Communication and negotiation are two main factors in a good relationship. This looks like two adults bringing their best to each other with mutual respect and consideration. No one wants to be controlled or bullied in a relationship. This article by Pat Love from her book “You’re Tearing Us Apart” makes us understand what is behind a “controller” and what to do about it.
“Your Controlling Behavior Is Tearing Us Apart”
“I feel like I’m living in a vice. I can’t move right or left, forward or backward, without you getting upset or somehow correcting me. I’ve avoided this subject for a long time because I don’t want your anger, your criticism, or your silent treatment, but I’m worn out and worried that it’s getting worse.
Living with you is not fun anymore: in fact it’s like walking on eggshells. I find myself giving up more and more of my life because of your “my way or the highway” attitude.
You don’t trust me or how I do things. Or maybe you just think I’m stupid. You act like your opinion is always the right one and none doesn’t matter. I’ve given up so many things that are important to me just to keep peace with you – but it’s never enough.
If this sound like an exaggeration, please think about it. Think about how many of my friends and family you don’t like and don’t want me spending to me with: how many of my activities I’ve cut short or cut out because you don’t approve. And you always seem to be upset when I have fun without you.
I know you are smart. I know you have good ideas, and most of the time I know you love me, but your need to control my behavior is suffocating me and snuffing the life out of our relationship.
The Purpose Behind Controlling Behavior
The most common reason why we try to control another person’s behavior is to manage our own anxiety or insecurity. We feel safer and less vulnerable when everything happens as expected. This fact easily goes unnoticed because it’s largely unconscious. What others see as controlling is often seen as doing the right thing to the person in control, or at least doing it in a better way.
Those blamed for being controlling are often confused by this accusation. They see what they believe to be the best course of action and are incredulous when others don’t see it the same way. Motivated by the desire to help, partners who are controlling come on strong with suggestions and work hard to gain compliance.
Controlling behavior also can be compensation for a time or situation when the partner had no control such as growing up, a stressful job, or a former relationship. Living without personal control can increase the motivation to seize control whenever possible.
The most severe forms of control are motivated by emotional dysregulation, which is the inability to manage our own feelings. In an attempt to avoid the fear of abandonment or the shame of inadequacy, the controlling partner resorts to extreme emotions such as anger, rage, threats, and even emotional or physical abuse.
The primary difference in modern twenty-first century couples and those in the past is the level of equality, equity, freedom and autonomy. Relationships thrive when each individual has the liberty to develop and grow as a person and a partner. This evolving process generates energy that keeps both partners interested and excited about a future together.
When one partner tries to control or limit the other’s choices, excitement is replaced by resentment, which is the number one cause of growing apart, and growing apart is cited as the most common reason for divorce and separation.
Once resentment enters a relationship, excitement fades, passion wanes, and anger is never far behind. Good feelings and effective communication go out the window, while criticism, defensiveness, and withdrawal seep in. When negative exchanges begin to outweigh the positives, the relationship is in serious trouble of tearing apart.
Transforming Controlling Behavior
Sometimes controlling behavior is simply a habit. The best way to break a habit is to form a new one. Developing a “no advice” policy might be just the right approach to replace the old pattern.
As soon as you catch yourself trying to control your partner, stop and apologize: ”There, I did it again, I’m sorry”. It’s also a good idea to tell them what you are sorry for so they know you “got it”.
Apology goes a long way if you are sincere.
Instead of directing, or trying to influence your partner to what you want, simply say “oh” (to de-escalate you and show a noncommittal neutral stance) or “tell me more about how you think about that”. You might discover a great deal of wisdom in your partner’s perspective- especially if you’re more willing to be loving than to be right.
Most controlling behavior is fueled by anxiety or fear: therefore, you must learn to manage those feeling within yourself instead of trying to manage your partner’s behavior. Emotional regulation gives you control of what happens in your mind and your own behavior. Trying to control your partner’s life will wear you out and tear down your relationships. If the old pattern of controlling starts up, call a time-out. You can’t have an argument over control when one person refuses to participate.
