relationship counseling

Oct 24

October 24, 2019 By Denise O'Doherty

How to Decrease Defensiveness and Create Effective, Essential Communication

couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling Not being “heard” by a partner is frustrating. No one wants to feel insignificant, invisible, overlooked or taken for granted. The common response when one feels they are not being listened to, is either to fight harder to get their partner’s attention, or retreat or withdraw often leading to depression.

Often a client says they feel they can’t express themselves in the relationship because when they try to talk, their partner becomes defensive meaning they only see and defend their side and their experience, often claiming they are “right”, without even hearing the initial partners complaint.

Therefore, I am sharing with you a fail-proof system of communicating, that eliminates both getting defensive, and eliminates triggering someone else from getting defensive. It is fail-proof when done correctly and I see tremendous changes in couples when we do this in therapy.

Here is information for you to understand and use the process. I would love to hear how it works for you. May you have significant and powerful results. Enjoy!

Effective communication is essential to a good relationship. Good communication skills may not solve problems or resolve issues, but no problems can be solved, or issues resolved without them. We may communicate well or poorly, but we cannot NOT communicate.

One of the most effective forms of communication between persons in a committed love relationship is the INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE. It consists of three processes called mirroring, validation and empathy.

Mirroring is the process of accurately reflecting back, the content of a message from one partner. The most common form of mirroring is paraphrasing. A “paraphrase” is a statement in your own words of what the message your partner sent means to you. It indicates that you are willing to transcend your own thoughts and feelings for the moment and attempt to understand your partner from their point of view. Any response made prior to mirroring is often an “interpretation” and may contain a misunderstanding. Mirroring allows your partner to send their message again and permits you to paraphrase until you do understand.

Validation is a communication to the sending partner that the information being received and mirrored makes sense. It indicates that you can see the information from your partner’s point of view and can accept that it has validity- It is true for the partner. Validation is a temporary suspension or transcendence of your point of view that allows your partner’s experience to have its own reality. Typical validating phrases are: “I can see that…l”, “It makes sense to me that you would thing that”, “I can understand that …”, Such phrases convey to your partner that their subjective experience is not crazy, that it has it’s own logic, and that it is a valid way of looking at things. To validate your partner’s message does not mean that you agree with his/ her point of view or that it reflects your subjective experience. It merely recognizes the fact that in every situation, no “objective” view is possible. In many communication between two persons, there are always two points of view, and every report of any experience is an “interpretation” which is the “truth” for each person. The process of mirroring and validation affirms the other person and increases trust and closeness.

Empathy is the process of reflecting or imagining the feeling the sending partner is experiencing about the event or the situation being reported. This deep level of communication attempts to recognize, reach into and on some level, experience the emotions of the sending partner.

Empathy allows both partners to transcend, perhaps for a moment, their separateness and to experience a genuine “meeting.” Such an experience has remarkable healing power. Typical phrases for empathic communication include: “and I can imagine that you must feel…”, and when you experience that, I hear….and that makes sense to me.”

A complete dialogue transaction may then sound as follows: “So, I understand you to be saying that if I don’t look at you when you are talking to me, you think that I am interested in what you are saying. I can understand that, it makes sense to me, and I can imagine that you would feel rejected and angry. That must be a terrible feeling.”

The reciprocal exchange of this process is the INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE.

Nov 15

November 15, 2018 By Denise O'Doherty

The Holidays and Forgiveness

The holidays are approaching and they are meant to be a time of great joy and love. You can see the beginnings of planning and anticipation wherever you go. Stores and streets are decorated. Commercials have holiday themes and people are making decisions now as to how they are going to celebrate.

To enjoy the holidays fully, some of us need to give up the blocks and resistance that prevent us from experiencing the magic and possibilities of being fully present and fully able to accept the good that is all around us. Blocks such as anger, resentment and blaming can get in our way. Most people have someone in their life who they feel has treated them wrong. They hurt our feelings, left us in a difficult situation, maybe even betrayed us. Maybe we were treated in a way that we never thought possible, or never thought possible by that particular person. But it happened.

