Articles

January 11, 2017 | BY Denise O'Doherty

How to be a better friend/spouse/lover, through Empathy and Compassion

Empathy is simply being able to feel and understand another person’s feelings, when they are in a difficult situation. It is being able to communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings to that person, and being non-judgmental. While this is important and certainly a good skill to use often, healthy and intimate relationships have to go beyond this. Think about it: just because I know what you are feeling doesn’t mean I care or will act in a helpful manner.

Compassion is going a step further. Compassion is the desire to show care, concern, sensitivity, warmth, love, tenderness and kindness, because you care and want to alleviate the suffering. Empathy is knowing: compassion is caring. Empathy says, “I know how your feel.” Compassion says, “I want to be part of this with you, so how can I help?”

Both skills are connecting, and kind. Knowing the difference can help assist you to respond and connect, in the manner you feel is most helpful and appropriate for your relationship and the situation.

January 6, 2017 | BY Denise O'Doherty

“Personal Boundaries and Effective Confrontation” presentation by Denise O’Doherty

Presented for The Women’s Group at First Universalist Unitarian Church
5210 Fannin St., Houston (MAP)
Sunday, January 15 at 10:30
No charge. All women are welcome.

Denise O’Doherty, psychotherapist and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, will give tips and insights on how we can better define, love and protect ourselves through “Personal Boundaries and Effective Confrontation”. Good boundaries affect everything we do. They give us freedom to be ourselves and they teach others how to treat us. Topics addressed will be what gets in the way of having good boundaries, the difference between rigid and flexible boundaries, and how to deal with passive and aggressive people by understanding their cost and payoff. Boundary setting tips, self-esteem, codependency, shame and guilt will also be addressed. She will conclude with an outline for us a step by step way to confront someone effectively.

Denise will begin with a short review of “Stages of Grief” by special request, for those dealing with feelings of loss post-election.

Visit her website at:

Home

For questions: call Denise at 713-524-9525

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem counseling

December 14, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

When Addiction Gets in the Way of Your Relationship or Marriage

The Purpose Behind Addiction

Altering your state of consciousness is a common act- and we all do it. Whether it’s morning coffee to wake up, an afternoon diet coke to re-energize, or a glass of wine to relax before bed-time, most of us use substances for attitude adjustments. Marriage Counseling, couples counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, We also use food for reasons other than nourishment.

It’s one thing to use substances within a healthy framework, but another to cross the line into addiction – and it can be very difficult to see the difference.

When we are in physical or emotional pain, we want relief immediately. When the nervous system is out of balance, we try to regulate ourselves in the best ways we know how. We turn to many substances and activities: alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, the Internet, porn, gambling and gaming. What happens after a while is that we build up tolerance and after time you much consume more to get the same effect.

The Problem with addiction.

When you are in an altered state, you become very self-centered. Frequently, the addictive habit becomes your primary relationship. Now your partner becomes a competitor to the addiction for time and attention.

Transforming Addiction

Consider these questions:

Have you experienced an irresistible urge to use against your conscious wishes?
Do you anticipate and dwell on the use beforehand?
Have you made promises or plans to cut back or quit but eventually go back to old patterns?
Have you lied to yourself or others about your use?
Do you feel guilt, shame, or embarrassment about your use?

Answering “yes” to even a few of these can be cause for alarm and a signal to seek help.

Remember, addiction is the addict’s responsibility. It is not your partners fault or responsibility to fix. It is not your fault either, but it is your problem to get corrected. Therapy, a 12-step program, or a support group are 3 steps in the right direction.

It is always the right time to get control of your life. And it is always possible to heal and go forward. You are worth it and so is your relationship.

Some material paraphrased from “You’re Tearing Us Apart” by Pat love, Eva Berlander, and Kathleen McFadden

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling

November 22, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Holiday Bliss vs. Holiday Blues!

