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Negative thinking can be catastrophic to one’s mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. It can also ruin marital happiness.

We can choose to think about positive things or we can dwell on the negative. Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable are things worth thinking about. Look for the blessing in the midst of the burdens so that you can look at the burden in a new light. Negative-thinking people do the opposite: they find the smallest burden in the midst of any blessing and wring any possible joy out of life by saying that since life is less than perfect, life really stinks.

Joseph Sizoo, a well-known preacher in the early half of the twentieth century, calls people out on this: “Take it in the matter of health. Many there are who carry about frail bodies. Much of the day is spent in struggling against physical weakness. They emphasize what they have not, rather than the measure of health they still enjoy. In so doing they only increase their own misery and that of others. Live with the health that you still have.”

Negative thinking can also be financial. Writing shortly after the great depression, Sizoo said, “For multitudes the savings of a lifetime have been swept away. All that they have worked for in the years gone by has suddenly turned to ashes. But the pity of it is that they are forever rehearsing their adversity and reminding the world of what they no longer have. They seemingly forget that many things are still left to us: the sun still rises at its appointed time; the tides of the sea still run in ebb and flow; there is still brilliance in the stars, blue in the sky and color in the rose. Live by what you have, rather than by what you do not have.”“Live by what you have, rather than by what you do not have.” That wouldn’t be such a bad motto for life, would it?

No life is perfect. No life is even all that easy. Yes, some lives are easier than others, but choosing to dwell on the negative, obsess over the negative, wanting everyone to know just how hard it is for you or choosing to be a victim takes the joy out of life. It can also tear a marriage down.

Many people don’t want to hear this. But ask yourself, “How has my negativity served me, my family, and my friends in the previous years?” Has it made you feel better? Has it lessened your pain? Has it led to greater intimacy with others, or has it made your friends and loved ones want to leave you alone more often?

People want to enjoy life with you. They may not like the challenges or hard times that have happened to you (be it financial, relational, or physical), but they also want to enjoy you and the time you do have together. They want to enjoy the opportunities, possibilities and good times that you both have left. It might, indeed, hurt to smile sometimes but constant negativity may be hurting those around you and yourself more than you could possibly know. No life is easy. Every life is hard. Maybe yours seems particularly hard, but negative thinking will only take a tough life and make it worse. Consider the alternative to negative thinking. Respect yourself and those around you. Use your coping skills to deal with your problems and be grateful for everything else. Some days may seem long, but the years are short. Make the most of what you do have and look for the silver lining. You will feel better and have more energy to enjoy the beauty and good that is all around you.

Original article by Sally Phillips October 16, 2016 5:27 AM

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, everything is about him(or her—but for this article we’ll use “him” as an inclusive pronoun). It’s confusing and exhausting. One day you get it together to leave. You’re finally ready to take the steps required to make your life and energy revolve around you and your needs again. Hooray!

While this is an exciting time, and you are to be congratulated on moving in a positive direction, you also need to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for the adjustment period right after your breakup, which is likely to present some challenges.

All breakups are difficult, but this type is often the hardest. You feel up, then down, over and over—it’s as much of a roller coaster as your relationship itself. Understanding the patterns you are likely to encounter can really help during the early months after a breakup with an emotionally manipulative person. Here’s a list of 10 common patterns plus ways to cope with each one:

1. Obsessing

Trying to have a relationship with a narcissist is nearly impossible, so you spent a lot of time analyzing his behavior and character to try and make sense of the curve balls he kept throwing you. After you leave your abusive relationship, this habitual pattern of analysis will continue until you force it to stop.

What works for me:

Whenever thoughts about what’s wrong with my ex arise, I remind myself that I am no longer concerned with him and force my mind to think about something else. I do this again and again. Most experts say it takes three months to change a habit.

2. Rationalizing

This is another one you will have practiced a lot. To get through all those dysfunctional trials with your narcissist, you had to make excuses for his behavior, minimize his abuse, reinterpret his lies, and tiptoe around his self-delusions, in order to keep the peace and justify staying with him. When you miss him now—and you will—you’re going to start rationalizing again, thinking, “Oh, he’s not so bad.”

