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Denise O’Doherty

Denise O’Doherty

Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Drug and Alcohol Counselor, Registered Nurse

  • Relationship Counseling
    • Couples Therapy
    • Marriage Counseling & Family Therapy
    • Premarital Counseling
    • Domestic Abuse Counseling
    • IMAGO Relationship Therapy
  • Substance Abuse
    • Alcohol & Drug Addiction
    • SALCE Evaluations
  • LGBTQ+
    • Lesbian Therapy
    • LGBTQ+ Couples Therapy
  • Other Areas of Practice
    • Anxiety/Depression
    • BiPolar Disorder
    • Codependency/Personal Boundaries
    • Grief Counseling / Grief Therapy
    • Love Addiction/Love Avoidance
    • Overcoming Shame /Increasing Self-Esteem
    • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
    • Dissociative Disorders
  • Gender Identity
    • Parents of Transgender Children
    • Gender Dysphoria
    • Cross-Dressing
    • Adult Children of Transgender Parents
  • Articles
Home » premarital counseling

premarital counseling

October 24, 2019 | BY Denise O'Doherty

How to Decrease Defensiveness and Create Effective, Essential Communication

couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counselingNot being “heard” by a partner is frustrating. No one wants to feel insignificant, invisible, overlooked or taken for granted. The common response when one feels they are not being listened to, is either to fight harder to get their partner’s attention, or retreat or withdraw often leading to depression.

Often a client says they feel they can’t express themselves in the relationship because when they try to talk, their partner becomes defensive meaning they only see and defend their side and their experience, often claiming they are “right”, without even hearing the initial partners complaint.

Therefore, I am sharing with you a fail-proof system of communicating, that eliminates both getting defensive, and eliminates triggering someone else from getting defensive. It is fail-proof when done correctly and I see tremendous changes in couples when we do this in therapy.

Here is information for you to understand and use the process.  I would love to hear how it works for you. May you have significant and powerful results. Enjoy!

 


Effective communication is essential to a good relationship. Good communication skills may not solve problems or resolve issues, but no problems can be solved, or issues resolved without them. We may communicate well or poorly, but we cannot NOT communicate.

One of the most effective forms of communication between persons in a committed love relationship is the INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE. It consists of three processes called mirroring, validation and empathy.

Mirroring is the process of accurately reflecting back, the content of a message from one partner. The most common form of mirroring is paraphrasing. A “paraphrase” is a statement in your own words of what the message your partner sent means to you. It indicates that you are willing to transcend your own thoughts and feelings for the moment and attempt to understand your partner from their point of view. Any response made prior to mirroring is often an “interpretation” and may contain a misunderstanding. Mirroring allows your partner to send their message again and permits you to paraphrase until you do understand.

Validation is a communication to the sending partner that the information being received and mirrored makes sense. It indicates that you can see the information from your partner’s point of view and can accept that it has validity- It is true for the partner. Validation is a temporary suspension or transcendence of your point of view that allows your partner’s experience to have its own reality. Typical validating phrases are: “I can see that…l”, “It makes sense to me that you would thing that”, “I can understand that …”, Such phrases convey to your partner that their subjective experience is not crazy, that it has it’s own logic, and that it is a valid way  of looking at things. To validate your partner’s message does not mean that you agree with his/ her point of view or that it reflects your subjective experience. It merely recognizes the fact that in every situation, no “objective” view is possible. In many communication between two persons, there are always two points of view, and every report of any experience is an “interpretation” which is the “truth” for each person. The process of mirroring and validation affirms the other person and increases trust and closeness.

Empathy is the process of reflecting or imagining the feeling the sending partner is experiencing about the event or the situation being reported. This deep level of communication attempts to recognize, reach into and on some level, experience the emotions of the sending partner.

Empathy allows both partners to transcend, perhaps for a moment, their separateness and to experience a genuine “meeting.” Such an experience has remarkable healing power. Typical phrases for empathic communication include: “and I can imagine that you must feel…”, and when you experience that, I hear….and that makes sense to me.”