Houston is full of positive images and for the Holidays. Already, you can see beautiful colored lights adorning the palm trees on major roadways, colorful decorations that sparkle and glow catch your attention in shopping centers, and soon happy holiday music will be playing everywhere you go. couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling Houston Texas, Marriage Counseling Houston Texas, relationship counseling Houston Texas The message is that holidays are a time of giving and receiving surrounded by family and friends giving recognition for our lives. Its easy to envision festive images of family, friends, food, party’s and religious observation.

In other words the holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration and fun. Yet, ironically holidays can also bring about stress, anxiety, depression and disappointment. These occur for many reasons. Socializing for the holidays often is an excuse for people to over eat, and over drink, feeling miserable and remorseful later. Guilt and shame can also accompany “giving in”. The pressure of gift giving and going out more can be stressful if one over- steps financial boundaries and spends too much, only to pay for it later, both financially and emotionally. Feeling frantic, trying to live up to what you think others expect from you and what you unrealistically expect from yourself and others can lead to anxiety and disappointment. Compromising your values or beliefs, feeling stuck and obligated, with limited choices and alternatives can lead to depression.

Symptoms that alert us to depression are:

gaining or loosing a significant amount of weight in a short time
over or under sleeping
feeling overly tearful
feeling that it’s hard to focus or concentrate
feeling socially withdrawn.

To Get the Most Out of Your Holidays:

Plan Ahead, so you can pace your activities without getting stressed.
Get some down time for you. This should be a restful time not a stressful time, giving you time to reflect on the year, your life and your goals for the next year.
Exercise your personal boundaries and be clear with others regarding what you can do and what you want to do, and stick to your plan.
Make your own choices on what’s healthy and responsible regarding food and alcohol.
Be realistic in what you spend. Sometimes the most heartfelt and appreciated gifts are not expensive.
Choose your Company! Be with people who appreciate you, and who can enjoy a fun and stress-free holiday with you.

Make your holiday fun and memorable!

Psychotherapy can help restore joy and meaning in life. If you or someone you know is struggling or has lost the ability to feel the joy that comes with celebration and connection to others, or who wants to focus on their direction and purpose for the new year, you may want to consider therapy. Call for a free phone consultation, to discuss what brief therapy can do for you, or someone you care about and make the holidays and new year something to celebrate!

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling

October 25, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Substance over Form

This is an excerpt from Melody Beatie’s book “The Language of Letting Go”:

Substance over Form

I’m learning that for a variety of reasons, I’ve spent much of my life focusing on form rather than substance. My focus has been on having my hair done perfectly, wearing the right clothes, having my car always neat and clean, living in the right place, furnishing it with the right furniture, working at the right job, and having the right friends and partners. Form, rather than substance, has controlled my behavior in many areas of my life. Now, I’m finally getting to the truth. It’ substance that counts.

-Anonymous

There is nothing wrong in wanting to look our best. Whether we are striving to create a self, a relationship, or a life, we need to have some solid ideas about what we want that to look like.

Form gives us a place to begin. But for many of us, form has been a substitute for substance. We may have focused on form to compensate for feeling afraid or feeling inferior. We may have focused on form because we didn’t know how to focus on substance.

Form is the outline: substance is what fills it in. We fell in the outline of ourselves by being authentic: we fill in the outline of our life by showing up for life and participating to the best of our ability.

Now, in recovery, we’re learning to pay attention to how things work and feel, not just to what they look like.
Today, I can focus on substance in my life. I will concentrate on the substance of my relationships, rather than what they look like. I will focus on the real workings of my life, instead of the trappings.

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling

October 25, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

This Is How You Know You’re In An Abusive Relationship

Original article by Jill Cory October 16, 2016 5:27 AM

You would know if you were in an abusive relationship, right? It would be obvious. Well, maybe not. Most women who experience abuse from a male partner spend months or even years thinking the relationship problem is something other than abuse. relationship counseling, marriage counseling, relationship therapy, premarital counseling It’s a “communication issue” or “a failure to set boundaries.” Maybe you’ve thought your partner has a bad temper or a problem with anger management. Perhaps you think that you are doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with you. In our society, we aren’t very good at talking about abuse, so women are often left wondering.

