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Denise O’Doherty

Denise O’Doherty

Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Drug and Alcohol Counselor, Registered Nurse

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Home » self esteem

self esteem

July 3, 2019 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Self Care and Relationships

anger management, couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counselingSelf-care, it turns out, takes a lot more effort and energy than just getting a mani/pedi, going to a new restaurant or getting a massage. It means truly accepting accountability for your physical, mental, and emotional well-being, and making decisions that support it. Self-care asks us to establish boundaries and practice (at least some) discipline so that we give ourselves the best chance at happiness. It requires us to tune in and get to know our thought patterns, desires, triggers, and fundamental needs so that we can properly anticipate and manage them. Self-care is the very definition of adulting. It puts the ball in our court and empowers us to go get what we need to feel whole instead of expecting anyone else to guess what it is and magically deliver it on a silver platter.

This certainly does not mean we can’t ask for help or that we shouldn’t look for support from people in our lives. It’s only a problem if/when we start believing our own sense of worth, fulfillment, and happiness rests solely on their shoulders. When we expect others to take care of our core needs, we become the victims who need to be rescued and set our relationships up for failure. Solid, healthy, mutually beneficial friendships and marriages are formed when two whole people choose to be together to support and elevate one another… not fix or “complete” each other.

Will Smith does a great job talking about this in this brief Facebook video – check it out!
What can you do today to take action and find solutions to your problems and feel like you are creating a life you love? What can you do today to connect you to your true passions and get more of a sense of who you are?

How many times have you justified spending money on a new phone or outfit or fun activity but decided that it didn’t make you happy? Are you putting off talking to a therapist or seeing an acupuncturist to help with more substantial problems because was just too expensive? How many times have you prioritized work over rest or decided against getting help because you’ve felt you should be able to do it all yourself? And how many times have you experienced a pang of resentment towards someone who’s not “doing their job” taking care of your needs?

” Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” – Audre Lorde

I invite you to re-visit the concept of self-care and consider it as an act of boldness and power. When we take accountability for our own health and happiness, we take control of our lives AND give the people around us the freedom they need to be themselves and love us how they know best. When you stop expecting someone to fix your problems, you get a deeper sense of being able to ENJOY each other.

The better you are, the less you demand, and the more you receive. Taking care of yourself can improve your life as well as your relationships. Do it today!

 

Filed Under: anger management, couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
May 21, 2019 | BY Denise O'Doherty

GRATITUDE – How it can easily and effortlessly enhance our lives”

Someone just sent me a wonderful video about gratitude.
So I thought I’d pass it along. Here is the link to the gratitude video:

Filed Under: addiction counseling, addiction recovery, anger management, areas of practice, couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
January 23, 2019 | BY Denise O'Doherty

How to Overcome Childhood Emotional Neglect

One of my clients sent this to me saying it was extremely helpful.
I found it interesting and thought some of you might like it and find it helpful as well.
It is a youtube on “Overcoming Childhood Emotional Neglect”. (About 10 minutes)

Hope your new year is going well!
Denise

When we grow up in an emotionally neglectful environment it can cause us to believe that our thoughts, feelings, and desires don’t matter. This can in turn cause us question anything we experience and struggle to trust how we feel. We can find it difficult to let people in, and constantly worry what others think about us.

Those who have suffered from emotional neglect often don’t even know it was happening, because this type of neglect isn’t something we can easily see. Many parents who were emotionally neglectful give their children every material thing they need, and from the outside look like amazing parents. But if their child needs any emotional support or encouragement from them, they are nowhere to be found.

HOW TO RECOVER:

1. Start noticing/tracking your feelings: Print out feelings charts and track them each day. It may be hard at first, so start with the easier ones (often tired, sad, and worried are easier to begin with). It’s normal for us to not know how we feel all the time, but give yourself the chance to listen to your body and acknowledge all that you may be feeling.

2. Try describing the feeling word you selected without using that exact word (ex. I am feeling energized, excited, and bubbly – when describing happy)

3. Begin noticing your needs: What are the things you need physically to survive? How about things you need emotionally? When do they come up? Take your time thinking about these, and even pretend that someone you love had those needs to. What would you think about them then?

4. Self-Care! I know I talk about this a lot, but when it comes to healing from CEN self-care is our way of nurturing and caring for ourselves. Are there things you wished your parent had done for you? Let’s make time to do those things for ourselves.

5. Accept help and support from others: It can be hard to let people in when we weren’t supported as a child, but we need other people in our lives who can help us through the tough times. Ensure these people are worth having around, and that they are trust worthy, and then slowly let them in.

6. Set healthy boundaries: This is SO IMPORTANT! It’s okay to say no! You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to, and people will understand and respect you more because of it.

Filed Under: anger management, areas of practice, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
November 15, 2018 | BY Denise O'Doherty

The Holidays and Forgiveness

The holidays are approaching and they are meant to be a time of great joy and love. You can see the beginnings of planning and anticipation wherever you go. Stores and streets are decorated. Commercials have holiday themes and people are making decisions now as to how they are going to celebrate.

