Communication and negotiation are two main factors in a good relationship. This looks like two adults bringing their best to each other with mutual respect and consideration. No one wants to be controlled or bullied in a relationship. This article by Pat Love from her book “You’re Tearing Us Apart” makes us understand what is behind a “controller” and what to do about it.
premarital counseling
Resentments in Relationships
Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving ourselves and others. Resentments do not punish the other person, they punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life. They prevent us from being in harmony with the world. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.
Letting go of resentments does not mean we allow the other person to do anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future. We can let go of resentments and still have boundaries.
Try to see the good in the person, or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident you feel resentful about. Try to see your part. Get clarity on what your boundaries are and be willing to speak up and state your boundaries with others. (teach people how to treat you). Then put the incident to rest.
Your Sexual Withholding Is Tearing Us Apart
“You wonder why I’m distant, angry, and hurt. You wonder why I’m not affectionate – just think about it. How would you feel if you reached out to me for sex and I turned my back, pushed you away, or made lame excuses to avoid any romantic or sexual time together? How about if I went day after day ignoring your sexual needs?
It’s hard for me to feel like helping you or supporting you when you’re so insensitive. Problem is, it takes two of us to be sexual but only one person (you!) to say no. You have the power to stop our sex life and you have used that power at the risk of our happiness.
You must not feel what I feel when we go without sex. I can’t help but believe if you knew how physically, emotionally, and psychologically uncomfortable it is for me, that you would feel guilty about your resistance. Or maybe you just don’t care; maybe you don’t care about sex and don’t care about me. Whatever the reason, I’m not happy about it and you should understand why I’m upset.”
The Purpose of Sexual Withholding
People withhold sex for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s simply a difference in sexual desire: one partner wants sex twice a week and the other prefers twice a month. (The two most common frequency preferences among couples) Some partners don’t enjoy the same sexual activities and therefore resist any sexual contact at all. They lack effective communication skills as well as suggestions for sexual techniques that could lead to mutual enjoyment. Some people use lack of sex as a way to “punish” their partner or get their partners attention when they feel their partner is not listening to them anymore. A significant number of couples simply don’t make time for sex. The lead busy lives with little relaxation or quiet moments together. Some partners simply aren’t interested in sex and feel justified in ignoring their partner’s needs- although this is far rarer than you might believe. Given the right situation almost everyone enjoys sex. If the partner who initiates sex more often exhibits offensive behavior, such as acting in an angry or defensive manner, this may serve as a turn-off and justification for the other partner to withhold sexual contact. Without effective communication skills a cold war may ensue. Easily, the most common reason partners withhold sex is lack of information related to healthy, fun, sexual practices. They don’t know what turns them on and therefore cannot provide their partners with constructive information that would lead to mutual satisfaction. They may never have come close to experiencing their own sexual potential.The Disconnect from Sexual Withholding
Early in a relationship, with novelty fueling the libido, sexual desire and receptivity run high for most couples. Over the course of time normal differences evolve, requiring skills and knowledge to navigate. Unfortunately, not all individuals or couples are equipped to manage these sexual changes. When reality falls short of expectations, disappointment sets in. In the beginning of a relationship it appears as if you both have the same desires, similar interests in sex, and are tuned in to one another’s needs in an almost perfect manner. Managing your intimate love life takes little or no effort at all. This romantic love stage fosters the belief that it will always be this way. When normal differences emerge, disenchantment follows. How you manage this common post-rapture stage of love will determine how connected or disconnected you are as a couple. Disconnection occurs when curiosity, caring, compassion, and open communication are replaced with criticism, control, blame, bullying, defensiveness, defiance, withdrawal, withholding, anger, or avoidance.Transforming Sexual Withholding
Most people live a lifetime and never experience the full pleasure of their sexual potential – or the potential of the partnership. Unaware of sexual styles as well as the differing partnership. Unaware of sexual styles as well as the differing pathways to arousal, they stay stuck in old patterns and parochial views. Transformation requires a new perspective beginning with commitment to creating a passionate relationship together. Sexual withholding can be a little problem or a big problem, and transformation must be congruent with the level of severity. If you are just out of practice and need to get back on track, reignite your sex life with these words of wisdom:- Set mutual established sensual/sexual goals for your relationship.
- Start with small, doable goals.
- Make time for sex. Block off private, uninterrupted periods and make these commitments sacred.
- Become an expert in your own sexual arousal and desire.
- Establish a safe way of talking about sex.
- Accept and honor differences between the two of you.
- Understand that half the population doesn’t feel like having sex until they are already having sex.