A common myth is that abuse means only physical abuse. But, actually, there are many different types of abuse, including emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual abuse. These can be just as damaging as physical abuse. For example, abusive partners can attempt to isolate you or cut you off from sources of support, use sarcasm or threats to put you down, change moods to intimidate you, express jealousy, and become emotionally distant.

They can also refuse to allow you to practice your faith, devalue your knowledge or education, control the finances, or threaten to have an affair if you don’t do what they ask. These and many other examples are not generally thought of as abuse. You may know there is something “wrong” but may not label it as abuse. Here’s a list of seven things that abusive partners often do in their relationships. Ask yourself if your partner does any of these things:

Takes away your freedom to choose what you want or need

Abusive partners are controlling and often do not allow their significant others to make choices for themselves. You may find yourself unable to ask for what you need or want without your partner becoming aggressive, angry, or reactive.

Demeans you

Abusers are very critical. Everything—your ideas, your beliefs, your body, even your feelings—are “stupid” or wrong. You may find that you second-guess yourself—what to wear, what to prepare for a meal, who you can be friends with—because you are worried about your partner’s reaction.

Is unpredictable and volatile

While abusers can behave in acceptable or even positive ways some of the time, they are also unpredictable and even explosive in their behavior. This leaves women feeling like they are “walking on eggshells” because they are not sure what their partners will do next. If this is happening for you, you may find yourself exhausted and confused as you try to anticipate your partner’s next move.

Blames you or others for their abusive behavior

Abusers rarely take responsibility for their behavior. Rather, it is everyone else’s fault. The boss is causing him stress. The kids are making noise. You are “pushing his buttons.” The abuse is not your fault, but he may leave you feeling like it is.

Uses the “silent treatment” to punish or frighten you

Abused partners find that they are punished in many ways when they do things that their partner does not like. The “silent treatment” is just one such punishment. The “silent treatment” can be terrifying for women because they do not know what will happen next.

Limits your access to money

Abusive partners are often very controlling when it comes to money. Since we need money to do just about anything, it is a powerful way to control someone. If your partner controls your access to money or other necessary resources such as a car, the computer, or the phone, you are being abused.

Apologizes for their behavior and promises to change but never does

Part of the pattern of abusive behavior includes periods of behavior that appears positive—times when he might seem caring and helpful. During these “honeymoon periods,” he might even apologize for hurtful behavior and promise to change. But abuse is cyclical, and although he might promise to change or appear to be changing for a while, he will not be able to sustain it. His behavior will deteriorate again, and he will revert to controlling, frightening, or explosive behavior.

If you have experienced some of these behaviors from a current or past partner, you have likely experienced abuse. That is a hard reality to face. If you are with your partner, it may be hard to think of them as abusive. Your partner might not fit the stereotype of an abuser any more than you fit the stereotype of an “abused partner,” but that doesn’t matter. People who experience abuse come from all economic, racial, religious, and ethnic backgrounds. Abuse is not just reserved for the poor or weak—it can happen to anyone.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, find someone to talk to that you can trust, to help you with the next steps of how to deal with this. Processing your feelings and the situation may lead to making changes or helping someone else make them. Therapy can help. The important thing is to share it and not deal with it alone.

Filed Under: anger management, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling

October 25, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

What It’s Really Like To Break Up With A Narcissist

Original article by Sally Phillips October 16, 2016 5:27 AM

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, everything is about him(or her—but for this article we’ll use “him” as an inclusive pronoun). It’s confusing and exhausting. One day you get it together to leave. You’re finally ready to take the steps required to make your life and energy revolve around you and your needs again. Hooray!

what-its-really-like-to-break-up-with-a-narcissist-1 While this is an exciting time, and you are to be congratulated on moving in a positive direction, you also need to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for the adjustment period right after your breakup, which is likely to present some challenges.