To enjoy the holidays fully, some of us need to give up the blocks and resistance that prevent us from experiencing the magic and possibilities of being fully present and fully able to accept the good that is all around us. Blocks such as anger, resentment and blaming can get in our way. Most people have someone in their life who they feel has treated them wrong. They hurt our feelings, left us in a difficult situation, maybe even betrayed us. Maybe we were treated in a way that we never thought possible, or never thought possible by that particular person. But it happened.

We can never change what happened in the past. Our acceptance of their behavior can put us back in control to make decisions that are best for us. Once we face and accept the truth of what happened, we can stop struggling. We don’t have to let someone else’s poor, neglectful or abusive behavior control our happiness.  We can develop healthy boundaries, have healthy friends and avoid toxic people. Let go of people, thoughts and behaviors that don’t serve you.

It’s never OK for someone to hurt someone else. Never. Forgiveness isn’t about saying what happened is OK. Forgiveness is about letting go of the negative hold it has on you.

It’s time to grieve our losses and let go of our blocks to personal freedom. Don’t give your happiness over to someone else.

Once we fully grieve our losses, feel our pain, accept what happened and forgive, we can feel joy and love once again. Let go of blocks that prevent you from living fully and having a good time. It is our responsibility to make our life work and make it work well. Be good to yourself and by being open to the celebrations, joy, warmth and love that you see all around you. Enjoy the holidays! You can choose to make them a great time for you!

Filed Under: anger management, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
May 29, 2018 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Why You Should Stop Being So Hard on Yourself

Self-criticism can take a toll on our minds and bodies. It’s time to ease up.

“We’re all our own worst critics.” Ever heard that one before?

anxiety, depression, Overcoming Shame, Increasing Self-Esteem, self esteem, self esteem counseling,
Photo Courtesy of NYTimes.com

Yes, it’s an obnoxious cliché, but it’s not just self-help fluff. Evolutionary psychologists have studied our natural “negativity bias,” which is that instinct in us all that makes negative experiences seem more significant than they really are.

In other words: We’ve evolved to give more weight to our flaws, mistakes and shortcomings than our successes.

“Self-criticism can take a toll on our minds and bodies,” said Dr. Richard Davidson, founder and director of the Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, where he also teaches psychology and psychiatry.

“It can lead to ruminative thoughts that interfere with our productivity, and it can impact our bodies by stimulating inflammatory mechanisms that lead to chronic illness and accelerate aging,” he said.

But that’s not the end of the story. There are ways around our negativity bias, and it is possible to turn self-criticism into opportunities for learning and personal growth. (Really!) But first, let’s talk about how we got here.

O.K., so, why are we so hard on ourselves?

For one, blame evolution.

“Our brains equip us with a mechanism to monitor our mind and our behavior,” Dr. Davidson said, so that when we make errors, we are able to notice the mistake. “In order to recover, we first must notice that a mistake has occurred,” he said.

Just noticing that we’ve deviated from our expectations or goals — whether that’s eating too much or not completing a daily to-do list — isn’t necessarily the same thing as degrading ourselves into a shame spiral. In some cases, like when our safety or moral integrity are on the line, it’s crucial that our brains tell us good from bad so that we learn the right lessons from our experiences.

But sometimes, assigning negative value to our experiences and behaviors can “ensnare” us, Dr. Davidson said, into cycles of unhelpful rumination — like when you lie in bed at night needlessly replaying an awkward interaction or repeatedly revisiting that minor typo. This is where we get into the harmful, counterproductive side of self-criticism.

And it’s that type of self-criticism that can have measurably destructive effects, including symptoms of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, negative self-image and, in a particularly vicious twist, decreased motivation and productivity, according to a study published in the Journal of Psychotherapy Integration. Another study, published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, found that self-criticism leads people to becoming preoccupied with failure.

Basically, beating yourself up for finishing only three of the five items on your to-do list is going to make you less likely to finish those last two items — and yet we’re programmed to fall into that pattern.

That seems … conflicting. What should I do?

If this feels a bit like a Catch-22, that’s because it is: We’re evolutionarily predisposed to nitpick at our failings, yet doing so has the opposite of the intended effect.

The solution? It’s called self-compassion: the practice of being kind and understanding to ourselves when confronted with a personal flaw or failure, according to Dr. Kristin Neff, associate professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin.

“Research shows that the No. 1 barrier to self-compassion is fear of being complacent and losing your edge,” Dr. Neff said. “And all the research shows that’s not true. It’s just the opposite,” meaning that self-compassion can lead to greater achievement than self-criticism ever could.

In fact, several studies have shown that self-compassion supports motivation and positive change. In a 2016 study researchers found that “self-compassion led to greater personal improvement, in part, through heightened acceptance,” and that focusing on self-compassion “spurs positive adjustment in the face of regrets.”

This is, of course, easier said than done. But core to self-compassion is to avoid getting caught up in our mistakes and obsessing about them until we degrade ourselves, and rather strive to let go of them so we can move onto the next productive action from a place of acceptance and clarity, according to experts.

“When we get caught up in self-referential thinking — the type that happens with rumination, worry, guilt or self-judgment — it activates self-referential brain networks,” said the psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Judson Brewer, director of research at the Center for Mindfulness and associate professor in medicine and psychiatry at University of Massachusetts Medical School.

“When we let go of that mental chatter and go easy on ourselves, these same brain regions quiet down,” he said.

Developing an approach of self-compassion and a willingness to let go starts with practice. So where and how to start?

3 steps to self-compassion

First: Make the choice that you’ll at least try a new approach to thinking about yourself. Commit to treating yourself more kindly — call it letting go of self-judgment, going easier on yourself, practicing self-compassion or whatever resonates most.

To strengthen the muscle, Dr. Brewer suggests “any type of practice that helps us stay in the moment and notice what it feels like to get caught up. See how painful that is compared to being kind to ourselves.”

One of the most portable and evidence-based practices for noticing our thoughts and learning to let them go is meditation. Try mindfulness meditation, which involves anchoring your attention on the breath as a tool to stay present without getting lost in judgments, stories and assumptions.

You can also interrupt the spiral of negative self-talk by focusing your energy on something external that you care about, which can help you establish perspective and a sense of meaning beyond yourself.

“If you can do things to get yourself out of your own head, like going out and volunteering or doing something nice for a family member, these things can help lift the negative voices that are going on in your head,” said Emily Esfahani Smith, author of “The Power of Meaning: Crafting a Life That Matters.”

Second: The second step to self-compassion is to meet your criticism with kindness. If your inner critic says, “You’re lazy and worthless,” respond with a reminder: “You’re doing your best” or “We all make mistakes.”

Third: But it’s step three, according to Dr. Brewer, that is most important if you want to make the shift sustainable in the long term: Make a deliberate, conscious effort to recognize the difference between how you feel when caught up in self-criticism, and how you feel when you can let go of it.

“That’s where you start to hack the reward-based learning system,” Dr. Brewer said.

A part of our brains called the orbitofrontal cortex is, according to Dr. Brewer, always looking for the “BBO — the bigger better offer.”

“It compares X vs. Y,” he said, “and if Y is more pleasurable or less painful, it will learn to go with Y.”

Think about it this way: How much better might it feel to take a breath after making a mistake, rather than berating ourselves?

“All you have to do is think of going to a friend,” Dr. Neff said. “If you said, ‘I’m feeling fat and lazy and I’m not succeeding at my job,’ and your friend said, ‘Yeah, you’re a loser. Just give up now. You’re disgusting,’ how motivating would that be?”

This is the linchpin of being kinder to ourselves: Practice what it feels like to treat yourself as you might treat a friend. In order to trade in self-abuse for self-compassion, it has to be a regular habit.

So the next time you’re on the verge of falling into a shame spiral, think of how you’d pull your friend back from falling in, and turn that effort inward. If it feels funny the first time, give it second, third and fourth tries.

And if you forget on the fifth, remember: Four tries is a lot better than zero.

 

Original Article: https://mobile.nytimes.com/2018/05/22/smarter-living/why-you-should-stop-being-so-hard-on-yourself.html

Filed Under: areas of practice, leadership, self esteem, self esteem counseling
May 10, 2017 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Give up on Playing Small

“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us: it is in everyone, and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~ Marianne Williamson

 

 

Filed Under: anger management, couples counseling, leadership, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
August 25, 2014 | BY Denise O'Doherty

10 Tips To Gain Emotion Health, A Happier Life, & Stronger Relationships

10 Tips To Gain Emotion Health, A Happier Life, & Stronger Relationships

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A Special Note From Denise

It is no secret that we all want to feel happy, and each one of us has different ways of getting there.

Did you know that happiness, joy and peace are your natural state of being? Yes, it is. Every other emotional feeling is a learned response to circumstances… everything!

You have inadvertently learned to feel the way you are feeling right now, learned to settle for less than you really want, to make choices that fall short of happiness, and to accept not having your needs met. In fact, you may have mistakenly come to believe that’s just how life is. But, what you have learned is now holding you back like invisible, elusive walls.

Happiness is not something you have to strive for or achieve. It’s a state of being that happens when your needs are being met and you are in balance.

Depression, anxiety, frustration, anger, worry, stress, lethargy, guilt, fear, abandonment, judgment, grief, sadness, victimization, suicide, and every other negative state is simply a result of not getting your needs meet … of not knowing how to get your needs met. In this state you are out of balance, disempowered. Your life spins out of balance and spirals downward … or it simply stalls and you go nowhere.

There is hope! There is a way to stop this cycle and reach your emotional and happiness goals. Stop settling, and begin to live again.

Here are ten steps that you can take to increase your emotional health and bring more happiness into your life.

I hope you enjoy this information and it helps you in living a more happy life.

Sincerely,

Denise O’Doherty

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
April 18, 2014 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Family Isn’t Always Blood

Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs: the ones who ACCEPT you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who LOVE you no matter what.

couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
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