We can never change what happened in the past. Our acceptance of their behavior can put us back in control to make decisions that are best for us. Once we face and accept the truth of what happened, we can stop struggling. We don’t have to let someone else’s poor, neglectful or abusive behavior control our happiness. We can develop healthy boundaries, have healthy friends and avoid toxic people. Let go of people, thoughts and behaviors that don’t serve you.

It’s never OK for someone to hurt someone else. Never. Forgiveness isn’t about saying what happened is OK. Forgiveness is about letting go of the negative hold it has on you.

It’s time to grieve our losses and let go of our blocks to personal freedom. Don’t give your happiness over to someone else.

Once we fully grieve our losses, feel our pain, accept what happened and forgive, we can feel joy and love once again. Let go of blocks that prevent you from living fully and having a good time. It is our responsibility to make our life work and make it work well. Be good to yourself and by being open to the celebrations, joy, warmth and love that you see all around you. Enjoy the holidays! You can choose to make them a great time for you!

Jan 22

January 22, 2018 By Denise O'Doherty

Assessing Intimacy in Your Relationship

Intimacy is a bonding between two people based on trust, respect, love and the ability to share deeply. You can have intimate relationships with lovers, partners, co-workers, acquaintances friends, and family members. In an intimate relationship, you experience the give and take of being real and vulnerable, as you share a connection.

When a couples come to my office for therapy, I usually ask, “What is it that keeps you together?” Answers range from convenience, sex, money, companionship to the most frequent response, “We love each other”. The problem with this response is that love means different things to different people. Sometimes the expectations that one associates with love can add to the relationships conflicts. i.e. “If you loved me you would do this ..…or you would feel this ..…” The second question I ask is, “Do you trust each other?” Interestingly, many people emphatically say “No, we love each other but we don’t trust each other”. Trust and good communication are the two main ingredients necessary for intimacy. Therefore, love without trust is not enough. Without trust we don’t feel safe. Many people have problems with trust. If handling things alone and taking care of yourself was what you had to do as a child, it may feel unfamiliar and scary to be in a close relationship. On the other hand, come people cling to those they love, being overly jealous and unable to tolerate a healthy level of independence.

Intimacy isn’t something you can experience alone. By it’s very nature, it assumes a relationship and a relationship means risk. The other half of any relationship is a person you can’t control. But in a loving relationship, you and your partner can create intimacy with excitement, passion, good communication and trust. Rewards are great when you are willing to work together.

The following is an INTIMACY ASSESSMENT meant to be used as a guide to assess intimacy in your relationship. Think about a partner or a close friend and ask yourself the following:

Do I respect this person?
Does this person respect me?
Is this a person with whom I can communicate with ease?”
Do we work through conflicts together well?
Do we both compromise?
Is there give and take?
Can I be honest? Can I show my real feelings?
Do we both take responsibility for the relationships successes and problems?
Could I talk to this person about the effects that childhood abuse or trauma is having on our relationship?
Is there room for me to grow in this relationship?
Am I able to reach my own goals within this relationship?
Is this person supportive of the kind of changes I am trying to make?
Is this person willing to help me?

These questions provide a guideline for taking a deeper look at the depth of intimacy within a relationship.

Skills that promote intimate relationships are: saying what you mean and meaning what you say, listening clearly without judgement, letting go of control of your partner, asking for what you need, being willing to negotiate and being willing to compromise.

Good relationships add fun and joy to life. They give us rewards that last a lifetime. It is said that it is not about finding the right person, but about becoming the right person. With good intimacy skills I believe we get both.

Aug 14

August 14, 2017 By Denise O'Doherty

Marriage Counseling: 3 Truths about Marriage

A lay counselor who has worked with hundreds of premarital couples told me that he particularly looks forward to the session when he lays out what he calls the “tough love truths” to the future couple. These truths are the following:

You’re not the person I thought you were.
You’re not meeting my needs.
Marriage is difficult.

This counselor sees these three things as basically universal truths, and most people who have been married five years or more are unlikely to disagree with any of them. We don’t really know who we are marrying—there is always something more to find out. No one person can meet all our needs. And every marriage is difficult.

These “3 Truths” are healthy reminders for every married couple. So often we want to particularize the challenge of our marriage, making it our spouse’s fault instead of admitting that no one fully and completely knows the person they are marrying; no marriage supplies all our emotional needs; and no marriage is always “easy.”

