Denise O’Doherty

Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Drug and Alcohol Counselor, Registered Nurse

Denise O'Doherty

Denise O’Doherty, LPC, MSN, LMFT, RN, a native New Yorker, is a psychotherapist, Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist and Registered Nurse. In addition to her 25-year, full-time private practice in Houston, Texas, she is an educator, lecturer and author. Denise presents regularly to professional, corporate and civic organizations on personal development and transgender education. She has been a Clinical Instructor for the University of Texas at Houston School of Nursing. Her warm and engaging style provides enlightenment, clarity and insight. She inspires confidence while helping others seek positive change. Denise specializes in Gender Identity Issues, Marriage and Family Therapy, Relationship Counseling, Pre-Marital Counseling, Addiction, Recovery and Codependency.

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Managing Holiday Stress – 5 Quick Tips to go from Stressful to Joyful

  1. Get clear on what you want and what’s important to you. See who you want, travel if it’s right for you, act out of peace and love instead of obligation.
  2. Set boundaries if you need to. Decline invitations that drain you. Avoid toxic people, see people another time of year if that would work better for you.
  3. Keep eating, drinking and spending in perspective. Don’t make choices that hurt you in the long run. Focus on acts of kindness and meaningful experiences with others, rather than exclusive material exchanges.
  4. Keep your daily routine. Don’t give up exercise, meal planning, sleeping, meditation or time outdoors for shopping or doing things that don’t support you. Taking care of you is the best thing you can do for those you love and who love you.
  5. Be grateful. Show it by celebrating in ways that have meaning to you. This could mean doing things with friends, family or just being alone.

Remind yourself what you are grateful for and turn off screens earlier at night! Work through any resentment, loss or anger that you know you have so you don’t bring it with you to the new year.

All the above builds resistance to stress. Be true to yourself.

Enjoy your holidays!!!

Filed Under: self esteem
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How to Decrease Defensiveness and Create Effective, Essential Communication

couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counselingNot being “heard” by a partner is frustrating. No one wants to feel insignificant, invisible, overlooked or taken for granted. The common response when one feels they are not being listened to, is either to fight harder to get their partner’s attention, or retreat or withdraw often leading to depression.

Often a client says they feel they can’t express themselves in the relationship because when they try to talk, their partner becomes defensive meaning they only see and defend their side and their experience, often claiming they are “right”, without even hearing the initial partners complaint.

Therefore, I am sharing with you a fail-proof system of communicating, that eliminates both getting defensive, and eliminates triggering someone else from getting defensive. It is fail-proof when done correctly and I see tremendous changes in couples when we do this in therapy.

Here is information for you to understand and use the process.  I would love to hear how it works for you. May you have significant and powerful results. Enjoy!

 

Effective communication is essential to a good relationship. Good communication skills may not solve problems or resolve issues, but no problems can be solved, or issues resolved without them. We may communicate well or poorly, but we cannot NOT communicate.

One of the most effective forms of communication between persons in a committed love relationship is the INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE. It consists of three processes called mirroring, validation and empathy.

Mirroring is the process of accurately reflecting back, the content of a message from one partner. The most common form of mirroring is paraphrasing. A “paraphrase” is a statement in your own words of what the message your partner sent means to you. It indicates that you are willing to transcend your own thoughts and feelings for the moment and attempt to understand your partner from their point of view. Any response made prior to mirroring is often an “interpretation” and may contain a misunderstanding. Mirroring allows your partner to send their message again and permits you to paraphrase until you do understand.

Validation is a communication to the sending partner that the information being received and mirrored makes sense. It indicates that you can see the information from your partner’s point of view and can accept that it has validity- It is true for the partner. Validation is a temporary suspension or transcendence of your point of view that allows your partner’s experience to have its own reality. Typical validating phrases are: “I can see that…l”, “It makes sense to me that you would thing that”, “I can understand that …”, Such phrases convey to your partner that their subjective experience is not crazy, that it has it’s own logic, and that it is a valid way  of looking at things. To validate your partner’s message does not mean that you agree with his/ her point of view or that it reflects your subjective experience. It merely recognizes the fact that in every situation, no “objective” view is possible. In many communication between two persons, there are always two points of view, and every report of any experience is an “interpretation” which is the “truth” for each person. The process of mirroring and validation affirms the other person and increases trust and closeness.

