Marriage Counseling

Say No To Perfect Parenting

As a culture, we’re always looking for perfection. We want the perfect body. The perfect job. The perfect kids.

Sure, it would be nice if your children were always well-behaved. If they picked up after themselves. Asked and answered with a respectful “please” and “thank you.” Did their homework without being told. But perfect kids? Would you really want them if you could have them?

“When we expect perfection from our children, we rob them of important experiences and the chance to learn and grow along the way,” said Dr. Craig Pierce, president and CEO of the Southwest Family Guidance Center and Institute and author of Parenting Without Distraction: The Attunetion® Approach. “In the process, they often end up missing out when it comes to developing independence, trust and self-esteem—in other words, some of the very traits that are necessary for an emotionally healthy life.”

Nonetheless, many people believe in the myth that if you do everything “right” as a parent, you’ll raise perfect children. In truth, there’s no such person as the perfect parent, or the perfect kid. But here’s the good news: according to Dr. Pierce, you don’t need to be a perfect parent to raise healthy, well-adjusted and resilient children; you just have to be an attuned one.

“Children whose parents pay attention and tune in to their needs sense that they matter,” said Dr. Pierce. “As a result, they tend to have higher self-esteem, get along better with their peers, and adjust more easily to school than children who are not given the same level of healthy attention.”

So how do you let go of perfect parenting and tune in to what’s best for your kids? Dr. Pierce has five tips.

1. Be a positive mirror. Much of a child’s self-image comes from how others perceive him or her. This is especially true of preschoolers, who learn about themselves from their parents’ reactions. “When you give your child positive reflections about strengths, skills, and talents, he or she learns to think well of him- or herself,” commented Dr. Pierce.
2. Cheer on your child. Every child needs encouragement to believe in him- or herself and to take risks and grow. Give your child opportunities to demonstrate special skills. It may be drawing or singing, doing a summersault, or making breakfast. Whatever the skill, give your child a chance to shine.
3. Make a play date with your child. Playing with your child sends a clear message: “You are worth my time. You are a valuable person.” Play can help you learn about your child—his or her temperament and capabilities at each stage of development. “And the more interest you show in doing things with your child early on, the more interest your child is likely to have in doing things with you while growing up,” said Dr. Pierce.
4. Show trust. One of the most powerful things you can do as a parent is to let your child know you believe in his or her abilities. “For example, when Bella offers to brush the dog, let her. But instead of micromanaging how she does it, say, ‘I trust you to do a great job,’” explained Pierce. “This small gesture sends a power message to your child, a vote of confidence that says, ‘You can do it’ and ‘You are capable.’”
5. Build healthy self-esteem. One of the most important gifts you can give your children is the confidence they need to handle their own lives. Fostering this sense of independence can be achieved in small steps. Some that Dr. Pierce suggests include encouraging your kids to entertain themselves—without electronics. “Let them learn to play by themselves. Doing so will teach them self-reliance, foster creativity, and give them time for solo pursuits.” Similarly, Dr. Pierce urges parents to let their kids take care of homework on their own. “Check for completion, but don’t correct mistakes. Teachers get better information when children do their own work, and children learn valuable lessons about maintaining focus and taking pride in their work.”

Another suggestion: Assign chores that are meaningful. “Teach your children to clean up after themselves, starting with their toys and their clothes. Show them how to organize and manage their belongings. This will help them appreciate the value of their possessions and foster a sense of personal responsibility and respect,” said Dr. Pierce. “You’ll also help them to recognize that the success of their family depends on everyone’s contribution.”

Forget this notion of perfect parenting. The more you can accept yourself and recognize that there will be good days and bad days as a parent, the more accepting and attuned you can be of your children and their needs. As Dr. Pierce reminds us, having a positive, loving approach to yourself and your children is the key to raising healthy, confident kids in a not-so-perfect world.

Having Empathy for others not only increases one’s value in the eyes of others but is also a major contributor for successful, and satisfying romantic relationships. Empathy is the ability to see a point of view from another’s perspective, even when their perspective is different from yours. It is when you let another know that they make sense, even if you don’t agree. For example, ” I see why you want to go to that movie, it got great reviews and you like movies with action and some violence but it’s really not my kind of movie and I’d prefer if you go with someone else”. Being able to tell your partner that they make sense, other than shaming them or putting them down for their feeling or choice is a component of empathy.

Many couples come to couples counseling hoping their partner will develop more empathy. Developing empathy in therapy can be easily achieved when two people want a closer relationship. The rewards empathy brings is not only bonding but also lasting. Many people express in therapy that they want empathy from their parents or family members in hopes of being acknowledged and more understood.

Again, you don’t have to have the same experience to have empathy. I knew a man whose house burned down to the ground. He had a wife and 3 children who subsequently had to temporarily live with a neighbor and who lost everything in the fire. He said what helped him the most was when someone responded with empathy saying how difficult it must be to have lost everything and to have to start over. We all know what it’s like to have to start over and to feel like we have lost everything. Connecting with the feeling, is empathy. We don’t have to have the same experience.

The following article explains more on empathy. Try and empathize today. See how it touches others in your life and notice what it can do for you.

Ordinary Empathy- Is It Truly Ordinary?

Posted: 4/01/2014 15:00

Behavior going right requires no explanation. Successful behavior is ordinary. Empathy is ordinary in the same way.

Empathy is a fundamental feature of emotional competence. In the average expected, good enough maturation, people naturally acquire empathic skills as they interact with others, but some circumstances and manners of parenting are more conducive to fostering empathy than others. We don’t always need to be empathic, but when a situation calls for mutual understanding, a lack of empathy requires explanation. Under normal circumstances, people make sense to each other, and when they don’t, we expect people to be able to figure out why.

Without the right degree of empathy, ordinary social interaction would be hard. Negotiation would be difficult. Moral discourse would be impossible. Improvisational play would be stilted, at best.

Empathic skill is a standing condition of normal personality, a competence required for engaging in social practices if those practices are to have the character of “flow”, attunement, harmony, or the dance-like features of improvisational play. Intimacy requires empathy. Love, work and play are based on this shared competence. When there isn’t sufficient empathic skill there’s pathology. Such deficits interfere with the ability to engage in certain vital relationships, especially where compassion and intimacy are required.

Empathy is the core of our intimate acts. Intimacy is understood as empathy plus a willingness to share vulnerability. In an intimate act, we let someone else see our most vulnerable features. Intimacy involves the risk and the hope that our vulnerability will be treated carefully and kindly.

We experience someone as empathic when they demonstrate that they appreciate our intentions and the significance of our actions in a manner that respects our toleration for being known. Empathic action requires an appreciation of what a person intends through recognizing their reasons for action, what they know about their relevant circumstances, what skill or competence they have relevant to what they are trying to do, and the significance of this performance to them. Empathic action involves acknowledging this without anyone feeling overwhelmed or violated.

Special thanks to Pam Evans and CJ Stone for offering far better ways to say what I had expressed awkwardly.

Written By Wynn Schwartz Ph.D

Ordinary Empathy was originally published @ Freedom, Liberation and Reaction: Lessons in Psychology and has been syndicated with permission.

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Rage (often called fury or frenzy) is an emotion / feeling of intense or growing anger. It is associated with the fight-or-flight response and often activated in response to a serious  offense. The phrase, ‘thrown into a fit of rage,’ expresses the immediate nature of rage. We often hear about “road rage” regarding people expressing their anger while driving.  If left unchecked rage may lead to violence. Depression and anxiety lead to an increased susceptibility to rage and luckily there is therapy and treatment for rage.

The following article from the March edition of the BBC Health News, discusses how rage and accumulated outbursts of anger can influence health problems. It also states that chronic stress can contribute to heart disease, because it can raise blood pressure and also because people may deal with their stress in unhealthy ways, for example by smoking or drinking too much alcohol.

Read more to see their findings and the list of ways to prevent problems.

Angry people ‘risking heart attacks’
By Michelle Roberts Health editor, BBC News online

Jealousy is a waste of time! It is a burden and a result of comparing yourself to others. It is letting outside factors determine your happiness.

1. e.g. 1. He does something that you dislike and you get upset. (Conclusion: his behavior dictates your happiness.
2. She has a slimmer figure than you and you feel jealous. (Conclusion: Her body size controls your happiness because you let it.)

Jealousy is a form of sabotage in which you loose control of your sense of serenity and well being. Don’t allow someone else to determine your happiness! When beginning to feel jealous.. Remember:

1. Your feelings will do nothing to change his behavior
2. If you put all your feelings of happiness and fulfillment in another person’s hands, then you are always setting yourself up for pain (or anger).
3. His behavior toward someone else is not a reflection of my worth. It is his choice, and I am not going to think less of myself just because he makes a choice.
4. You do have the power to send out any thoughts that you don’t want swirling around in your head.

If you feel someone has done something which violates your personal agreement, such as having an affair, or going out with another person and lying to you, then present the facts about how you feel to that person (be assertive!)

Tell him or her what it is that you would like to see changed in your relationship so that this does not recur. If the person refuses to change, than you must make a decision.

Put the source of your self-worth and happiness where it belongs – in the self.

Self confident people don’t experience jealousy largely because they don’t fear not being loved. They know that they are worthy of love and if a person doesn’t recognize it, then that is his problem, not theirs. The less dependent you are on another, the less you need his love and the likelier you are to keep it.