The trick is to keep a universal truth from becoming a specific attack. For example: “You’re not who I thought you were” can lead to, “Therefore you must have lied to me or hid from me or misled me intentionally.” You’ve taken a universal truth about marriage and used it as an individual assault.

Let me add a caveat here, however, for one particular situation: Some people are master manipulators and they really did commit fraud prior to the marriage, about who they were, what they value, and how they live. And some people can actively and intentionally cover up major issues psychological, drug dependence, etc.) from their future spouse that also amounts to fraud.

For most people, though, it’s not about fraud as much it is about discovery, having our eyes opened to distasteful things, short of abuse, that are unpleasant and maybe even shocking to discover. Even if your spouse managed to be one hundred percent honest while dating, you’ll still find out a few unfortunate truths about him or her as the marriage progresses.

The second universal truth, “You’re not meeting my needs!” implies that someone else could meet all your needs. It can turn into a poisonous disappointment and contempt, all because you accepted the premise of a lie—that your spouse is supposed to meet all your needs. Imagine a coach berating Lebron James because during one game he missed half his shots or only pulled down three rebounds. Try to find any player who doesn’t usually miss half his shots!

Finally, “Marriage is difficult” can turn into “you’re difficult so something must be wrong with you.” No one person can meet all our needs. According to the IMAGO model, if you want more love, be more loving. If you want more kindness and consideration, be more considerate and kind. If you want more sex, be more sexual. Be more of what you want. Don’t expect more than what you give. Also, ask yourself, what have I done to keep the spark in my marriage/ relationship lately?

So let’s step back and look at these three thoughts.

You’re not who I thought you were.
You’re not meeting all my needs.
Marriage is difficult.

When these universal truths become obvious to you, remember that this doesn’t mean you made a bad choice. It doesn’t mean you got a raw deal. It just means you have a relationship. And now it’s time to make it work.

Marriage counseling supports bringing out the best in each individual and the best in the relationship. It also helps people to be accountable for their thoughts, feelings and behavior. When things don’t feel right and there is a breakdown in communication or intimacy, therapy can help.
Often it is a matter of re-evaluating priorities and goals as a couple. Finding the right path to re-evaluate, revive and go forward are goals of therapy.

If you or someone you know could benefit from re-vitalizing their relationship, call Denise at
713-524-9525.

This article was paraphrased from Gary Thomas, a Christian minister, who has written much about relationships, spirituality and preserving the sacredness of a spiritual commitment.

Jul 19

July 19, 2017 By Denise O'Doherty

8 Biggest Relationship Killers According To Divorce Attorneys

Hello Everyone!

I’m sending you this interesting article that shows what relationship issues divorce lawyers hear the most. Isn’t it interesting that I also hear the SAME issues which can be resolved in marriage and couples counseling! How unfortunate for the people who choose divorce when there are workable solutions. If not resolved, people often bring the same issues to their next relationship!

I hope you enjoy the article and support your friends and loved ones to be pro-active when these complains come up and see the therapist before the divorce attorney! I also tell people it is also much more cost effective!

Enjoy!

Denise.

Divorce attorneys have a front-row seat to the kinds of problems that can chip away at relationships. Every day in their offices, they get an earful from clients about what led to divorce.

What are some of the most common complaints they hear? Below, divorce lawyers from around the country share nine of the most prevalent marital issues.

1. My spouse rarely helps out with the kids.

“When I first meet with people during the consultation, I often hear that the husband or wife doesn’t feel like they have an equal partner in their marriage, especially when it comes to the responsibility of caring for their children. It takes time and energy to manage a family’s extracurricular activities, doctor’s appointments and social activities. Whenever someone feels their spouse is not pulling their weight, resentment will build. When it involves children, though, it becomes much more complicated. When they are in my office, I know they have tried everything and asked their spouse to step up and help, but they have not been successful. Filing for divorce is the only way they believe they will get some reprieve from it.” — Puja A. Sachdev, an attorney in San Diego, California