- Set aside time to talk and listen in a calm, respectful manner.
- Practice replacing criticism with asking specifically for what you want.
- Anytime your partner comes close to pleasing you, acknowledge the act with a smile, touch, or “Thank you!”
- Consult a third party – Read a related book such as “Hot Monogamy” or “You Can Make It Happen” as a study guide for your relationship.
“Your’re Tearing Us Apart”
by Pat Love, Eva Berlander, and Kathleen McFadden
Your Affair is Tearing Us Apart
“Just the thought of you being with someone else literally makes me feel sick. I can’t believe you would do this to me. I can’t believe you would do this to us! After all we have gone through and after all we have built together, I can’t believe you would throw it all away without a thought or concern for anyone but yourself. What were you thinking? Did you even think of how I would feel? Did you even care? Does this stranger mean more to you than your own family? You have ruined all our lives just to follow your feelings and please yourself.
So is this about sex? Are you not attracted to me anymore? Did you ever find me attractive? Am I such a miserable failure? It feels like my heart is being torn out of my body. Why are you doing this to me?
I am angry but I am also deeply sad. I’m grieving the loss of a dream. I guess it was a dream because I thought we had a strong loving relationship while all along you were giving your love and attention secretly to someone else.
How could you look at me and act like nothing was happening while knowing you were lying to my face? Some part of me feels like a big fool- for loving you, believing you, and trusting you. Well, you’ve broken that trust, and I don’t know if I can ever get that back again.”
The Purpose Behind Affairs
People have affairs for a variety of reasons, but the ones I hear in therapy are often, “I felt someone paid attention and was interested in me”, “It’s fun”, “I felt important to someone”, “It feels good”. Although most of us enjoy the security, companionship and comfort of a committed, monogamous relationship, we also might desire the passion and intensity that comes from a new relationship, especially a secret one. People have affairs because they consider it nobody else’s business (not even their partners’). This affair might be about sex only; it could be an emotional affair they don’t consider infidelity; it might add spice to their committed relationship; it might be a lifelong personal style and they have no interest in changing; it could be perceived as a reward for working hard and fulfilling responsibilities. An affair can also be payback or a passive-aggressive act against the committed partner. Most people, however, don’t decide- they slide into an affair. Conscious thought doesn’t enter into the picture. An innocent acquaintance gradually becomes more intimate until it’s the primary source of pleasure. An innocent acquaintance gradually becomes more intimate until it’s the primary source of pleasure. The affair begins with two people sharing information or an activity; they bond around personal contact and mutual experiences. With little or no conscious thought, they cross the line into infatuation. Once the affair relationship start to provide a sensual or sexual high, then it’s “game over.” You are now under the influence of infatuation, one of the strongest forces found in nature. Infatuation sets up an insatiable craving for more contact that’s practically impossible to resist. It’s easy to be judgmental about affairs. But being attracted to another person is normal. For some, monogamy is compatible and comfortable. For others, monogamy takes a more conscious effort. An important clarification regarding affairs- contrary to popular belief- is that affairs can and do happen in good relationships. You can be in a happily committed relationship and still meet someone at work with whom you have chemistry. If you follow the chemistry, an affair will follow.The Disconnect from Affairs
Infidelity threatens the connection between two people in many ways. Affairs break trust, lack of trust creates anxiety, and managing anxiety is exhausting. Affair-repair takes a lot of energy. Affairs change your image of your partner. Whether you had the affair or you’re reeling from your partner’s affair, the experience will show you another side of one another’s personality. When we are in the throes of fear or shame, none of us function at our best. Affairs are traumatic. Trauma is any real or perceived threat to survival. When you are in a committed love relationship your partner becomes an attachment figure. This means, your partner’s attention determines your feeling of security and survival. So if your partner chooses someone else over you, it feels like you are going to die. Affairs evoke fear of abandonment. Even though affairs most often are the result of your partner’s unilateral, personal decision, it’s hard not to take it as a personal affront. When you’re reeling in the hurt it’s hard to reach the love that once connected you. The unfaithful partner can feel shame because:- I broke my promise of fidelity. I lied and cheated.
- I gave away what I promised to you.
- I went against my core values. I disappointed the people I love.
- I told other people what you did to punish you.
- Like a fool, I trusted you.
- I took you back after all the hurt, the betrayal, and everything you’ve done.
- I’ll put up with anything, so what does that say about me?