If you’re the partner feeling controlled, then it’s your responsibility to speak up! Silence enables the behavior to continue. You might be more aware of the controlling behavior that your partner. Work together to agree upon a kind way to signal when the pattern re-emerges. Develop a redirect strategy to replace the old habits For example: when I life my hand in the stop position, I’d like you to be quiet and let me finish what I am doing.”
If you do not feel safe or competent to talk with your partner about the issue of control, take this as a sign to seek professional help.
They prevent us from being in harmony with the world. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.
reached out to me for sex and I turned my back, pushed you away, or made lame excuses to avoid any romantic or sexual time together? How about if I went day after day ignoring your sexual needs?
them anymore.
commitment to be available as a sexual/ sensual/ intimate partner whenever either of you has the desire.
stranger mean more to you than your own family? You have ruined all our lives just to follow your feelings and please yourself.
Most people, however, don’t decide- they slide into an affair. Conscious thought doesn’t enter into the picture. An innocent acquaintance gradually becomes more intimate until it’s the primary source of pleasure. An innocent acquaintance gradually becomes more intimate until it’s the primary source of pleasure. The affair begins with two people sharing information or an activity; they bond around personal contact and mutual experiences. With little or no conscious thought, they cross the line into infatuation. Once the affair relationship start to provide a sensual or sexual high, then it’s “game over.” You are now under the influence of infatuation, one of the strongest forces found in nature. Infatuation sets up an insatiable craving for more contact that’s practically impossible to resist.
These can also be addressed in psychotherapy with a professional who is familiar with guiding you through to build trust, safety and a positive connection.
As strange as it sounds, criticism has a positive purpose: it’s an attempt to evoke a change in the relationship. Complaint, comparison, and blame are ways of letting you know something needs to shift: but even though it is aimed toward a solution, criticism often becomes the problem.
end by trying harder and apologizing. Others defend by withdrawing, getting angry, or loosing hope. When criticized, your psyche switches into a defensive mode, and while this protection is in place, connection with your partner is broken. With repeated criticism you’ll eventually associate your partner with pain, not pleasure, leaving you no choice but to tune out and disconnect. If and when this happens, the distance between you will widen at an alarming rate.
You can transform criticism by stating the underlying desire. Be clever, not critical. You can eliminate the need for criticism altogether by catching your partner in the act of doing something right – even a seemingly mundane thing – and acknowledging it.
It’s not inappropriate to ask what is most pleasurable or most exciting for married couples, but meaningful lovemaking is so much more than creating greater sexual arousal and climaxes. In my view, “healthy” protects happy pleasure it doesn’t threaten it.
When sex becomes the relationship it’s like trying to support a fifty story hotel on a foundation made of toothpicks. You build a healthy sexual relationship by building a healthy marriage on all levels: emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and relationally. As Dr. Harry Schaumberg so ably puts it, “To be spiritually mature, you must be sexually mature; to be sexually mature, you must be spiritually mature. And I’d say that to be spiritually mature, and sexually mature, you need to be relationally mature. In other words, a mature marriage is a three legged stool of spiritual, relational, and sexual maturity.”
pain’; media portrayal of ‘S and M’ roles often involves humorous exaggeration. Grim reality exists that we in our cultural denial attempt to avoid and deflect with humor. For many, the combination of pain and sex is as repugnant as violence.”
expression of your faith), as a person who is cherished and loved. In unhealthy sexuality, the sexual experience leaves you feeling empty, alienated, almost like you’re role-playing or an object.
A young man “falls in love” with a woman, woos her until he has monopolized her social calendar and then weeks or months later, drops her. Once she has abandoned everything for him, he abandons her. But it was all done in the name of love. His feelings once told him it would never end, so he demanded absolute commitment and focus. But now that the feelings have changed, so apparently has his view of “love.”
