Several years ago, Pay Love Ed. D and Sunny Shulkin, Ph.D. two Imago trainers and therapists published a book titled How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship. I used to leave this book on a table in my waiting room and often got laughs and responses from my clients.
Below is part of their list of some seemingly insignificant behaviors they identify each of which over time services to erode the love between two people.
Interestingly, a common reason couples give for separation is that they “grew apart.” You can see how these specific actions separate couples.
In reading this list of behaviors, you may be embarrassed to recognize parts of yourself – and decide to change some of them on behalf of your relationship. As Sunny and Pay say, we sometimes have to have done it wrong before we can do it right.
- Countrol everything and everyone
- Never take the blame yourself, instead make your partner wrong
- Make it a habit to spend money than you have
- Win every fight, even the ones you couldn’t care less about
- Keep Score
- Use threats often
- Find your partner’s weak spot and use it against him/her
- When your partner tries to please you, find faults with their efforts
- Hold fast to the belief, “If you loved me you would know what I want”
- Demand your partner remain faithful but refuse to meet his or her sexual needs
- Use silence as a weapon
- Pretend that you don’t hear
- When your partner tries to apologize, bring up more complaints
- Refuse to give information
- When you realize you haven’t given your partner some important info, insist that you did
- Claim to be the only one interested in the relationship
- Never ask for help
- Confide only in friends
- Take it personally when your partner wants time alone
- Discount your partner’s physical complaints
- Give advice where it isn’t welcome
- Never pick up after yourself
- Refuse to seek help for your depression
- Refuse to talk
- Focus on changing your partner
- Focus all your needs on sex
- Take all problems as further proof that the relationship will not work
To read the entire article Visit By Betsy Bergquist, Imago Therapist