Transforming Affairs
Affairs can bring out the best and worst of times when trying to repair your relationship. The best of times can include realizing how important you are to one another, having fun together, being vulnerable and compassionate, becoming better communicators, making new commitments, being affectionate and having great sex. Affairs can also bring out the worst of times. If you had the affair you may feel like you never loved your committed partner. You may grieve the loss of the affair partner and resent your committed partner for taking that away. You might believer you will never be as happy as you were with the affair partner. You might even believe you have lost the love of your life. If you are the betrayed partner, you may feel like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster. You may feel like your whole life has been a lie and the rug was pulled out from under you. You may have feelings of hatred and revenge, even violence, something you never thought you could feel. You may become obsessed about micromanaging your partner’s behavior and want to monitor every hour of the day. You may hack a phone or computer, plant a GPS device, or hire a private detective. You may want to stay one minute and run away forever in the next. It may feel like temporary insanity to either of you or both. The good news is, it’s not only possible to survive but to thrive in a relationship after an affair. Here are some basic steps to facilitate the process:Step One – Zero Contact:
Generally, recovery and repair can’t begin until there is zero contact with the affair partner. That means no face-to-face visits, phone calls, emails, texts, or internet contact – nothing. That also means no fantasizing, re-reading communications, listening to your “special music,” or revisiting the love scenes. This can be especially difficult when the affair involves someone from work.Step Two – Informed Consent:
Most individuals need some relevant information and facts about the betrayal including, but not limited to, names, places, time spent together, money spent on affair/ affair partner, activities, and details. The partner who was betrayed has the right to the information to make an informed decision about moving forward. It’s difficult to rebuild a relationship without a foundation of honesty. Giving relevant information is also an indication that the unfaithful partner is protecting the committed partner not the affair partner. In couples therapy, this is called a “disclosure” session.Step Three – Remorse:
The partner who betrayed must understand and have compassion for the betrayed partner’s pain caused by the infidelity. This is a pivotal step. Without remorse, forgiveness is difficult, if not impossible. Without remorse, further betrayal is probably. It’s not about just being sorry but being able to tell your spouse why you are sorry.Step Four – Forgiveness:
This step is vital for the relationship to grow and prosper, and it is often a difficult process for the betrayed partner. It means to let go of anger, bitterness and being able to see good in yourself and your world. It does not mean to forget what happened, but to see it in a way that doesn’t make you toxic and sick.Step Six – Create a New Contract:
This doesn’t mean you need a formal, legal document (although some couples do), but be sure you’re in agreement about what it means to be in a committed, monogamous relationship. Most couples commit to being lovers, best friends, confidants, playmates, financial partners, social partners, each other’s priority above everything else, and always on each other’s side.Recommitment
Most couples get into relationships without discussing expectations and behaviors that are acceptable and unacceptable for the relationship. It’s important for both of you to be on the same page about your recommitment to one another. A therapist can be a good third person to help you create a safe space for this. Some couples even have a recommitment ceremony after a period of healing and forgiveness.After the Affair
Once time has passed and healing has begun, it may be important to look at issues that were in play before the affair took place. Addressing unresolved issues, changing communication patterns, and revitalizing your sex life may be in order as you move forward together, but only well after you both have recovered from the betrayal. The ultimate question for couples facing infidelity are the following. These can also be addressed in psychotherapy with a professional who is familiar with guiding you through to build trust, safety and a positive connection.- Is this a relationship that I want to nourish, cherish and value as a priority in my life?
- What actions will you take in your relationship to be the best partner you can be?
- What expectations will you have of yourself to be an excellent partner?
- What action steps can I take to keep my relationship exciting, alive and meaningful.
- What are your core values?
- How can you live each day with authenticity and without regret?
Paraphrased from “You’re Tearing Us Apart – 20 Ways We Wreck Our Relationships and Strategies to Repair Them” – Pat Love, Eva Berlander, and Kathleen McFadden
“Your Criticism is Tearing Us Apart”
People who criticize don’t realize how hurtful it is when they attack others. The one attacked usually ends up feeling like no matter what they do, nothing ever seems good enough. All the good feels over looked even when you go out of your way to try and please your partner. It makes one feel like not trying anymore. Also, the burden of feeling unappreciated and judged tends to grow heavier the longer you are together.
As strange as it sounds, criticism has a positive purpose: it’s an attempt to evoke a change in the relationship. Complaint, comparison, and blame are ways of letting you know something needs to shift: but even though it is aimed toward a solution, criticism often becomes the problem.