2. We never talk about our problems.

“It’s nothing that either spouse says ― it’s what they don’t say. Problems crop up and no one wants to rock the boat. So no one deals with the problem. No one talks about it. But then it doesn’t go away. It goes underground, then another problem crops up. This time, dealing with it is even harder because both parties still hold resentment from the first problem they never dealt with. So they push the second problem under the rug. Then the third. And so on. At some point, they explode over something that seems stupid and silly. Ultimately, they’re arguing about the ongoing, unspoken problems they have.” ― Karen Covy, an attorney and divorce coach based in Chicago, Illinois

3. Our sex life fizzled out, and so did any intimacy.

“Honestly, I can go on and on, but those are two big complaints I hear. What it boils down to is life has gotten in the way and there is no longer a connection between spouses. Even more than sex, it has to do with a lack of communication and lack of intimacy. What couples fail to realize is that the work of the relationship does not end at ‘I do’ ― there is work to be done every day. I know it sounds trite but it is important to connect with and check in with your spouse on a daily basis whether you are sharing a meal or walking the dog.” ― Lisa Helfend Meyer, an attorney in Los Angeles, California

4. My spouse reconnected with an old flame on Facebook.

“I have recently had clients inform me that their spouses were becoming ‘addicted’ to social media; more importantly, the social media ‘addiction’ was merely a symptom of an age-old problem ― cheating. Their spouse clicked the ‘like’ button on someone’s Facebook post and it escalated into sexual chats, texting and ultimately, face-to-face meetings where the flame was rekindled. It’s likely that the person would have sought out some way to cheat even without social media. So the social media ‘addiction’ was merely a symptom of the ultimate issue: infidelity. Some couples can work through the issue of infidelity, but most cannot ― and that’s what leads them to my office.” ― Douglas Kepanis, an attorney in New York City

5. We feel more like roommates than spouses.

“People often say that their spouse feels like a stranger, not the person they married. Clients often describe themselves as ‘roommates’ and say they spend little time interacting with their spouse. More commonly, they say that their spouse has ‘checked out.’” ― Carla Schiff Donnelly, an attorney in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

6. My spouse is selfish.

“Selfishness manifests itself in different ways: stingy with money, unwilling to listen and be emotionally present, not sharing responsibility for chores and the kids, having an affair instead of trying to work it out or splitting with respect, not being aware of the other’s needs and wants. The exact form of selfishness varies from case to case, but the theme is always there in divorce cases.” ― Alison Patton, a San Diego-based divorce attorney and mediator

7. We speak different love languages.

“Two people may love each other, but not ‘feel loved’ if they have a different love language. That means, if one spouse’s ‘language of love’ is to do helpful things or buy gifts, and the other’s love language is verbal affirmations, loving touch, or quality time together, the receiver doesn’t really feel love, and the giver doesn’t feel appreciated for the love they’re giving. When that happens, there isn’t enough credit in the love bank for them to get through the challenges that come with any relationship. They’re fighting over money or sex, when underneath that is the need for simple physical connection or quality time. Find out your love language: It might just keep you out of a divorce lawyer’s office.” ― Dennis A. Cohen, an attorney and mediator in Marina del Rey, California

8. I feel taken for granted.

“This complaint makes sense. When courting each other, there’s often a lot of flattery and extra attention spent listening to and pleasing your mate. But once the deal is done, once the relationship is sealed with vows, many feel safe and worry less that their partner is happy. Many people who hire me tell me they’ve been unhappy for years, that they’ve waited and waited for things to improve before they finally hit their limit. Rarely do I encounter a couple getting divorced because of a sudden or one-time event such as a one-night stand or one ugly argument. With so much invested in a marriage, it often takes quite a lot for someone to get to the point of no return. But when they get there, it is often because they finally realize they would be happier unmarried to that person ― or as someone once told me, less miserable.”— Randall M. Kessler,an attorney in Atlanta, Georgia

Link to original article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/complaints-divorce-attorneys-hear-all-the-time_us_593eed00e4b0c5a35ca23a85

Mar 14

March 14, 2017 By Denise O'Doherty

Chemistry or Rationality? – Finding Romantic Love

Singles seeking to marry well can learn so much from a man who got married four hundred years ago. He made a supremely wise choice for all the right reasons and benefited immensely because of it.