All breakups are difficult, but this type is often the hardest. You feel up, then down, over and over—it’s as much of a roller coaster as your relationship itself. Understanding the patterns you are likely to encounter can really help during the early months after a breakup with an emotionally manipulative person. Here’s a list of 10 common patterns plus ways to cope with each one:

Obsessing

Trying to have a relationship with a narcissist is nearly impossible, so you spent a lot of time analyzing his behavior and character to try and make sense of the curve balls he kept throwing you. After you leave your abusive relationship, this habitual pattern of analysis will continue until you force it to stop.

What works for me:

Whenever thoughts about what’s wrong with my ex arise, I remind myself that I am no longer concerned with him and force my mind to think about something else. I do this again and again. Most experts say it takes three months to change a habit.

Rationalizing

This is another one you will have practiced a lot. To get through all those dysfunctional trials with your narcissist, you had to make excuses for his behavior, minimize his abuse, reinterpret his lies, and tiptoe around his self-delusions, in order to keep the peace and justify staying with him. When you miss him now—and you will—you’re going to start rationalizing again, thinking, “Oh, he’s not so bad.”

What works for me:

I don’t call or text and maintain zero contact. There’s a reason this advice is given by all the experts. I’ll explain that further at the end of this list.

Feeling anxious

This is another familiar feeling. Your narcissist kept you on edge for months or years and your nervous system is still firing along those lines. Leaving may also be feeding into new stresses or fears, making your anxiety even worse. On top of all that, sex has stopped, so you don’t have the dopamine that was helping keep your head above water.

What works for me:

Long, slow deep breathing, yoga, dancing, swimming, and other types of exercise. Do something every day, every time you need it.

Feeling blah

With narcissists, a relationship is always about power. They have it; you don’t. You scurry around trying to normalize everything, but you never succeed because they want to keep you scurrying, so they can jerk your chain whenever they feel like it. This sounds really unpleasant, and it was, but it did fill the time. Now that no one is doing that, there’s a big, empty void in your days. Life just isn’t as exciting anymore.

What works for me:

I keep trying new interests, activities, and friends, and a lot of them are paying off. When I do stay home, I meditate to calm my mind. I know I don’t need to always look outside for fulfillment; it can be found within.

Shame

Now that you can clearly see your ex for the narcissist he was and recognize how unhealthy those patterns you participated in for all those years were, you probably feel ashamed that you let the wool be pulled over your eyes for so long. How could you be so naïve, stupid, and gullible? You may especially feel ashamed when you are with family or friends who were tuned in long before you were.

What works for me:

I give myself a pass. Narcissists are experts at seduction, and I’m only human. If you are like me, you have some codependent and self-esteem issues you’ll need to examine when you’re in a better place, but for now, just forgive yourself. Know that your innocence is a good thing. It means you have an open and trusting heart—something your narcissist will never have.

Self-doubt:

Since one of the narcissist’s strategies is to put others down to elevate himself, it’s unlikely you ever heard any compliments, support, or appreciation once the seduction phase wore off. You may have suffered verbal abuse as well. Narcissists want you to stay insecure, so feeling sure of yourself is foreign territory for you right now. Your trust in your own judgment is pretty messed up too. Where to begin?

What works for me:

There are therapists, self-help programs, and groups that can help you focus on self-love, which is what you need to practice in order to restore your self-esteem. I meet weekly with a group of people working on the same type of personal growth I’m interested in.

Sexual frustration

Research shows that many dysfunctional relationships rely on sex because intimacy and emotional fulfillment aren’t available. Narcissists especially like to use sex as a power tool because they are junkies for desire; they need to be wanted. The way they maintain your desire is by doling out sexual “affection” according their own power-driven agenda. But if your relationship was hot, you’re still going to want him sexually; it’s just a fact.