A complete dialogue transaction may then sound as follows: “So, I understand you to be saying that if I don’t look at you when you are talking to me, you think that I am interested in what you are saying. I can understand that, it makes sense to me, and I can imagine that you would feel rejected and angry. That must be a terrible feeling.”

The reciprocal exchange of this process is the INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE.

Filed Under: couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
July 3, 2019 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Self Care and Relationships

anger management, couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counselingSelf-care, it turns out, takes a lot more effort and energy than just getting a mani/pedi, going to a new restaurant or getting a massage. It means truly accepting accountability for your physical, mental, and emotional well-being, and making decisions that support it. Self-care asks us to establish boundaries and practice (at least some) discipline so that we give ourselves the best chance at happiness. It requires us to tune in and get to know our thought patterns, desires, triggers, and fundamental needs so that we can properly anticipate and manage them. Self-care is the very definition of adulting. It puts the ball in our court and empowers us to go get what we need to feel whole instead of expecting anyone else to guess what it is and magically deliver it on a silver platter.

This certainly does not mean we can’t ask for help or that we shouldn’t look for support from people in our lives. It’s only a problem if/when we start believing our own sense of worth, fulfillment, and happiness rests solely on their shoulders. When we expect others to take care of our core needs, we become the victims who need to be rescued and set our relationships up for failure. Solid, healthy, mutually beneficial friendships and marriages are formed when two whole people choose to be together to support and elevate one another… not fix or “complete” each other.

Will Smith does a great job talking about this in this brief Facebook video – check it out!
What can you do today to take action and find solutions to your problems and feel like you are creating a life you love? What can you do today to connect you to your true passions and get more of a sense of who you are?

How many times have you justified spending money on a new phone or outfit or fun activity but decided that it didn’t make you happy? Are you putting off talking to a therapist or seeing an acupuncturist to help with more substantial problems because was just too expensive? How many times have you prioritized work over rest or decided against getting help because you’ve felt you should be able to do it all yourself? And how many times have you experienced a pang of resentment towards someone who’s not “doing their job” taking care of your needs?

” Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” – Audre Lorde

I invite you to re-visit the concept of self-care and consider it as an act of boldness and power. When we take accountability for our own health and happiness, we take control of our lives AND give the people around us the freedom they need to be themselves and love us how they know best. When you stop expecting someone to fix your problems, you get a deeper sense of being able to ENJOY each other.

The better you are, the less you demand, and the more you receive. Taking care of yourself can improve your life as well as your relationships. Do it today!

 

Filed Under: anger management, couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
May 21, 2019 | BY Denise O'Doherty

GRATITUDE – How it can easily and effortlessly enhance our lives”

Someone just sent me a wonderful video about gratitude.
So I thought I’d pass it along. Here is the link to the gratitude video:

Filed Under: addiction counseling, addiction recovery, anger management, areas of practice, couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
May 6, 2019 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Appreciation: The Importance Of Feeling Appreciated

Thought for the day: “A person who feels appreciated, will always do more than expected”

Let’s remember to notice and appreciate those who are there for us and those who have touched our lives in beautiful ways.

Let’s also remember the power that our attitude and positive energy have in motivating  ourselves and others.

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
February 4, 2019 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Assessing Intimacy in Your Relationship

By Denise O’Doherty, Psychotherapist

                Intimacy is a bond between two people based on trust, respect, and the ability to share deeply. You can have intimate relationships with lovers, partners, co-workers, acquaintances friends, and family members. In an intimate relationship, you experience the give and take of being real and vulnerable, as you share a connection.