There was a man, Richard Baxter (1615-1691) who lived half his life as a single man because he believed a zealous clergyman was “married to his congregation” and didn’t have time for a wife. When his church fired him and he was forced to make his living as a writer (he became the most popular writer of his day, he thought having a wife would be a very good thing, and he soon entered into a very happy and fulfilling marriage to a young woman named Margaret.

In making his choice, Richard was already a wise man who, as a pastor, had seen the folly so many others had fallen into to. Thus, he was determined to “avoid the foolish passion which the world calls love.”

He didn’t minimize love, but sought a higher love: “I know you must have love for those [you marry],” he wrote, but he was insistent that it be a “rational” love that discerns “worth and fitness” in the loved, not “blind…lust or fancy.”[i]

Richard had seen how “blind lust and fancy” (sex appeal and romantic infatuation) could make seemingly wise people curiously blind to a person’s poor worth and low character so he determined early on that he would not be guided by those things.

Instead, he was determined to find a “worthy” spouse, and a “fit” spouse.

If you find yourself crazy with infatuation, and your highest desperate desire is to hear that they feel the same way about you, force yourself to ask two rational questions:

“Is this a worthy person?”
“Are they fit for a long-term relationship?”

Let’s look at each in turn.

First, are they worthy of you having such interest in them? Force yourself to look at them objectively. Does this person live by core values that you admire and respect? Have they created a life for themselves that works? Are they happy? Are they accountable for their actions? Do they have good coping skills? Do they have good relationships with others in their life? If you didn’t have such strong feelings for them, would you still like them, admire them, and respect them? If you can’t answer “yes” to all three questions you’re falling prey to “blind fancy.”

If you’re at all embarrassed by them, or constantly finding yourself having to explain away and excuse the faults and character flaws that everyone else sees and points out to you, you’re in the midst of “blind fancy.” They’re not truly worthy of you; you shouldn’t be afraid that they don’t feel the same way about you; you should be afraid of why you’re feeling that way about them.

Next, ask yourself, “Are they fit?” That is, do they have the necessary relational and emotional skills to be a superlative partner or spouse? Can they handle conflict? Are they humble and gentle and patient? Are they a giver or a taker? Do they seek out or are they open to personal growth? Would they be a good parent and a true friend? Can you trust them in every way? These are rational questions that promote healthy and successful relationships.

If the answer is no, they’re not be “fit” or emotionally available to be a good partner.

Feelings are loud and strong, and they come and go. Asking questions about “worthiness” and “fitness” will help you to be objective and make a wise choice.

One person cannot sustain a relationship. It takes two fit people to be present, attuned to each other and committed to make it work.

Because long term relationships include the future and because feelings are only about the present, it makes the most sense to choose someone you can love who is not only worthy of your love but also fit with maturity, coping skills and a desire to make it last.

Find out first if the person you are interested in is worthy and fit. Then ask yourself, “Is this someone I’d enjoy spending time with- Physically, emotionally, sexually and spiritually? Sexual desire can be a delightful spice in life. If you make it the main course, however, you’ll end up relationally hungry.

Worthy and fit. Chemistry AND Rationality.

That’s what you want to look for and consider when evaluating qualities in a date or partner.

-paraphrased from Gary Thomas.

Feb 13

February 13, 2017 By Denise O'Doherty

Seven Scientifically Proven Benefits of Gratitude

Gratitude not only brightens and strengthens your marriage / relationship, but gives you a more positive attitude towards the world in general. Read this short but thought provoking article to see what it can do for you.

Click Image to Download Full Article

Jan 06

January 6, 2017 By Denise O'Doherty

“Personal Boundaries and Effective Confrontation” presentation by Denise O’Doherty

Presented for The Women’s Group at First Universalist Unitarian Church
5210 Fannin St., Houston (MAP)
Sunday, January 15 at 10:30
No charge. All women are welcome.

Denise O’Doherty, psychotherapist and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, will give tips and insights on how we can better define, love and protect ourselves through “Personal Boundaries and Effective Confrontation”. Good boundaries affect everything we do. They give us freedom to be ourselves and they teach others how to treat us. Topics addressed will be what gets in the way of having good boundaries, the difference between rigid and flexible boundaries, and how to deal with passive and aggressive people by understanding their cost and payoff. Boundary setting tips, self-esteem, codependency, shame and guilt will also be addressed. She will conclude with an outline for us a step by step way to confront someone effectively.