Jealousy

Most narcissists replace their exes within weeks—if not days—of breaking up, often from a stable they’ve kept full throughout your relationship. Remember, they must have a source of energy to feed on at all times. They always make sure their supply is secure. Since they don’t have real emotions like the rest of us, you are an arrangement that ceased to be convenient when you stopped accepting abuse. Whomever they trap next will simply be a better business deal. My ex actually ran his prospects by me during our last encounter, as if he were looking for the best credit card deal.

What works for me:

When I feel jealousy, I remind myself that those poor women are getting set up the way I was and are sure to suffer in the long run, which converts my jealousy into compassion for them.

Regret

If you stayed with your narcissist for any length of time, you may be looking back and wondering why you wasted so much time on him. And if you racked up a bunch of debt for him or had his kids, you’ve got a lot more than wasted time on your plate. But the important thing is that you made it out.

What works for me:

I try to stop looking back and keep my sights set on what I am creating for my future. As any wise elder will tell you, it’s impossible to get through a human life without any regrets. On the other hand, your narcissist is probably regret-free. Sound enviable? It’s not. It’s inhuman.

Grief

Everything I’ve written in this article will not relieve your aching heart, but it will change behaviors and put new dynamics in motion to help you avoid backsliding. The healing of the human heart is a long and tender process known as grieving, which comes and goes, sometimes for years.

What works for me:

I take time to honor my grief by going beneath my anger and finding the sadness. As I comfort myself, I acknowledge the process of welcoming myself back home. I feel grateful for the emotions I had to keep bottled up for years—even the difficult ones. They can now bubble up because I’m finally with someone who loves and accepts all of me—myself!

So, why is zero contact the only way to go?

My own final encounter with my ex showed me exactly why this mandate is so important for these types of breakups.

Suffering with many of the feelings listed above, I convinced myself that I missed my narcissist as a friend. I actually believed that if we could convert our relationship to a friendship, all would be well, so I sent him a text and he came over.

When he started in with his usual self-absorbed, entitled routines, I wasn’t surprised; I had seen them a million times. What did shock me, however, was how easily I flipped right back into scurrying around, fetching him this and that, tiptoeing, soft-pedaling, rationalizing, even lying … you name it, I did it. Within the first hour, I lost all the gains I thought I had secured over the months since our breakup.

My self-respect, inner knowing, integrity, power, and boundaries all flew out the window in the face of his allure. I almost fell for his sexual seduction, but, somehow, I repeatedly said no until he finally left.

As soon as he was out the door, I started hating him. I remember this pattern from when we were “together.” I only felt drawn to him when we were in each other’s presence; as soon as he was gone, I would start to doubt and despise the whole thing and my role in it (that was my gut speaking to me, of course). After this last encounter, it took me an entire week to shake off his slime and begin feeling like myself again.

As you can see, preparing yourself with ways to get through your low moments is totally worth it. You don’t need to set yourself back like I did. Just keep on truckin’ ahead, and eventually you will re-become the person you were before you ever fell into the narcissist’s trap. Only you’ll be wiser, stronger, and better for having conquered it.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

October 11, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Five Quick and Efficient Tips for Managing Anger

Before you let anger get the best of you, when you feel anger beginning to escalate, visualize a stop sign similar to one you would see on the street while driving. Take some deep breaths and imaging exhaling the anger out of your body to gain immediate control or yourself. Thought-stopping can short-circuit anger. The less angry you are, the less angry you will become.
Get beneath the anger. Anger is often a secondary emotion to the primary feelings of hurt, fear, or shame. Get to the source of your anger and put it into constructive action. (A therapist can help)
Become an expert in detecting the early warning signs of anger. Stress, lack of sleep, hunger, loneliness, too much stimulation, multi-tasking, lack of affection- all can trigger anger. Track your signs and develop a proactive plan for self-care to prevent the build-up.
Take responsibility for your own anger regardless of what your partner does. As long as you are blaming, you are stuck in anger.
Get support. If your anger feels out of control or like it’s getting the best of you or your relationship, get help. Coaches, therapists, and spiritual leaders can be of great assistance in freeing you from this powerful emotion.