Partners who criticize aren’t fully aware of the impact because, typically, they are trying to communicate a desire for change that they feel will improve the relationship. Although their intentions are positive, they don’t realize the result is negative. “You don’t listen to me,” may mean, “I want you to show interest in me by remembering our conversations because that makes me feel close to you and loved by you.” Or, “All you ever think about is sex,” may mean, “I want to have sex with you and it takes an emotional connection to ignite my desire.”
One common point of confusion regarding criticism is how men and women differ in their responses to it. Neither likes it, but if a woman complains to another woman, “The kids are driving me crazy!” most women will move in closer to comfort or console. “I am so sorry. Tell me what’s going on.” But if a woman complains to a man, “The kids are driving me crazy!” He knows sooner or later it’s going to be his fault. Most men are fixers, and so a woman’s complaint feels like his failure for not fixing the problem or preventing it from happening. Interestingly, when a man criticizes another man, it’s often in the form of banter or sparing: it even can be a way of helping him improve, for instance, “If you get a better haircut you might get a date!” These same principles work in same sex relationships also.
Behind every criticism is a desire, but when a desire in delivered and received in a negative manner, the results are personal and hurtful.
Most people defend against criticism. Some people defend by trying harder and apologizing. Others defend by withdrawing, getting angry, or loosing hope. When criticized, your psyche switches into a defensive mode, and while this protection is in place, connection with your partner is broken. With repeated criticism you’ll eventually associate your partner with pain, not pleasure, leaving you no choice but to tune out and disconnect. If and when this happens, the distance between you will widen at an alarming rate.
Relationship connection is critical to our well-being- not to mention our survival. One of our greatest human strengths is attachment. We need to be understood, cared about, and, from time-to-time, have another individual experience a state of mind similar to our own.
Criticism comes in all forms: cutting words: sounds, such as a heavy sigh: and bodily expressions like piercing eyes, wrinkled forehead, or threatening body posture.
Continual criticism ultimately can lead to contempt, the single greatest predictor of divorce and separation. Contempt means, “I’ve made my mind about you and it’s not good.” Contempt keeps you from seeing what your partner does right while only seeing what your partner does wrong.
Criticism is stressful for both partners and keeps you both on edge. As love as defenses are up, connection is down. Couples who are disconnected risk growing apart, which is the most commonly cited cause of divorce and separation.
Transforming Criticism
Behind ever blame, judgement, complaint, and criticism is a desire, so cut to the chase – go straight to our desire. Ask for what you want in an affirmative way. State your desire positively, measurably, and specifically. “I would love for you to plan one evening a month alone for us where we have no phones or electronics for a three-hour block of time.” You can transform criticism by stating the underlying desire. Be clever, not critical. You can eliminate the need for criticism altogether by catching your partner in the act of doing something right – even a seemingly mundane thing – and acknowledging it. “It really helped when you put gas in my car for me this weekend.” “Thank you for a wonderful evening and just staying home relaxing with me.” “It feels so good when you smile at me and tell me you love me.” “Thank you for remembering I had that review at work today because your note of encouragement lifted my spirits.” Your partner is very interested in your desires but cannot hear you when they come in the form of criticism. Stay connected by sending your positive message in a positive package. Don’t forget you can catch a mood, so try infecting your partner with positivity. The only person you can change is yourself, and you alone can promote positive change and help keep the path clear for connection by transforming criticism into desire and appreciation.6 Marks of Healthy Sexuality
What are the marks of a healthy sexual relationship?
It’s not inappropriate to ask what is most pleasurable or most exciting for married couples, but meaningful lovemaking is so much more than creating greater sexual arousal and climaxes. In my view, “healthy” protects happy pleasure it doesn’t threaten it.
Some people find that after they get married that their spouse has some sexual hang-ups. At first, they thought the best thing to do was to “go along.” Going along never works; it just prolongs the inevitable crisis. Nursing an unhealthy inclination never makes things better; it just makes the way back a little longer and ultimately more difficult.
Seeking a healthy sexual relationship is a fair, good and wise pursuit.
These six marks aren’t exhaustive; I’m sure there are many more, but here’s a short, non-scientific test to see how you and your spouse are doing in regards to sexual intimacy.
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Sex is good when it’s relational.
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Healthy sex supports a relationship rather than being the relationship.
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Healthy sex confronts rather than perpetuates sexual brokenness
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Healthy sexuality is about mutually shared pleasure; perverse sexuality is about numbing the pain with selfish indulgence.