When a couples come to therapy, I often ask: “What is it that keeps you together?”. Answers range from convenience, sex, money, companionship to the most frequent response, “We love each other”. The problem with this response is that love means different things to different people. Sometimes the expectations that one associates with love can add to the relationships conflicts. i.e. “If you loved me you would do this ..…or you would feel this ..…” Then, I may ask, “Do you trust each other?” Interestingly, many people emphatically say “No, we love each other but we don’t trust each other”. Trust and good communication are the two main ingredients necessary for intimacy. Therefore, love without trust is not enough. Without trust we don’t feel safe. Many people have problems with trust. If handling things alone and taking care of yourself was what you had to do as a child, it may feel unfamiliar and scary to be in a close relationship. On the other hand, come people cling to those they love, being overly jealous and unable to tolerate a healthy level of independence.

Intimacy isn’t something you can experience alone. By it’s very nature, it assumes a relationship and a relationship means risk. The other half of any relationship is a person you can’t control. But in a loving relationship, you and your partner can create intimacy with excitement, passion, good communication and trust. Rewards are great when you are willing to work together.

The following is an INTIMACY ASSESSMENT meant to be used as a guide to assess intimacy in your relationship. Think about a partner or a close friend and ask yourself the following:

  1. Do I respect this person?
  2. Does this person respect me?
  3. Is this a person with whom I can communicate with ease?”
  4. Do we work through conflicts together well?
  5. Do we both compromise?
  6. Is there give and take?
  7. Can I be honest? Can I show my real feelings?
  8. Do we both take responsibility for the relationships successes and problems?
  9. Could I talk to this person about the effects that childhood abuse or trauma is having on our relationship?
  10. Is there room for me to grow in this relationship?
  11. Am I able to reach my own goals within this relationship?
  12. Is this person supportive of the kind of changes I am trying to make?
  13. Is this person willing to help me?

Use these questions to see where your intimacy skills are strong in your relationship and where they could use attention. It’s important to assess from time to time what is working and what isn’t in your relationship. Taking time to make occasional changes for the better is a great skill that can keep spark in your relationship. It keeps it from becoming stuck or boring. Other skills that promote intimate relationships are: saying what you mean and meaning what you say, listening clearly without judgement, letting go of control of your partner, asking for what you need, being willing to negotiate and being willing to compromise.

Good relationships add fun and joy to life and give us rewards that last a lifetime. It is said that it is not about finding the right person, but about becoming the right person. With trust, communication and good intimacy skills I believe we can have both.

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
November 15, 2018 | BY Denise O'Doherty

The Holidays and Forgiveness

The holidays are approaching and they are meant to be a time of great joy and love. You can see the beginnings of planning and anticipation wherever you go. Stores and streets are decorated. Commercials have holiday themes and people are making decisions now as to how they are going to celebrate.

To enjoy the holidays fully, some of us need to give up the blocks and resistance that prevent us from experiencing the magic and possibilities of being fully present and fully able to accept the good that is all around us. Blocks such as anger, resentment and blaming can get in our way. Most people have someone in their life who they feel has treated them wrong. They hurt our feelings, left us in a difficult situation, maybe even betrayed us. Maybe we were treated in a way that we never thought possible, or never thought possible by that particular person. But it happened.

We can never change what happened in the past. Our acceptance of their behavior can put us back in control to make decisions that are best for us. Once we face and accept the truth of what happened, we can stop struggling. We don’t have to let someone else’s poor, neglectful or abusive behavior control our happiness.  We can develop healthy boundaries, have healthy friends and avoid toxic people. Let go of people, thoughts and behaviors that don’t serve you.

It’s never OK for someone to hurt someone else. Never. Forgiveness isn’t about saying what happened is OK. Forgiveness is about letting go of the negative hold it has on you.

It’s time to grieve our losses and let go of our blocks to personal freedom. Don’t give your happiness over to someone else.

Once we fully grieve our losses, feel our pain, accept what happened and forgive, we can feel joy and love once again. Let go of blocks that prevent you from living fully and having a good time. It is our responsibility to make our life work and make it work well. Be good to yourself and by being open to the celebrations, joy, warmth and love that you see all around you. Enjoy the holidays! You can choose to make them a great time for you!