Denise will begin with a short review of “Stages of Grief” by special request, for those dealing with feelings of loss post-election.

Visit her website at:

Home

For questions: call Denise at 713-524-9525

Nov 22

November 22, 2016 By Denise O'Doherty

Holiday Bliss vs. Holiday Blues!

Houston is full of positive images and for the Holidays. Already, you can see beautiful colored lights adorning the palm trees on major roadways, colorful decorations that sparkle and glow catch your attention in shopping centers, and soon happy holiday music will be playing everywhere you go. couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling Houston Texas, Marriage Counseling Houston Texas, relationship counseling Houston Texas The message is that holidays are a time of giving and receiving surrounded by family and friends giving recognition for our lives. Its easy to envision festive images of family, friends, food, party’s and religious observation.

In other words the holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration and fun. Yet, ironically holidays can also bring about stress, anxiety, depression and disappointment. These occur for many reasons. Socializing for the holidays often is an excuse for people to over eat, and over drink, feeling miserable and remorseful later. Guilt and shame can also accompany “giving in”. The pressure of gift giving and going out more can be stressful if one over- steps financial boundaries and spends too much, only to pay for it later, both financially and emotionally. Feeling frantic, trying to live up to what you think others expect from you and what you unrealistically expect from yourself and others can lead to anxiety and disappointment. Compromising your values or beliefs, feeling stuck and obligated, with limited choices and alternatives can lead to depression.

Symptoms that alert us to depression are:

gaining or loosing a significant amount of weight in a short time
over or under sleeping
feeling overly tearful
feeling that it’s hard to focus or concentrate
feeling socially withdrawn.

To Get the Most Out of Your Holidays:

Plan Ahead, so you can pace your activities without getting stressed.
Get some down time for you. This should be a restful time not a stressful time, giving you time to reflect on the year, your life and your goals for the next year.
Exercise your personal boundaries and be clear with others regarding what you can do and what you want to do, and stick to your plan.
Make your own choices on what’s healthy and responsible regarding food and alcohol.
Be realistic in what you spend. Sometimes the most heartfelt and appreciated gifts are not expensive.
Choose your Company! Be with people who appreciate you, and who can enjoy a fun and stress-free holiday with you.

Make your holiday fun and memorable!

Psychotherapy can help restore joy and meaning in life. If you or someone you know is struggling or has lost the ability to feel the joy that comes with celebration and connection to others, or who wants to focus on their direction and purpose for the new year, you may want to consider therapy. Call for a free phone consultation, to discuss what brief therapy can do for you, or someone you care about and make the holidays and new year something to celebrate!

Oct 25, 2016

October 25, 2016 By Denise O'Doherty

Substance over Form

This is an excerpt from Melody Beatie’s book “The Language of Letting Go”:

Substance over Form

I’m learning that for a variety of reasons, I’ve spent much of my life focusing on form rather than substance. My focus has been on having my hair done perfectly, wearing the right clothes, having my car always neat and clean, living in the right place, furnishing it with the right furniture, working at the right job, and having the right friends and partners. Form, rather than substance, has controlled my behavior in many areas of my life. Now, I’m finally getting to the truth. It’ substance that counts.

-Anonymous

There is nothing wrong in wanting to look our best. Whether we are striving to create a self, a relationship, or a life, we need to have some solid ideas about what we want that to look like.

Form gives us a place to begin. But for many of us, form has been a substitute for substance. We may have focused on form to compensate for feeling afraid or feeling inferior. We may have focused on form because we didn’t know how to focus on substance.

Form is the outline: substance is what fills it in. We fell in the outline of ourselves by being authentic: we fill in the outline of our life by showing up for life and participating to the best of our ability.

Now, in recovery, we’re learning to pay attention to how things work and feel, not just to what they look like.
Today, I can focus on substance in my life. I will concentrate on the substance of my relationships, rather than what they look like. I will focus on the real workings of my life, instead of the trappings.