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Healthy sex is based in truth
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Healthy sex affirms your sense of self
This article has been edited from an original article written by Rev. Gary Thomas. Rev. Thomas is a Christian counselor. To read the original article go to http://www.garythomas.com/6-marks-of-healthy-sexuality/. You can also sign up for his website by going to http://www.garythomas.com/feed/
Effective Communications Workshop
Hello All! I highly recommend this Communications Workshop for anyone interested in having better communication skills, to learn best ways to be heard when you speak, to deepen your listening skills, and to create more satisfaction in your relationships and intimacy with others. Best Wishes! Denise
Effective Communications Workshop Details
Have you ever wondered why it’s so easy to get along with some people while relating to others takes enormous effort? Amy Groblewski’s workshop, Everything DiSC in the Workplace, provides a research-validated model that gives customized information about your behavioral style’s priorities and preferences. Erica Hitt’s workshop, Communication isn’t Just About Talking, shows that how we communicate can be our most positive asset or our greatest liability. It’s not only what you say, but when you say it, where you say it and how you say it that has the potential to motivate and encourage or humiliate and dishonor everyone around you.Call to reserve your space today!
Saturday, October 10, 2015 9:00 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. CST St. Martin’s Church Payne Education Building 717 Sage Road Houston, TX 77056 | Map RSVP with More To Life Houston 713-838-1100 houston@moretolife.org $75.00 per person Paper Assessments & Workbooks IncludedTrue Love
The most damaging instance of “identity theft” is when hate masquerades as love.
I see it all the time, particularly in dating relationships.
A young man “falls in love” with a woman, woos her until he has monopolized her social calendar and then weeks or months later, drops her. Once she has abandoned everything for him, he abandons her. But it was all done in the name of love. His feelings once told him it would never end, so he demanded absolute commitment and focus. But now that the feelings have changed, so apparently has his view of “love.”
A premarital couple the jackpot when the young man finally said, “Okay, now I get that loving her means I’m supposed to support her to be the best she can be”. What this means is being concerned about your partners well being (emotionally, physically, sexually and above all spiritually). The relationship comes after that.
Our primary aim in every relationship, including marriage and dating, is help each other grow and to bring out the best in each other.
If you start spending every extra moment together and the relationship doesn’t last, you’ve pulled this person from their friends and their life focus. When the relationship crashes, their life crashes and has to be completely rebuilt. Leaving someone in that condition is like mortgaging their house so you can gamble with their money to get rich. It’s reckless, it’s selfish it’s the opposite of love.
When a married woman uses sex to manipulate or humiliate her husband, that is not love. That’s taking something precious and using it as an evil weapon. When a married man considers it a betrayal if his wife has any other significant relationships that is also not love. He’s controlling her in the name of preserving some misguided sense of marital loyalty.
Love is always—always—doing what is best for the other person. Not what is best for you. Not what will make them like you or need you or want you. Love is kind, it is patient, it is strong enough to do what is right instead of giving way to the weakness of selfishness or feelings, it is self-sacrificing, it never rejoices in wrongdoing, it doesn’t insist on its own way.
Don’t be fooled by self-interest masquerading as love. Insist on love.
-Copied and revised from an article by Rev. Gary Thomas
10 Tips To Gain Emotion Health, A Happier Life, & Stronger Relationships
10 Tips To Gain Emotion Health, A Happier Life, & Stronger Relationships
A Special Note From Denise
It is no secret that we all want to feel happy, and each one of us has different ways of getting there. Did you know that happiness, joy and peace are your natural state of being? Yes, it is. Every other emotional feeling is a learned response to circumstances… everything! You have inadvertently learned to feel the way you are feeling right now, learned to settle for less than you really want, to make choices that fall short of happiness, and to accept not having your needs met. In fact, you may have mistakenly come to believe that’s just how life is. But, what you have learned is now holding you back like invisible, elusive walls. Happiness is not something you have to strive for or achieve. It’s a state of being that happens when your needs are being met and you are in balance. Depression, anxiety, frustration, anger, worry, stress, lethargy, guilt, fear, abandonment, judgment, grief, sadness, victimization, suicide, and every other negative state is simply a result of not getting your needs meet … of not knowing how to get your needs met. In this state you are out of balance, disempowered. Your life spins out of balance and spirals downward … or it simply stalls and you go nowhere. There is hope! There is a way to stop this cycle and reach your emotional and happiness goals. Stop settling, and begin to live again. Here are ten steps that you can take to increase your emotional health and bring more happiness into your life. I hope you enjoy this information and it helps you in living a more happy life. Sincerely,Denise O’Doherty
Family Isn’t Always Blood
Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs: the ones who ACCEPT you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who LOVE you no matter what.