What works for me:

I don’t call or text and maintain zero contact. There’s a reason this advice is given by all the experts. I’ll explain that further at the end of this list.

3. Feeling anxious

This is another familiar feeling. Your narcissist kept you on edge for months or years and your nervous system is still firing along those lines. Leaving may also be feeding into new stresses or fears, making your anxiety even worse. On top of all that, sex has stopped, so you don’t have the dopamine that was helping keep your head above water.

What works for me:

Long, slow deep breathing, yoga, dancing, swimming, and other types of exercise. Do something every day, every time you need it.

4. Feeling blah

With narcissists, a relationship is always about power. They have it; you don’t. You scurry around trying to normalize everything, but you never succeed because they want to keep you scurrying, so they can jerk your chain whenever they feel like it. This sounds really unpleasant, and it was, but it did fill the time. Now that no one is doing that, there’s a big, empty void in your days. Life just isn’t as exciting anymore.

What works for me:

I keep trying new interests, activities, and friends, and a lot of them are paying off. When I do stay home, I meditate to calm my mind. I know I don’t need to always look outside for fulfillment; it can be found within.

5. Shame

Now that you can clearly see your ex for the narcissist he was and recognize how unhealthy those patterns you participated in for all those years were, you probably feel ashamed that you let the wool be pulled over your eyes for so long. How could you be so naïve, stupid, and gullible? You may especially feel ashamed when you are with family or friends who were tuned in long before you were.

What works for me:

I give myself a pass. Narcissists are experts at seduction, and I’m only human. If you are like me, you have some codependent and self-esteem issues you’ll need to examine when you’re in a better place, but for now, just forgive yourself. Know that your innocence is a good thing. It means you have an open and trusting heart—something your narcissist will never have.

6. Self-doubt:

Since one of the narcissist’s strategies is to put others down to elevate himself, it’s unlikely you ever heard any compliments, support, or appreciation once the seduction phase wore off. You may have suffered verbal abuse as well. Narcissists want you to stay insecure, so feeling sure of yourself is foreign territory for you right now. Your trust in your own judgment is pretty messed up too. Where to begin?

What works for me:

There are therapists, self-help programs, and groups that can help you focus on self-love, which is what you need to practice in order to restore your self-esteem. I meet weekly with a group of people working on the same type of personal growth I’m interested in.

7. Sexual frustration

Research shows that many dysfunctional relationships rely on sex because intimacy and emotional fulfillment aren’t available. Narcissists especially like to use sex as a power tool because they are junkies for desire; they need to be wanted. The way they maintain your desire is by doling out sexual “affection” according their own power-driven agenda. But if your relationship was hot, you’re still going to want him sexually; it’s just a fact.

8. Jealousy

Most narcissists replace their exes within weeks—if not days—of breaking up, often from a stable they’ve kept full throughout your relationship. Remember, they must have a source of energy to feed on at all times. They always make sure their supply is secure. Since they don’t have real emotions like the rest of us, you are an arrangement that ceased to be convenient when you stopped accepting abuse. Whomever they trap next will simply be a better business deal. My ex actually ran his prospects by me during our last encounter, as if he were looking for the best credit card deal.

What works for me:

When I feel jealousy, I remind myself that those poor women are getting set up the way I was and are sure to suffer in the long run, which converts my jealousy into compassion for them.

9. Regret

If you stayed with your narcissist for any length of time, you may be looking back and wondering why you wasted so much time on him. And if you racked up a bunch of debt for him or had his kids, you’ve got a lot more than wasted time on your plate. But the important thing is that you made it out.

What works for me:

I try to stop looking back and keep my sights set on what I am creating for my future. As any wise elder will tell you, it’s impossible to get through a human life without any regrets. On the other hand, your narcissist is probably regret-free. Sound enviable? It’s not. It’s inhuman.

10. Grief

Everything I’ve written in this article will not relieve your aching heart, but it will change behaviors and put new dynamics in motion to help you avoid backsliding. The healing of the human heart is a long and tender process known as grieving, which comes and goes, sometimes for years.

What works for me:

I take time to honor my grief by going beneath my anger and finding the sadness. As I comfort myself, I acknowledge the process of welcoming myself back home. I feel grateful for the emotions I had to keep bottled up for years—even the difficult ones. They can now bubble up because I’m finally with someone who loves and accepts all of me—myself!

So, why is zero contact the only way to go?

My own final encounter with my ex showed me exactly why this mandate is so important for these types of breakups.

Suffering with many of the feelings listed above, I convinced myself that I missed my narcissist as a friend. I actually believed that if we could convert our relationship to a friendship, all would be well, so I sent him a text and he came over.

When he started in with his usual self-absorbed, entitled routines, I wasn’t surprised; I had seen them a million times. What did shock me, however, was how easily I flipped right back into scurrying around, fetching him this and that, tiptoeing, soft-pedaling, rationalizing, even lying … you name it, I did it. Within the first hour, I lost all the gains I thought I had secured over the months since our breakup.

My self-respect, inner knowing, integrity, power, and boundaries all flew out the window in the face of his allure. I almost fell for his sexual seduction, but, somehow, I repeatedly said no until he finally left.

As soon as he was out the door, I started hating him. I remember this pattern from when we were “together.” I only felt drawn to him when we were in each other’s presence; as soon as he was gone, I would start to doubt and despise the whole thing and my role in it (that was my gut speaking to me, of course). After this last encounter, it took me an entire week to shake off his slime and begin feeling like myself again.

As you can see, preparing yourself with ways to get through your low moments is totally worth it. You don’t need to set yourself back like I did. Just keep on truckin’ ahead, and eventually you will re-become the person you were before you ever fell into the narcissist’s trap. Only you’ll be wiser, stronger, and better for having conquered it.

 

 

 

As a drug and alcohol counselor, I have always known that sugar triggers receptors similar to cocaine, heroine and other recreational drugs. Some clients in therapy tell me they are addicted to sugar. This informative and interesting article, validates how high amounts of sugar can be addictive and detrimental. I want to add that alcohol turns to sugar once absorbed in the blood system. Stay healthy for the holidays and keep in mind the effects of alcohol and sugar!

The Effect of Sugar on the Brain

Not only does sugar trigger a hormonal response in the body with the release of insulin, but it also has a significant effect on the brain.  As soon as sugar enters the mouth, a message is sent to the brain which activates the reward centers.  This then releases dopamine which results in a temporary state of perceived happiness or a “high”.  This biological response convinces our brain and body that we need more in order to experience that “high” again.

Due to this rewarding response in the brain, sugar can be quite addictive.  Scientists have compared the brains response to cocaine, heroine, nicotine and alcohol and sugar consumption and although the effects from sugar weren’t as extreme as these toxic substances, they found surprisingly similar results. They found that the same areas of the brain are activated for all of these substances.

A study in Neurology found that a diet that is high in sugar or other simple carbohydrates can be detrimental to the function and structure of the brain.  They found that higher glucose consumption led to decreased memory.  This higher glucose consumption can also lead to diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure and liver damage.

All-natural sugars like coconut sugar, agave and honey that have often been considered to be healthier options, but these substances actually contain almost as much glucose as refined table sugar.  In addition, there are hidden sugars in many foods that we may not be aware of – such as ketchup, yogurt, flavored beverages and even naturally-sweetened foods found at a health food store.  Many foods do not list “sugar” as an ingredient on the label but do list a derivation of the word such as: sucrose, fructose, dextrose, starch, fruit juice, corn syrup or high fructose corn syrup.

To preserve your brain’s function and structure, and your body’s overall health, do yourself a favor and limit your sugar consumption to less than 25 grams of sugar per day (as recommended by the World Health Organization).  To give you some perspective of that 25 grams (or 6 teaspoons) of sugar is, consider a can of soda which is about 39 grams of sugar while an apple which contains about 19 grams.

Courtesy of http://www.myvitawellness.com