Hello Everyone!
I’m sending you this interesting article that shows what relationship issues divorce lawyers hear the most. Isn’t it interesting that I also hear the SAME issues which can be resolved in marriage and couples counseling! How unfortunate for the people who choose divorce when there are workable solutions. If not resolved, people often bring the same issues to their next relationship!
I hope you enjoy the article and support your friends and loved ones to be pro-active when these complains come up and see the therapist before the divorce attorney! I also tell people it is also much more cost effective!
Enjoy!
Denise.
Divorce attorneys have a front-row seat to the kinds of problems that can chip away at relationships. Every day in their offices, they get an earful from clients about what led to divorce.
What are some of the most common complaints they hear? Below, divorce lawyers from around the country share nine of the most prevalent marital issues.
1. My spouse rarely helps out with the kids.
“When I first meet with people during the consultation, I often hear that the husband or wife doesn’t feel like they have an equal partner in their marriage, especially when it comes to the responsibility of caring for their children. It takes time and energy to manage a family’s extracurricular activities, doctor’s appointments and social activities. Whenever someone feels their spouse is not pulling their weight, resentment will build. When it involves children, though, it becomes much more complicated. When they are in my office, I know they have tried everything and asked their spouse to step up and help, but they have not been successful. Filing for divorce is the only way they believe they will get some reprieve from it.” — Puja A. Sachdev, an attorney in San Diego, California
2. We never talk about our problems.
“It’s nothing that either spouse says ― it’s what they don’t say. Problems crop up and no one wants to rock the boat. So no one deals with the problem. No one talks about it. But then it doesn’t go away. It goes underground, then another problem crops up. This time, dealing with it is even harder because both parties still hold resentment from the first problem they never dealt with. So they push the second problem under the rug. Then the third. And so on. At some point, they explode over something that seems stupid and silly. Ultimately, they’re arguing about the ongoing, unspoken problems they have.” ― Karen Covy, an attorney and divorce coach based in Chicago, Illinois
3. Our sex life fizzled out, and so did any intimacy.
“Honestly, I can go on and on, but those are two big complaints I hear. What it boils down to is life has gotten in the way and there is no longer a connection between spouses. Even more than sex, it has to do with a lack of communication and lack of intimacy. What couples fail to realize is that the work of the relationship does not end at ‘I do’ ― there is work to be done every day. I know it sounds trite but it is important to connect with and check in with your spouse on a daily basis whether you are sharing a meal or walking the dog.” ― Lisa Helfend Meyer, an attorney in Los Angeles, California
4. My spouse reconnected with an old flame on Facebook.
“I have recently had clients inform me that their spouses were becoming ‘addicted’ to social media; more importantly, the social media ‘addiction’ was merely a symptom of an age-old problem ― cheating. Their spouse clicked the ‘like’ button on someone’s Facebook post and it escalated into sexual chats, texting and ultimately, face-to-face meetings where the flame was rekindled. It’s likely that the person would have sought out some way to cheat even without social media. So the social media ‘addiction’ was merely a symptom of the ultimate issue: infidelity. Some couples can work through the issue of infidelity, but most cannot ― and that’s what leads them to my office.” ― Douglas Kepanis, an attorney in New York City
5. We feel more like roommates than spouses.
“People often say that their spouse feels like a stranger, not the person they married. Clients often describe themselves as ‘roommates’ and say they spend little time interacting with their spouse. More commonly, they say that their spouse has ‘checked out.’” ― Carla Schiff Donnelly, an attorney in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
6. My spouse is selfish.
“Selfishness manifests itself in different ways: stingy with money, unwilling to listen and be emotionally present, not sharing responsibility for chores and the kids, having an affair instead of trying to work it out or splitting with respect, not being aware of the other’s needs and wants. The exact form of selfishness varies from case to case, but the theme is always there in divorce cases.” ― Alison Patton, a San Diego-based divorce attorney and mediator
7. We speak different love languages.
“Two people may love each other, but not ‘feel loved’ if they have a different love language. That means, if one spouse’s ‘language of love’ is to do helpful things or buy gifts, and the other’s love language is verbal affirmations, loving touch, or quality time together, the receiver doesn’t really feel love, and the giver doesn’t feel appreciated for the love they’re giving. When that happens, there isn’t enough credit in the love bank for them to get through the challenges that come with any relationship. They’re fighting over money or sex, when underneath that is the need for simple physical connection or quality time. Find out your love language: It might just keep you out of a divorce lawyer’s office.” ― Dennis A. Cohen, an attorney and mediator in Marina del Rey, California
8. I feel taken for granted.
“This complaint makes sense. When courting each other, there’s often a lot of flattery and extra attention spent listening to and pleasing your mate. But once the deal is done, once the relationship is sealed with vows, many feel safe and worry less that their partner is happy. Many people who hire me tell me they’ve been unhappy for years, that they’ve waited and waited for things to improve before they finally hit their limit. Rarely do I encounter a couple getting divorced because of a sudden or one-time event such as a one-night stand or one ugly argument. With so much invested in a marriage, it often takes quite a lot for someone to get to the point of no return. But when they get there, it is often because they finally realize they would be happier unmarried to that person ― or as someone once told me, less miserable.”— Randall M. Kessler,an attorney in Atlanta, Georgia
Link to original article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/complaints-divorce-attorneys-hear-all-the-time_us_593eed00e4b0c5a35ca23a85
“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us: it is in everyone, and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
It’s the little things. Noticing what they like. What they need. How to step in and make their life a little easier. Connecting with them. Being considerate. Kind. Doing errands that are helpful. Thinking ahead of what makes them happy. One man said about his wife: “Lisa likes to read the local paper so I try to make sure she never has to go outside to retrieve it. She hates filling up the gas tank so I try to remember before trips to fill it up. She’s not a big fan of driving in general, so if there’s a shopping trip I can take her to on the weekend, I’ll do my best. In turn, Lisa excels at this much more than I do. When I’m tired and my schedule is overwhelming me, Lisa’s service goes on overdrive. She won’t let me do anything. I off-handedly mention I should eat sometime soon and suddenly a meal is in front of me. I reach to pick up the plate afterwards and she’s already there, scooping it away. “I’ll let you get back to work,” she says.
This is flat-out abusive. When you know that what you’re doing is frustrating your spouse or even making him/her miserable and you do just enough to keep the platform of living together alive so that you can ultimately continue to make him/her miserable, that’s spiritually and emotionally sick. It’s malicious. “I’m not going to let you go but I’m also not going to change.” I can’t say this strongly enough: it is not only unkind demonstrates a real emotional disorder to treat anyone, much less your spouse, this way. Therapy needs to help the offending partner to bring an end to the evil (change needs to happen) rather than unwittingly offer a platform for the evil to continue (just try to do a little bit better so your spouse isn’t quite so angry and won’t separate from you).
was forced to make his living as a writer (he became the most popular writer of his day, he thought having a wife would be a very good thing, and he soon entered into a very happy and fulfilling marriage to a young woman named Margaret.
Denise O’Doherty, psychotherapist and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, will give tips and insights on how we can better define, love and protect ourselves through “Personal Boundaries and Effective Confrontation”. Good boundaries affect everything we do. They give us freedom to be ourselves and they teach others how to treat us. Topics addressed will be what gets in the way of having good boundaries, the difference between rigid and flexible boundaries, and how to deal with passive and aggressive people by understanding their cost and payoff. Boundary setting tips, self-esteem, codependency, shame and guilt will also be addressed. She will conclude with an outline for us a step by step way to confront someone effectively.
We also use food for reasons other than nourishment.
The message is that holidays are a time of giving and receiving surrounded by family and friends giving recognition for our lives. Its easy to envision festive images of family, friends, food, party’s and religious observation.