Filed Under: anger management, areas of practice, relationship counseling

May 24, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Growing Apart is tearing us Apart

Few Couples grow apart intentionally or consciously. In most cases, it sneaks up on you like a thief in the night. Growing apart could easily be the greatest threat to relationships today.

Work obligations extend into personal hours. Commuting takes time away. Children/family commitments absorb all the time you have if you let them. areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling Add in time for religious activities, home repair, not to mention keeping up with the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill-paying, personal hygiene, shopping and the list goes on….not to mention sleep, recreation, hobbies. Carving out time for the two of you can feel like one more obligation to fulfill.

In some ways, it’s easier to ignore a good relationship because it doesn’t demand your attention. Unless someone is complaining, it’s easy to take each other for granted. In the process of being responsible you become irresponsible to the relationship.

Partners grow apart by: following their individual interests. Boredom, having no effective way of managing differences and through lack of connection.

Here are some common reasons why a person might choose not to connect.

Lack of feeling able to talk and be heard. I can’t talk to you because our conversations always end in a fight. You interrupt, correct, criticize and always have to be right. I’ve given up.
Lack of affection. I can’t even remember the last time you showed me any physical affection. When I reach out to you, I get the cold shoulder or I’m accused of only wanting sex.
Attention to Needs: How can you expect me to be sensitive to your needs when you have ignored mine over and over again?
You’ve taken away the one activity that used to make us feel the most connected.
Lack of fun. You won’t join me in my idea of fun, and yet you don’t have suggestions for other things to do. You also don’t see how much I have to do before I can have fun and you don’t help me.
Joint Projects. I know you have a “to-do” list for me, and if you were running my life I would spend all my spare time completing tasks. While I think some of this is important (mainly because you like it), that’s not how I want to spend my spare time.

Transform Growing Apart

Growing apart can change. The way to fix this, can be fun and highly rewarding.

areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling Think of reconnecting the same way you save money: pay yourself first. Carve out time for your relationship and spent that time together even if it means cheating other aspects of your life. Put a date night on the calendar and attach a serious penalty for breaking it. Don’t wait until you have time for each other: take time for each other and make other things wait!

Make a list of activities you do together that leave you in a better place with one another. If you don’t know of any, make it a goal to discover the activities as a team.
Get interested in each other’s interests.
Affection can go a long way towards reconnecting. Make a move.
Focus on solutions instead of problems. Brainstorm ways to get reconnected again.
Learn something new together.
Make goals for your relationship and work on fulfilling them together.

If the two of you have grown apart to the point of being strangers, you may have to fight your way back – and one of you may have to carry the burden alone for a while. It’s very powerful when even one person becomes energized on behalf of the relationship, especially in the face of opposition or apathy from the other partner.

Be willing to make a drastic change in your lifestyle for the sake of your relationship. Many couples become trapped in the life they have created.

Have compassion, show care and remember that love is an action, not just a feeling. If you still love each other, make your behavior and commitment to the relationship be a reflection of that love.

***From “You’re Tearing Us Apart- Twenty Ways We Wreck Our Relationships and Strategies to Repair Them” by Pat love, Eva Berlander and Kathleen McFadden and paraphrased by Denise O’Doherty.

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling

May 12, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

The Purpose Behind Controlling Behavior

Communication and negotiation are two main factors in a good relationship. This looks like two adults bringing their best to each other with mutual respect and consideration. No one wants to be controlled or bullied in a relationship. This article by Pat Love from her book “You’re Tearing Us Apart” makes us understand what is behind a “controller” and what to do about it.

“Your Controlling Behavior Is Tearing Us Apart”

“I feel like I’m living in a vice. I can’t move right or left, forward or backward, without you getting upset or somehow correcting me. I’ve avoided this subject for a long time because I don’t want your anger, your criticism, or your silent treatment, but I’m worn out and worried that it’s getting worse.