Empathy is the process of reflecting or imagining the feeling the sending partner is experiencing about the event or the situation being reported. This deep level of communication attempts to recognize, reach into and on some level, experience the emotions of the sending partner.

Empathy allows both partners to transcend, perhaps for a moment, their separateness and to experience a genuine “meeting.” Such an experience has remarkable healing power. Typical phrases for empathic communication include: “and I can imagine that you must feel…”, and when you experience that, I hear….and that makes sense to me.”

A complete dialogue transaction may then sound as follows: “So, I understand you to be saying that if I don’t look at you when you are talking to me, you think that I am interested in what you are saying. I can understand that, it makes sense to me, and I can imagine that you would feel rejected and angry. That must be a terrible feeling.”

The reciprocal exchange of this process is the INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE.

Filed Under: Marriage Counseling, couples counseling, couples therapy, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
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Self Care and Relationships

anger management, couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counselingSelf-care, it turns out, takes a lot more effort and energy than just getting a mani/pedi, going to a new restaurant or getting a massage. It means truly accepting accountability for your physical, mental, and emotional well-being, and making decisions that support it. Self-care asks us to establish boundaries and practice (at least some) discipline so that we give ourselves the best chance at happiness. It requires us to tune in and get to know our thought patterns, desires, triggers, and fundamental needs so that we can properly anticipate and manage them. Self-care is the very definition of adulting. It puts the ball in our court and empowers us to go get what we need to feel whole instead of expecting anyone else to guess what it is and magically deliver it on a silver platter.

This certainly does not mean we can’t ask for help or that we shouldn’t look for support from people in our lives. It’s only a problem if/when we start believing our own sense of worth, fulfillment, and happiness rests solely on their shoulders. When we expect others to take care of our core needs, we become the victims who need to be rescued and set our relationships up for failure. Solid, healthy, mutually beneficial friendships and marriages are formed when two whole people choose to be together to support and elevate one another… not fix or “complete” each other.

Will Smith does a great job talking about this in this brief Facebook video – check it out!
What can you do today to take action and find solutions to your problems and feel like you are creating a life you love? What can you do today to connect you to your true passions and get more of a sense of who you are?

How many times have you justified spending money on a new phone or outfit or fun activity but decided that it didn’t make you happy? Are you putting off talking to a therapist or seeing an acupuncturist to help with more substantial problems because was just too expensive? How many times have you prioritized work over rest or decided against getting help because you’ve felt you should be able to do it all yourself? And how many times have you experienced a pang of resentment towards someone who’s not “doing their job” taking care of your needs?

” Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” – Audre Lorde

I invite you to re-visit the concept of self-care and consider it as an act of boldness and power. When we take accountability for our own health and happiness, we take control of our lives AND give the people around us the freedom they need to be themselves and love us how they know best. When you stop expecting someone to fix your problems, you get a deeper sense of being able to ENJOY each other.

The better you are, the less you demand, and the more you receive. Taking care of yourself can improve your life as well as your relationships. Do it today!

 

Filed Under: anger management, couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
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Appreciation: The Importance Of Feeling Appreciated

Thought for the day: “A person who feels appreciated, will always do more than expected”

Let’s remember to notice and appreciate those who are there for us and those who have touched our lives in beautiful ways.

Let’s also remember the power that our attitude and positive energy have in motivating  ourselves and others.

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
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Enjoying the Present by Managing Problems

A problem doesn’t mean life is negative or horrible. All people have problems to work through.

To solve the problem, we first have to make sure the problem is ours, and not someone else’s.  If it isn’t our problem, we need to set a boundary.

Then we seek the best solution. This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, or gathering more information, taking an action or letting go.

We can face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. Avoiding and procrastinating dealing with a problem makes us more stressed. It often takes more energy to run from a problem rather than to face it. It can be a lot easier when we trust our ability to solve problems and not feel like we are so alone.

Do your best to face today’s unresolved issues and problems and do what you can. Don’t worry needlessly about tomorrow’s problems, because when they appear, we’ll have the resources necessary to solve them. We make the most of living in the present when we face and solve problems as they appear, and not worry needlessly on problems that haven’t happened.

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem counseling
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Assessing Intimacy in Your Relationship

By Denise O’Doherty, Psychotherapist

                Intimacy is a bond between two people based on trust, respect, and the ability to share deeply. You can have intimate relationships with lovers, partners, co-workers, acquaintances friends, and family members. In an intimate relationship, you experience the give and take of being real and vulnerable, as you share a connection.

When a couples come to therapy, I often ask: “What is it that keeps you together?”. Answers range from convenience, sex, money, companionship to the most frequent response, “We love each other”. The problem with this response is that love means different things to different people. Sometimes the expectations that one associates with love can add to the relationships conflicts. i.e. “If you loved me you would do this ..…or you would feel this ..…” Then, I may ask, “Do you trust each other?” Interestingly, many people emphatically say “No, we love each other but we don’t trust each other”. Trust and good communication are the two main ingredients necessary for intimacy. Therefore, love without trust is not enough. Without trust we don’t feel safe. Many people have problems with trust. If handling things alone and taking care of yourself was what you had to do as a child, it may feel unfamiliar and scary to be in a close relationship. On the other hand, come people cling to those they love, being overly jealous and unable to tolerate a healthy level of independence.

Intimacy isn’t something you can experience alone. By it’s very nature, it assumes a relationship and a relationship means risk. The other half of any relationship is a person you can’t control. But in a loving relationship, you and your partner can create intimacy with excitement, passion, good communication and trust. Rewards are great when you are willing to work together.

The following is an INTIMACY ASSESSMENT meant to be used as a guide to assess intimacy in your relationship. Think about a partner or a close friend and ask yourself the following:

  1. Do I respect this person?
  2. Does this person respect me?
  3. Is this a person with whom I can communicate with ease?”
  4. Do we work through conflicts together well?
  5. Do we both compromise?
  6. Is there give and take?
  7. Can I be honest? Can I show my real feelings?
  8. Do we both take responsibility for the relationships successes and problems?
  9. Could I talk to this person about the effects that childhood abuse or trauma is having on our relationship?
  10. Is there room for me to grow in this relationship?
  11. Am I able to reach my own goals within this relationship?
  12. Is this person supportive of the kind of changes I am trying to make?
  13. Is this person willing to help me?

Use these questions to see where your intimacy skills are strong in your relationship and where they could use attention. It’s important to assess from time to time what is working and what isn’t in your relationship. Taking time to make occasional changes for the better is a great skill that can keep spark in your relationship. It keeps it from becoming stuck or boring. Other skills that promote intimate relationships are: saying what you mean and meaning what you say, listening clearly without judgement, letting go of control of your partner, asking for what you need, being willing to negotiate and being willing to compromise.

Good relationships add fun and joy to life and give us rewards that last a lifetime. It is said that it is not about finding the right person, but about becoming the right person. With trust, communication and good intimacy skills I believe we can have both.

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
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How to Overcome Childhood Emotional Neglect

One of my clients sent this to me saying it was extremely helpful.
I found it interesting and thought some of you might like it and find it helpful as well.
It is a youtube on “Overcoming Childhood Emotional Neglect”. (About 10 minutes)

Hope your new year is going well!
Denise

When we grow up in an emotionally neglectful environment it can cause us to believe that our thoughts, feelings, and desires don’t matter. This can in turn cause us question anything we experience and struggle to trust how we feel. We can find it difficult to let people in, and constantly worry what others think about us.

Those who have suffered from emotional neglect often don’t even know it was happening, because this type of neglect isn’t something we can easily see. Many parents who were emotionally neglectful give their children every material thing they need, and from the outside look like amazing parents. But if their child needs any emotional support or encouragement from them, they are nowhere to be found.

HOW TO RECOVER:

1. Start noticing/tracking your feelings: Print out feelings charts and track them each day. It may be hard at first, so start with the easier ones (often tired, sad, and worried are easier to begin with). It’s normal for us to not know how we feel all the time, but give yourself the chance to listen to your body and acknowledge all that you may be feeling.

2. Try describing the feeling word you selected without using that exact word (ex. I am feeling energized, excited, and bubbly – when describing happy)

3. Begin noticing your needs: What are the things you need physically to survive? How about things you need emotionally? When do they come up? Take your time thinking about these, and even pretend that someone you love had those needs to. What would you think about them then?

4. Self-Care! I know I talk about this a lot, but when it comes to healing from CEN self-care is our way of nurturing and caring for ourselves. Are there things you wished your parent had done for you? Let’s make time to do those things for ourselves.

5. Accept help and support from others: It can be hard to let people in when we weren’t supported as a child, but we need other people in our lives who can help us through the tough times. Ensure these people are worth having around, and that they are trust worthy, and then slowly let them in.

6. Set healthy boundaries: This is SO IMPORTANT! It’s okay to say no! You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to, and people will understand and respect you more because of it.

Filed Under: anger management, areas of practice, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
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The Holidays and Forgiveness

The holidays are approaching and they are meant to be a time of great joy and love. You can see the beginnings of planning and anticipation wherever you go. Stores and streets are decorated. Commercials have holiday themes and people are making decisions now as to how they are going to celebrate.

To enjoy the holidays fully, some of us need to give up the blocks and resistance that prevent us from experiencing the magic and possibilities of being fully present and fully able to accept the good that is all around us. Blocks such as anger, resentment and blaming can get in our way. Most people have someone in their life who they feel has treated them wrong. They hurt our feelings, left us in a difficult situation, maybe even betrayed us. Maybe we were treated in a way that we never thought possible, or never thought possible by that particular person. But it happened.

We can never change what happened in the past. Our acceptance of their behavior can put us back in control to make decisions that are best for us. Once we face and accept the truth of what happened, we can stop struggling. We don’t have to let someone else’s poor, neglectful or abusive behavior control our happiness.  We can develop healthy boundaries, have healthy friends and avoid toxic people. Let go of people, thoughts and behaviors that don’t serve you.

It’s never OK for someone to hurt someone else. Never. Forgiveness isn’t about saying what happened is OK. Forgiveness is about letting go of the negative hold it has on you.

It’s time to grieve our losses and let go of our blocks to personal freedom. Don’t give your happiness over to someone else.

Once we fully grieve our losses, feel our pain, accept what happened and forgive, we can feel joy and love once again. Let go of blocks that prevent you from living fully and having a good time. It is our responsibility to make our life work and make it work well. Be good to yourself and by being open to the celebrations, joy, warmth and love that you see all around you. Enjoy the holidays! You can choose to make them a great time for you!

Filed Under: anger management, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
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Negative thinking

Negative thinking can be catastrophic to one’s mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. It can also ruin marital happiness.

We can choose to think about positive things or we can dwell on the negative. Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable are things worth thinking about. Look for the blessing in the midst of the burdens so that you can look at the burden in a new light. Negative-thinking people do the opposite: they find the smallest burden in the midst of any blessing and wring any possible joy out of life by saying that since life is less than perfect, life really stinks.

Joseph Sizoo, a well-known preacher in the early half of the twentieth century, calls people out on this: “Take it in the matter of health. Many there are who carry about frail bodies. Much of the day is spent in struggling against physical weakness. They emphasize what they have not, rather than the measure of health they still enjoy. In so doing they only increase their own misery and that of others. Live with the health that you still have.”

Negative thinking can also be financial. Writing shortly after the great depression, Sizoo said, “For multitudes the savings of a lifetime have been swept away. All that they have worked for in the years gone by has suddenly turned to ashes. But the pity of it is that they are forever rehearsing their adversity and reminding the world of what they no longer have. They seemingly forget that many things are still left to us: the sun still rises at its appointed time; the tides of the sea still run in ebb and flow; there is still brilliance in the stars, blue in the sky and color in the rose. Live by what you have, rather than by what you do not have.”“Live by what you have, rather than by what you do not have.” That wouldn’t be such a bad motto for life, would it?

No life is perfect. No life is even all that easy. Yes, some lives are easier than others, but choosing to dwell on the negative, obsess over the negative, wanting everyone to know just how hard it is for you or choosing to be a victim takes the joy out of life. It can also tear a marriage down.

Many people don’t want to hear this. But ask yourself, “How has my negativity served me, my family, and my friends in the previous years?” Has it made you feel better? Has it lessened your pain? Has it led to greater intimacy with others, or has it made your friends and loved ones want to leave you alone more often?

People want to enjoy life with you. They may not like the challenges or hard times that have happened to you (be it financial, relational, or physical), but they also want to enjoy you and the time you do have together. They want to enjoy the opportunities, possibilities and good times that you both have left. It might, indeed, hurt to smile sometimes but constant negativity may be hurting those around you and yourself more than you could possibly know. No life is easy. Every life is hard. Maybe yours seems particularly hard, but negative thinking will only take a tough life and make it worse. Consider the alternative to negative thinking. Respect yourself and those around you. Use your coping skills to deal with your problems and be grateful for everything else. Some days may seem long, but the years are short. Make the most of what you do have and look for the silver lining. You will feel better and have more energy to enjoy the beauty and good that is all around you.

Filed Under: Uncategorized