Filed Under: anger management, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
February 27, 2018 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Relationship Counseling: Behaviors That Destroy Financial Health

When the topic of money comes in therapy, I advise:  Live within your means. Save what you can. Know what you are worth financially and what the bills add up to, even if you are in a relationship and the other person is “in charge of the money”. Money represents freedom, security and independence. Being financially responsible can be a positive factor for your mental health.

I found this to be an interesting article correlating some personality traits with how we handle money.

Enjoy! Denise

Behaviors that destroy financial health

If you received a raise tomorrow, what would you do with the extra money? Most people would celebrate—maybe with a nice dinner out or a great bottle of wine, which you deserve. However, earning more should not always change your current or long-term spending habits. The problem is that our minds have the tendency to think we can (and should) spend it. This can quickly create a loss of context, consistency, and control.

These behavioral tendencies are often seen in clinical disorders, and can affect your financial health. They’re also far more common than many realize.

Outstream Video

Financial wellness is not about having so many dollars in your bank account, but about being someone who behaves in a financially healthy way by spending, saving, and living better. But what about those unhealthy financial behaviors that sneak up on us? How do we face them head on, instead of sweeping them under the rug?

You may be shocked to learn that basic elements of common behaviors often seen in personality disorders can trickle into the lives of even the healthiest of individuals and affect their day-to-day financial behavior. Let’s explore three of the most common behaviors.

A Loss of Perspective

The first behavioral challenge we all face is a loss of perspective.

Remember your first paycheck? While we all savored that initial euphoria of the world being our oyster, that feeling dissipated quickly once you factored in unavoidable expenses such as rent, car payments or student loans. By not falling into that same mental trap today and assuming you have more money than you actually have, you’ll avoid the sticker shock you get when you open up your credit card statement each month.

You don’t need to experience euphoria to feel wealthier than you actually are. But you’re damaging your financial health by not looking at your numbers or balancing how much you’re spending with how much you’re earning.

“When people are manic, they have an inflated self-esteem and view of themselves—their sex appeal, their resources—and they have the inability to process the consequences of their actions, which leads to staggering indiscretions,” says Dr. Igor Galynker, a psychiatrist and the director of the Family Center for Bipolar at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City.

How can you avoid this? One simple approach is to come up with your “Daily Spend” so you never lose focus. What is your Daily Spend? It’s your take home pay, minus all of your required living expenses divided by 30. When you go out shopping, you’ll have a whole new perspective when you realize that the nice shirt you’re looking at is seven days worth of your Daily Spend.

An Addictive Personality

We’ve all heard it. A lot of us have said it. “I have an addictive personality.” But in most cases, we’re referring to an innocent attachment to something we can’t live without: a daily habit. Our trusted Starbucks latte fix. An after-work glass of wine. Eating out for lunch every day!

While neither of these simple pleasures would classify us as an addict, have you stopped to think about how these daily purchases are affecting your financial health? How much are they costing you in the grand scheme of things? And could you live without them? In many cases of alcohol, drug, or gambling addiction, these behaviors started out just like anyone else—innocent and sparse—but spiralled as the daily fix lost its luster.

“No one knows what causes addictive behaviors, like shopping, alcoholism, drug abuse, and gambling,” says Ruth Engs, a professor from the applied health science department at Indiana University. “Some of the new evidence suggests that some people, maybe 10%-15%, may have a genetic predisposition to an addictive behavior, coupled with an environment in which the particular behavior is triggered, but no one really knows why.”

While you aren’t likely to go broke from frequent trips to Starbucks, if you can’t afford the habit, it could still damage your financial health. Putting yourself in debt can damage your mental health.

A Loss of Control

Are you a “shopaholic?” In its worst form, such behaviors can destroy relationships, and at best, hinder your ability to be financially healthy. To know if you have it, just ask yourself the following:

  • How much of your time is spent buying things or thinking about buying things?
    2) How often do you feel guilt, depression or shame because of your discretionary purchases?
    3) How often do your discretionary purchases impair your ability to pay for basic necessities?

How can you avoid this? If your answer is “often” to any two of these, or “always” to even just one, then it’s time to speak to a licensed therapist about how you can find a happier, more sustainable lifestyle. If you’re most people, however, your answers will most likely be “sometimes” or “rarely.” But those “sometimes” can be the difference between being financially healthy and financially ill.

By Movenblog –  Movenbank.com

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
January 22, 2018 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Assessing Intimacy in Your Relationship

Intimacy is a bonding between two people based on trust, respect, love and the ability to share deeply. You can have intimate relationships with lovers, partners, co-workers, acquaintances friends, and family members. In an intimate relationship, you experience the give and take of being real and vulnerable, as you share a connection.

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When a couples come to my office for therapy, I usually ask, “What is it that keeps you together?” Answers range from convenience, sex, money, companionship to the most frequent response, “We love each other”. The problem with this response is that love means different things to different people. Sometimes the expectations that one associates with love can add to the relationships conflicts. i.e. “If you loved me you would do this ..…or you would feel this ..…” The second question I ask is, “Do you trust each other?” Interestingly, many people emphatically say “No, we love each other but we don’t trust each other”. Trust and good communication are the two main ingredients necessary for intimacy. Therefore, love without trust is not enough. Without trust we don’t feel safe. Many people have problems with trust. If handling things alone and taking care of yourself was what you had to do as a child, it may feel unfamiliar and scary to be in a close relationship. On the other hand, come people cling to those they love, being overly jealous and unable to tolerate a healthy level of independence.

Intimacy isn’t something you can experience alone. By it’s very nature, it assumes a relationship and a relationship means risk. The other half of any relationship is a person you can’t control. But in a loving relationship, you and your partner can create intimacy with excitement, passion, good communication and trust. Rewards are great when you are willing to work together.

The following is an INTIMACY ASSESSMENT meant to be used as a guide to assess intimacy in your relationship. Think about a partner or a close friend and ask yourself the following:

  1. Do I respect this person?
  2. Does this person respect me?
  3. Is this a person with whom I can communicate with ease?”
  4. Do we work through conflicts together well?
  5. Do we both compromise?
  6. Is there give and take?
  7. Can I be honest? Can I show my real feelings?
  8. Do we both take responsibility for the relationships successes and problems?
  9. Could I talk to this person about the effects that childhood abuse or trauma is having on our relationship?
  10. Is there room for me to grow in this relationship?
  11. Am I able to reach my own goals within this relationship?
  12. Is this person supportive of the kind of changes I am trying to make?
  13. Is this person willing to help me?

These questions provide a guideline for taking a deeper look at the depth of intimacy within a relationship.

Skills that promote intimate relationships are: saying what you mean and meaning what you say, listening clearly without judgement, letting go of control of your partner, asking for what you need, being willing to negotiate and being willing to compromise.

Good relationships add fun and joy to life. They give us rewards that last a lifetime. It is said that it is not about finding the right person, but about becoming the right person. With good intimacy skills I believe we get both.

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem counseling
August 14, 2017 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Marriage Counseling: 3 Truths about Marriage

A lay counselor who has worked with hundreds of premarital couples told me that he particularly looks forward to the session when he lays out what he calls the “tough love truths” to the future couple. These truths are the following:

  1. You’re not the person I thought you were.
  2. You’re not meeting my needs.
  3. Marriage is difficult.

Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, couples counselingThis counselor sees these three things as basically universal truths, and most people who have been married five years or more are unlikely to disagree with any of them. We don’t really know who we are marrying—there is always something more to find out. No one person can meet all our needs. And every marriage is difficult.

These “3 Truths” are healthy reminders for every married couple. So often we want to particularize the challenge of our marriage, making it our spouse’s fault instead of admitting that no one fully and completely knows the person they are marrying; no marriage supplies all our emotional needs; and no marriage is always “easy.”  

The trick is to keep a universal truth from becoming a specific attack. For example: “You’re not who I thought you were” can lead to, “Therefore you must have lied to me or hid from me or misled me intentionally.” You’ve taken a universal truth about marriage and used it as an individual assault.

Let me add a caveat here, however, for one particular situation: Some people are master manipulators and they really did commit fraud prior to the marriage, about who they were, what they value, and how they live. And some people can actively and intentionally cover up major issues psychological, drug dependence, etc.) from their future spouse that also amounts to fraud.

For most people, though, it’s not about fraud as much it is about discovery, having our eyes opened to distasteful things, short of abuse, that are unpleasant and maybe even shocking to discover. Even if your spouse managed to be one hundred percent honest while dating, you’ll still find out a few unfortunate truths about him or her as the marriage progresses.

The second universal truth, “You’re not meeting my needs!” implies that someone else could meet all your needs. It can turn into a poisonous disappointment and contempt, all because you accepted the premise of a lie—that your spouse is supposed to meet all your needs. Imagine a coach berating Lebron James because during one game he missed half his shots or only pulled down three rebounds. Try to find any player who doesn’t usually miss half his shots!

Finally, “Marriage is difficult” can turn into “you’re difficult so something must be wrong with you.” No one person can meet all our needs. According to the IMAGO model, if you want more love, be more loving. If you want more kindness and consideration, be more considerate and kind. If you want more sex, be more sexual. Be more of what you want. Don’t expect more than what you give. Also, ask yourself, what have I done to keep the spark in my marriage/ relationship lately?

So let’s step back and look at these three thoughts.

  • You’re not who I thought you were.
  • You’re not meeting all my needs.
  • Marriage is difficult.

When these universal truths become obvious to you, remember that this doesn’t mean you made a bad choice. It doesn’t mean you got a raw deal. It just means you have a relationship. And now it’s time to make it work.

Marriage counseling supports bringing out the best in each individual and the best in the relationship. It also helps people to be accountable for their thoughts, feelings and behavior. When things don’t feel right and there is a breakdown in communication or intimacy, therapy can help.
Often it is a matter of re-evaluating priorities and goals as a couple. Finding the right path to re-evaluate, revive and go forward are goals of therapy.

If you or someone you know could benefit from re-vitalizing their relationship, call Denise at
713-524-9525.

 

This article was paraphrased from Gary Thomas, a Christian minister, who has written much about relationships, spirituality and preserving the sacredness of a spiritual commitment. 

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
July 19, 2017 | BY Denise O'Doherty

8 Biggest Relationship Killers According To Divorce Attorneys

Hello Everyone!

I’m sending you this interesting article that shows what relationship issues divorce lawyers hear the most. Isn’t it interesting that I also hear the SAME issues which can be resolved in marriage and couples counseling! How unfortunate for the people who choose divorce when there are workable solutions. If not resolved, people often bring the same issues to their next relationship!

I hope you enjoy the article and support your friends and loved ones to be pro-active when these complains come up and see the therapist before the divorce attorney! I also tell people it is also much more cost effective!

Enjoy!

Denise.

Divorce attorneys have a front-row seat to the kinds of problems that can chip away at relationships. Every day in their offices, they get an earful from clients about what led to divorce.

What are some of the most common complaints they hear? Below, divorce lawyers from around the country share nine of the most prevalent marital issues.

1. My spouse rarely helps out with the kids.

“When I first meet with people during the consultation, I often hear that the husband or wife doesn’t feel like they have an equal partner in their marriage, especially when it comes to the responsibility of caring for their children. It takes time and energy to manage a family’s extracurricular activities, doctor’s appointments and social activities. Whenever someone feels their spouse is not pulling their weight, resentment will build. When it involves children, though, it becomes much more complicated. When they are in my office, I know they have tried everything and asked their spouse to step up and help, but they have not been successful. Filing for divorce is the only way they believe they will get some reprieve from it.” — Puja A. Sachdev, an attorney in San Diego, California 

2. We never talk about our problems.

“It’s nothing that either spouse says ― it’s what they don’t say. Problems crop up and no one wants to rock the boat. So no one deals with the problem. No one talks about it. But then it doesn’t go away. It goes underground, then another problem crops up. This time, dealing with it is even harder because both parties still hold resentment from the first problem they never dealt with. So they push the second problem under the rug. Then the third. And so on. At some point, they explode over something that seems stupid and silly. Ultimately, they’re arguing about the  ongoing, unspoken problems they have.” ― Karen Covy, an attorney and divorce coach based in Chicago, Illinois 

3. Our sex life fizzled out, and so did any intimacy.

“Honestly, I can go on and on, but those are two big complaints I hear. What it boils down to is life has gotten in the way and there is no longer a connection between spouses. Even more than sex, it has to do with a lack of communication and lack of intimacy. What couples fail to realize is that the work of the relationship does not end at ‘I do’ ― there is work to be done every day. I know it sounds trite but it is important to connect with and check in with your spouse on a daily basis whether you are sharing a meal or walking the dog.” ― Lisa Helfend Meyer, an attorney in Los Angeles, California

4. My spouse reconnected with an old flame on Facebook.

“I have recently had clients inform me that their spouses were becoming ‘addicted’ to social media; more importantly, the social media ‘addiction’ was merely a symptom of an age-old problem ― cheating. Their spouse clicked the ‘like’ button on someone’s Facebook post and it escalated into sexual chats, texting and ultimately, face-to-face meetings where the flame was rekindled. It’s likely that the person would have sought out some way to cheat even without social media. So the social media ‘addiction’ was merely a symptom of the ultimate issue: infidelity. Some couples can work through the issue of infidelity, but most cannot ― and that’s what leads them to my office.” ― Douglas Kepanis, an attorney in New York City  

5. We feel more like roommates than spouses.

“People often say that their spouse feels like a stranger, not the person they married. Clients often describe themselves as ‘roommates’ and say they spend little time interacting with their spouse. More commonly, they say that their spouse has ‘checked out.’” ―  Carla Schiff Donnelly, an attorney in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

6. My spouse is selfish.

“Selfishness manifests itself in different ways: stingy with money, unwilling to listen and be emotionally present, not sharing responsibility for chores and the kids, having an affair instead of trying to work it out or splitting with respect, not being aware of the other’s needs and wants. The exact form of selfishness varies from case to case, but the theme is always there in divorce cases.” ― Alison Patton, a San Diego-based divorce attorney and mediator 

7. We speak different love languages.

“Two people may love each other, but not ‘feel loved’ if they have a different love language. That means, if one spouse’s ‘language of love’ is to do helpful things or buy gifts, and the other’s love language is verbal affirmations, loving touch, or quality time together, the receiver doesn’t really feel love, and the giver doesn’t feel appreciated for the love they’re giving. When that happens, there isn’t enough credit in the love bank for them to get through the challenges that come with any relationship. They’re fighting over money or sex, when underneath that is the need for simple physical connection or quality time. Find out your love language: It might just keep you out of a divorce lawyer’s office.” ― Dennis A. Cohen, an attorney and mediator in Marina del Rey, California 

8. I feel taken for granted.

“This complaint makes sense. When courting each other, there’s often a lot of flattery and extra attention spent listening to and pleasing your mate. But once the deal is done, once the relationship is sealed with vows, many feel safe and worry less that their partner is happy. Many people who hire me tell me they’ve been unhappy for years, that they’ve waited and waited for things to improve before they finally hit their limit. Rarely do I encounter a couple getting divorced because of a sudden or one-time event such as a one-night stand or one ugly argument. With so much invested in a marriage, it often takes quite a lot for someone to get to the point of no return. But when they get there, it is often because they finally realize they would be happier unmarried to that person ― or as someone once told me, less miserable.”— Randall M. Kessler,an attorney in Atlanta, Georgia

Link to original article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/complaints-divorce-attorneys-hear-all-the-time_us_593eed00e4b0c5a35ca23a85

Filed Under: Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
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