Living with you is not fun anymore: in fact it’s like walking on eggshells. I find myself giving up more and more of my life because of your “my way or the highway” attitude.

You don’t trust me or how I do things. Or maybe you just think I’m stupid. You act like your opinion is always the right one and none doesn’t matter. I’ve given up so many things that are important to me just to keep peace with you – but it’s never enough.

If this sound like an exaggeration, please think about it. Think about how many of my friends and family you don’t like and don’t want me spending to me with: how many of my activities I’ve cut short or cut out because you don’t approve. And you always seem to be upset when I have fun without you.

I know you are smart. I know you have good ideas, and most of the time I know you love me, but your need to control my behavior is suffocating me and snuffing the life out of our relationship.

_{The Purpose Behind Controlling Behavior}

The most common reason why we try to control another person’s behavior is to manage our own anxiety or insecurity. We feel safer and less vulnerable when everything happens as expected. This fact easily goes unnoticed because it’s largely unconscious. What others see as controlling is often seen as doing the right thing to the person in control, or at least doing it in a better way.

Those blamed for being controlling are often confused by this accusation. They see what they believe to be the best course of action and are incredulous when others don’t see it the same way. Motivated by the desire to help, partners who are controlling come on strong with suggestions and work hard to gain compliance.

couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling Controlling behavior also can be compensation for a time or situation when the partner had no control such as growing up, a stressful job, or a former relationship. Living without personal control can increase the motivation to seize control whenever possible.

The most severe forms of control are motivated by emotional dysregulation, which is the inability to manage our own feelings. In an attempt to avoid the fear of abandonment or the shame of inadequacy, the controlling partner resorts to extreme emotions such as anger, rage, threats, and even emotional or physical abuse.

The primary difference in modern twenty-first century couples and those in the past is the level of equality, equity, freedom and autonomy. Relationships thrive when each individual has the liberty to develop and grow as a person and a partner. This evolving process generates energy that keeps both partners interested and excited about a future together.

When one partner tries to control or limit the other’s choices, excitement is replaced by resentment, which is the number one cause of growing apart, and growing apart is cited as the most common reason for divorce and separation.

Once resentment enters a relationship, excitement fades, passion wanes, and anger is never far behind. Good feelings and effective communication go out the window, while criticism, defensiveness, and withdrawal seep in. When negative exchanges begin to outweigh the positives, the relationship is in serious trouble of tearing apart.

Transforming Controlling Behavior

Sometimes controlling behavior is simply a habit. The best way to break a habit is to form a new one. Developing a “no advice” policy might be just the right approach to replace the old pattern.

couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling As soon as you catch yourself trying to control your partner, stop and apologize: ”There, I did it again, I’m sorry”. It’s also a good idea to tell them what you are sorry for so they know you “got it”.
Apology goes a long way if you are sincere.

Instead of directing, or trying to influence your partner to what you want, simply say “oh” (to de-escalate you and show a noncommittal neutral stance) or “tell me more about how you think about that”. You might discover a great deal of wisdom in your partner’s perspective- especially if you’re more willing to be loving than to be right.

Most controlling behavior is fueled by anxiety or fear: therefore, you must learn to manage those feeling within yourself instead of trying to manage your partner’s behavior. Emotional regulation gives you control of what happens in your mind and your own behavior. Trying to control your partner’s life will wear you out and tear down your relationships. If the old pattern of controlling starts up, call a time-out. You can’t have an argument over control when one person refuses to participate.

If you’re the partner feeling controlled, then it’s your responsibility to speak up! Silence enables the behavior to continue. You might be more aware of the controlling behavior that your partner. Work together to agree upon a kind way to signal when the pattern re-emerges. Develop a redirect strategy to replace the old habits For example: when I life my hand in the stop position, I’d like you to be quiet and let me finish what I am doing.”

If you do not feel safe or competent to talk with your partner about the issue of control, take this as a sign to seek professional help.

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling