areas of practice

Relationship Counseling: Increase Intimacy By Learning Your Love Language

Effective Communication - Communication is the key to maintaining a healthy relationship. Communicating with your significant other requires both listening and expressing your thoughts and desires.

Gary Chapmans’ book, The 5 Love Languages, suggests that there are 5 ways that we SHOW and RECEIVE love. His languages are: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Chapman explains that it is important to learn the ways in which you like to show those that matter most that you love and appreciate them, as well as how you like to receive love from others.

Here are Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages:

Words of Affirmation

Hearing the words, “I Love You,” are important, but hearing the reasons on why someone loves you are just as important. Words of appreciation, encouraging works, and kind words are a powerful communication of love. Verbally communicating your love must be done with a humble heart, kindness, tenderness and sincerity.

Quality Time

Nothing says “I love you, like giving your beloved your undivided attention. A person who loves through quality time, or needs to be loved with quality time need that one on one time, with no TV, cell phone on vibrate, no outside influences, just one on one time. Quality time is not just being at the same place at the same time. It involved interaction and sharing the time together. Maintaining eye contact, no multi-tasking, and actively participating in the conversation are a must for the QT lover.

Gifting

Gifting should not be confused with materialism. Receiving gifts as a form of love focuses on the thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift, and vice versa for the gifter who shows love through gifting. The gifter is expressing that their sweetheart is cared for and prized for above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift. The one showing their love through gift giving often goes through a great deal of thought and planning in an effort to provide the perfect gift at the most appropriate time.

Acts of Service

Showing love through acts of service display the devotion that one has towards their object of affection. Attempting to ease their workload and make their life easier bring pleasure to the acts of service lover. Actions such as housework, cooking meals, laundry, yard work, running errands, dealing with finances are just a few examples of acts of service one might perform to show their love and devotion. These acts, no matter how big or small, require thought, planning and effort. For the loved one who likes to receive love through acts of service, they see them as a display of love and commitment.

Physical Touch

Don’t confuse this love language as just related to sex. Physical touch can be hugs, pats on the back, hand holding, caressing as you pass each other, and kissing when you leave or return to the home. These small acts of affection build excitement and display loving and caring. Love touches don’t take much time and the holding hands, kissing, hugging, touching each other when you leave the house and when you return may involve only a brief kiss, but speaks volumes.

The Importance To Learn Your Love Language

If we use this model of showing and receiving love, it is important to have a healthy relationship to understand two things:

How you like to receive and show love
How your significant other likes to receive and show love.

Knowing your bent for showing and receiving love, and fully understanding the way your significant other shows and receive love will bring a new level to your relationship. Understand that you may or may not match up with your mate. It may take work on both parts to understand these new concepts of showing and receiving each other’s affection.

How To Communicate Your Love Language

In many relationships, the concept of love languages is foreign. Opening the lines of communication between you and your partner will allow you both to express your thoughts, observations and desires to each other without being criticized. The goal is to build a deeper and long lasting relationship while enjoying each other’s characteristics that you bring to the relationship.

Gary Chapman does offer an assessment: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/

This is a great tool that you and your partner can take and learn the best ways to communicate love and build a lasting relationship.

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling

BY Denise O'Doherty

Happy New Year and “Post-Romantic Stress Disorder”

Hello everyone and Happy New Year! It’s a good time to dig within and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year. Make any goals you’d like. Goals give us direction and are an affirmation that you’re interested in fully living your life in the year to come. The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals and visioning our life as we would like it to be.

For my first blog of the year, I highly recommend John Bradshaw’s new book, “Post-Romantic Stress Disorder”. I read it on the plane recently coming back from NY. couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling,

What a classic and profound book! His focus is on new discoveries about lust, love and saving your marriage before it’s too late. Basically it’s about what to do when the honeymoon is over.

His premise is that too many people break up marriages that are worth saving. He is a strong supporter of IMAGO Relationship counseling and agrees that in marriage we are there to heal our partners childhood wounds. Also that the infatuation stage is supposed to decrease in intensity, and when that happens, most people don’t know how to keep the romance and spark in their relationship. He says that being in-love is spontaneous, yet achieving a fully adult kind of mature love is not. It takes effort. He also says that there are things we’d all like to change about our partners, but we must be willing to change our self first. What I really like is that he confirms what I often tell couples, “couples who find satisfaction together are those who are willing to compromise and allow their partners to have their differences”. You don’t have to think alike to have a good marriage, you have to respect the differences. He also talks about how important it is to have a solid sense of self when entering a relationship and why it is essential. He writes about how to overcome shame and argue effectively. I think this book is particularly good for anyone thinking about couples therapy, marriage therapy or relationship therapy. But also, for individuals who want to know essentials of what makes a healthy relationship work.

A Chance To Learn More

I will be adding some of the concepts of this book in my class, on 2/28/15. “Successful Romantic and Intimate Relationships: How to Make Them Work”. You can register through Leisure Learning Unlimited, www.llu.com or 713-529-4414. It’s on a Saturday from 10am-12noon. Hope to see you there!

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem counseling

BY Denise O'Doherty

Why Aren’t Women Advancing At Work? Ask a Transgender Person

Having experienced the workplace from both perspectives, they hold the key to its biases.

How much has the role of women changed in the workplace in the last few decades? It is drastic, to think of the positions and roles women have created and earned for themselves throughout time. This article brings to light that despite the advancement, there is still discrimination in the attitudes some have towards women regardless of position and title. Very interesting, particularly since the some of the observation is done by someone who has lived both genders….

Fifty years after The Feminine Mystique and 40 years after Title IX, the question of why women lag in the workplace dogs researchers and lay people alike. While women are entering the professions at rates equal to men, they rise more slowly, and rarely advance to the top. They’re represented in smaller numbers at the top in fields from science to arts to business.

Some suggest that there is something different about women—women have stalled because of their personal choices, or their cognitive and emotional characteristics, whether innate or socialized. Another possibility is that the obstacles to women’s advancement are located within their environments—that they face barriers unique to their gender.¹

But while bias has been experimentally demonstrated, it’s hard to study in the real world: Just as it’s hard to isolate a single environmental pollutant’s effect on human health, it’s been near impossible to isolate gender as a variable in the real world and watch how it affects a person’s day-to-day experience.

Until now. Trans people are bringing entirely new ways of approaching the discussion. Because trans people are now staying in the same careers (and sometimes the very same jobs) after they change genders, they are uniquely qualified to discuss the difference between how men and women experience the workplace. Their experience is as close to the scientific method as we can get: By isolating and manipulating gender as a variable and holding all other variables—skill, career, personality, talent—constant, these individuals reveal exactly the way one’s outward appearance of gender affects day-to-day interactions. If we truly want to understand women at work, we should listen carefully to trans men and trans women: They can tell us more about gender in the workplace than just about anyone.

Ben Barres is a biologist at Stanford who lived and worked as Barbara Barres until he was in his forties. For most of his career, he experienced bias, but didn’t give much weight to it—seeing incidents as discrete events. (When he solved a tough math problem, for example, a professor said, “You must have had your boyfriend solve it.”) When he became Ben, however, he immediately noticed a difference in his everyday experience: “People who don’t know I am transgendered treat me with much more respect,” he says. He was more carefully listened to and his authority less frequently questioned. He stopped being interrupted in meetings. At one conference, another scientist said, “Ben gave a great seminar today—but then his work is so much better than his sister’s.” (The scientist didn’t know Ben and Barbara were the same person.) “This is why women are not breaking into academic jobs at any appreciable rate,” he wrote in response to Larry Summers’s famous gaffe implying women were less innately capable at the hard sciences. “Not childcare. Not family responsibilities,” he says. “I have had the thought a million times: I am taken more seriously.”

This experience, it turns out, is typical for transmen. For her book Just One of the Guys? Transgender Men and the Persistence of Gender Inequality, sociologist Kristen Schilt interviewed dozens of FTM (female to male) transgender individuals. One subject noted that when he expresses an opinion, everyone in a meeting now writes it down. Another noted, “When I was a woman, no matter how many facts I had, people were like, “Are you sure about that?’ It’s so strange not to have to defend your positions.” When they suggested women for promotions, other men said, “Oh! I hadn’t thought about her”—they were able to promote women because their advice was taken more seriously. Personality traits that had been viewed negatively when they were women were now seen as positives. “I used to be considered aggressive,” said one subject. “Now I’m considered ‘take charge.’ People say, ‘I love your take-charge attitude.’”

The effects of FTM transition, however, aren’t universally positive. Race, it seems, has the ability to overshadow gender when it comes to others’ esteem. Black transmen, for instance, found they were perceived as a “dangerous” post transition. One subject said he went from being “obnoxious black woman” to “scary black man”—and was now always asked to play the “suspect” in training exercises.

What happens when the opposite transformation takes place—when a man becomes a woman? Joan Roughgarden is a biologist at Stanford who lived and worked as Jonathan Roughgarden until her early fifties, and her experience was almost the mirror image of Barres’s. In her words, “men are assumed to be competent until proven otherwise, whereas a woman is assumed to be incompetent until she proves otherwise.” In an interview, Roughgarden also noted that if she questioned a mathematical idea, people assumed it was because she didn’t understand it. Other transwomen have found changes not only in perceptions of their ability, but also their personality. In Schilt’s work with transwomen for a forthcoming book, she found that behaviors transwomen had as men were now seen as off-putting. What was once “take-charge” was now “aggressive.” And they had to adapt; the transwomen quickly learned that “being the same way in the world would be detrimental to your career.”

Unlike those of us who have only experienced the world a single gender, Schilt’s subjects were able to see very clearly that “men succeed in the workplace at higher rates than women because of gender stereotypes that privilege masculinity, not because they have greater skill or ability.” Bias is a hard thing to acknowledge. “Until a person has experienced career-harming bias,” wrote Barres in his response to Summers, “they simply don’t believe it exists.” And people tend to think the problem is located elsewhere: “Everyone thinks that there’s bias out there, but ‘I’m not that person,’” says Schilt.

But, says Schilt, bias is both more pervasive and less invidious. And addressing it is going to take more than just waiting around for the old guard to retire: The “fantasy of a demographic shift just isn’t true,” Schilt says. ”It’s our culture. It’s how we organize gender, separate by gender, men’s rooms and women’s rooms—it’s so ingrained in us that these things are different. And it’s not just men, it’s also women who have the same ideas.” The experiences of trans people are bringing these factors to light in a wholly new and unclouded way.

Of course, the sample size is small here. And there’s no perfect agreement on cause-and-effect. Chris Edwards, a trans advertising executive, says that post-transition, he was given greater levels of responsibility—but he thinks it’s because the testosterone he took changed his behavior. He became less timid and more outspoken—and was seen, at work, as more of a leader. Indeed, some suggest that transmen might experience these workplace benefits partly because, post-transition, they are happier and more comfortable, and that this confidence leads to greater workplace success. But if that’s the case, one would expect that transwomen, armed with this same newfound confidence, would see benefits. The opposite seems to be true.

To truly understand trans people’s experiences of workplace gender bias, more research is needed. But the window to do so may be closing, as people are able to change genders at younger and younger ages. Puberty-inhibiting medications are becoming more mainstream, meaning young trans people can choose to suppress the development of secondary sexual characteristics from a relatively early age. (The treatment became available in the U.S. in 2009.) A child who identifies with the opposite gender and seeks treatment is now able to experience the world, for most of their life, as that gender alone.

And the group of trans people who are vocal on the subject is already fairly small; many seem to feel they have much larger issues facing them. When asked how people react when she describes the different treatment she receives as a woman, Roughgarden responds simply, “I don’t bring it up.” Ultimately, Schilt says, it’s not trans people’s responsibility fix gender bias. Roughgarden agrees. “We’re trying make a life,” she says. “We have to live in our actual roles, we can’t sit in a coffeehouse and complain about how this is the world. This is the world and we have to live in it. We have to navigate it.”

Article Courtesy of NewRepublic.com

Filed Under: areas of practice, gender dysphoria

BY Denise O'Doherty

The Importance of End of Life Planning: Y Collaborative Partnership

Have you ever wondered how someone would know what was important to you and gather all the necessary information regarding your personal wishes if you died? Y Collaborative represents a way of thinking to put life in order and put worry away by making decisions about issues before you are in the position to where you have to decide.

endoflifeplanning

Y collaborative gives you the tools to have meaningful conversations with family, friends, and trusted advisers about end of life decisions. Of course we all know how important it is to have a will, but what about other things affecting your life? If something were to happen to you, do you have someone who would take your pet? Does that person know who they are? Have you made financial decisions for them to care for your pet? Is there someone who knows which social / political organizations you would like to be informed of your passing? If you have no relatives in the state, would someone here know how to contact your siblings in other states? If you were to pass on, would someone have a record of your bank accounts with checking and savings account numbers, safe deposit number and key location? Sometimes loved ones are in the hospital and they have made it clear to you that they do not want certain procedures performed on them. Hospitals will routinely do some procedures that may go against someone’s personal wishes. Does someone know your last wishes? Most important, where do you keep all the information you would want someone to have?

Many people express in individual, couples and family therapy their feelings of hurt and anger when end of life issues were not handled the way they thought it should be handled for someone they loved. Hostility among siblings results when they disagreed over how a parent would want to be remembered. This can lead to years of confusion and resentment. All this negativity can be prevented.

Nancy Rust, founder of YCollaborative provides end of life planning services that gives you the peace of mind when making important decision about your well being and personal choices as you near the end of your life. YCollaborative, believes in planning ahead and making those tough end-of-life decisions in advance before they are needed in order to avoid someone else making those decisions for you. To make these important decisions, Nancy has created a workbook, that outlines all that important things we need to address so someone could easily have access to necessary information and our personal wishes. To learn more about Nancy and YCollaborative, contact her at http://www.ycollaborative.com or at info@YCollaborative.com, and by phone at 713-521-7699.

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling

BY Denise O'Doherty

Daily Affirmation

Your problems, your weaknesses, setbacks, regrets and mistakes teach you if you’re willing to learn, positive affirmation, couples counseling, relationship therapy, marriage counseling

positive affirmation, couples counseling, relationship therapy, marriage counseling

or they will punish you if you’re not. So let them teach you, every day. Take everything as a lesson learned. If you regret some of the decisions you have made in the past, stop being so hard on yourself. At that time, you did your best with the knowledge you had. At that time, you did your best with the experience you had. Your decisions were made with a younger mind. If you were to make these decisions with the wisdom you have today, you would choose differently. So give yourself a break. Time and experience has a wonderful way of helping us grow and learn to make better choices today, for ourselves and those we care for.

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem counseling

BY Denise O'Doherty

Top 10 Tips for Asserting Your Agenda

For all those who need some help asserting their own wishes and needs.

Identify your agenda: Ask yourself: “what is it that I really want in this situation?” (be honest!)
Give yourself permission to go after it: Its OK for you to want something or to have a need, even if others want or need something else. Your need is important too. Ask yourself if it feels like you have permission to want it.
Give yourself time: Don’t just “give-in” because someone is being persuasive or because you’re in the habit of deferring. You can say “I really need to think about that” or “we need to discuss it”.
Say what you want: Let yourself say it, don’t assume others know. In a relationship or friendship also say why and what your feeling about it.
Make sure you’ve been heard: “I want to make sure you’ve understood my point of view, can you tell me what you heard?” Get the other person to reflect it back and if they get it wrong tell them. Keep doing this until you’ve been heard correctly.
Don’t accept having your thought dismissed: That’s just bad behavior and you can call them on it: “that sounds dismissive” or “you’re being dismissive”, or “it’s not OK to just dismiss my point of view”.
Beware of manipulation: We don’t always get your way in life but we can require others to negotiate in an honest way – don’t accept emotional blackmail or manipulation – even if you have in the past. Call them on it – “I feel like you’re manipulating me”.
Know your fears: ask yourself what is it you’re fearing that’s holding you back from going after this thing. What are you afraid will happen if you get your way?
Do a priority check-up: if you are allowing someone else’s needs to have priority over yours ask yourself if that is really what you want and if its appropriate in this situation.
Do the best friend check: if your best friend described the situation to you, what would you want him/her to do? Think about this one!

by Ami B. Kaplan, LCSW,

Psychotherapy and Psyoanalysis, New York City

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem counseling

BY Denise O'Doherty

10 Toxic Behaviors that Kill Your Confidence

Two decades ago, when the bullies at our high school called her a nerd for being a virgin and a straight-A student, my best friend Sara smiled and confidently said, “Thank you. I’m really proud of it.” She honestly was. What those bullies said never bothered her one bit. And this is just one tiny example of Sara’s incredible self-confidence.

So, pulling from a decade of experience as a life coach, in an effort to help Lane walk more closely Sara’s footsteps, here are some toxic, confidence-killing behaviors to avoid:

Getting caught up in lots of needless drama. – Some people love to stir up controversy and drama for no apparent reason. Don’t buy in to their propaganda. Stay out of other people’s drama and don’t needlessly create your own. Instead, imagine what would happen if you spent this entire day, and every day hereafter, with all your energy directed toward your most positive possibilities. Rather than being annoyed, be amused. Instead of getting angry, become curious. In place of envy, feel admiration. Life is too short to argue, fight or be negative in any way. Count your blessings, value the people who matter and move on from the drama with your head held high.
Seeking approval from everyone around you. – Confident people have no interest in pleasing everyone they meet. They are aware that not all people agree on things, and that’s just how life works. They focus on the quality of their relationships, instead of the quantity of them. So never let the opinions of the masses define who you are or what you can or can’t do. When you let go of the need to impress everyone, that’s when you begin to be truly impressive to the few people who actually matter. And when you earn the trust and respect of these select few people, no matter where you go or what you try, you will do it with confidence – because you know the people who matter are behind you.
Making excuse after excuse after excuse. – Have a plan that’s bigger than your excuses. There is so very much to touch, to do, to create, and to experience. Confident people take ownership of their thoughts and actions. They don’t blame the traffic for being tardy at work – they know THEY were late. They don’t excuse their shortcomings with excuses like “I don’t have time” or “I’m just not good enough” – they make the time and they keep on improving until they see results. Even a tiny effort is infinitely more productive than a big, impressive excuse. So stop seeing every obstacle as an excuse and start seeing those obstacles as forming a pathway to your goals.
Ignoring or second-guessing your intuition. – Intuition is very real and something that is never wise to ignore, because it comes from deep within your subconscious and is derived from your previous life experiences. If everyone else is telling you “yes” but your gut is telling you otherwise, it’s usually for a good reason. When faced with difficult decisions, seek out all the information you can find, become as knowledgeable as you possibly can, and then listen to your God-given instincts. Believe in yourself. Know that trusting your intuition is equivalent to trusting your true self; and the more you trust your true self, the more control you have of making your goals and dreams come true.
Disempowering yourself with weak language. – Confident people use words with intention. Consider the difference between these two aspiring bloggers: One says, “Yes, I am a blogger. You like meditation and yoga too? Excellent! We need to connect – check out my new mindfulness guide I just posted at…” vs. “Well, I am trying to blog but am not sure I am doing it right (nervous giggle). I wish I had started sooner… blah, blah.” Who do you think gets the most views, comments and social shares? Bottom line: If you’re trying to build something or become something, own it and speak like you mean it.
Thinking, “Why me? Why me?” – On the contrary, confident people think, “Why not me?” Sadly though, many people feel they have to wait: to be hired, to be good enough, to be chosen – like the old Hollywood cliché, to somehow be “discovered.” But confident people know that access is basically universal these days (especially if you’re online reading this article). They can connect with almost anyone through social media. (Everyone you know knows someone you should know.) They know they can attract their own funding, create their own products and services, build their own networks of clients and partners, choose their own path – they can choose to follow their dreams. And very quietly, without calling too much attention to themselves, they go out and do it.
Needing to always be right. – Confident people take a stand not because they think they’re always right, but because they’re not scared to be wrong. Cocky, conceited people tend to take a position and then preach, argue, and totally disregard differing opinions or points of view. They “know” they’re right (even when they’re wrong) and they want (actually, they need) you to know it too. Their behavior isn’t a sign of confidence, though; it’s the trademark of a bully. Truly confident people don’t mind being proven wrong. They know that finding out what is right is a lot more important than being right. And when they’re wrong, they’re secure enough to back down graciously and appreciate the lesson learned.
Talking just to hear yourself talk. – Begging for attention by talking constantly is just another mask for insecurity. Thus, confident people are often quiet and unassuming, and they listen as much if not more than they speak. They already know what they think, so they want to know what you think. Follow in their footsteps by asking open-ended questions on the topic of discussion, and give others the freedom to be thoughtful, introspective and resourceful. Ask questions like: What do you do? How do you do it? What have you learned from it? What would you do differently if you were starting over? And so forth. Ask these questions to learn, because you know a lot, but not everything, and the only way to learn more is to listen more.
Letting success get to your head or failure get to your heart. – If success makes you arrogant, you haven’t really succeeded. If failure makes you determined, you haven’t really failed. Period. Think about success and failure differently. Don’t take everything that goes wrong personally, and don’t get a big head when everything goes right either. Be a humble, life-long learner. Create, enjoy, learn, love, experience, succeed, fail, persevere, make mistakes, make progress, take risks, and find the treasure in each day.
Hiding from new life experiences. – Get out there. Let life touch you. Yes, it will hurt sometimes. But the pain will be much deeper if you build an impenetrable wall around yourself – your own 100-foot tall wall of comfort – your own self-inflicted prison sentence. Life is too short for that. Don’t let the fear of making the wrong decision prevent you from making any decision at all. You have too many beautiful places to go. Today is full of possibility. Now, do something about it.

Filed Under: areas of practice, self esteem counseling

BY Denise O'Doherty

We Can Rewire Our Brains To Crave Healthy Foods

What we eat is essential to how we feel. Food affects us both physically and emotionally. I learned in nursing school that 80% of all illnesses are a result of what we put in our gastrointestinal tract. A nurse practitioner recently told me it was 90%. For some illnesses, there is a direct factor , between what we eat and what illness we get. This interesting article challenges us to begin to think differently about food. It suggests that we can associate positive feelings with healthy foods and not just junk foods. When we eat better, exercise and maintain a positive attitude, we feel better, accomplish more and feel more satisfied with their life. Eating better could also be one factor in managing depression, anxiety and insomnia.

Courtesy of reviewed.com

Have you ever taken a bite of chocolate cake and just felt… happy? That’s because your brain is being flooded with dopamine–a chemical that helps facilitate the sensation of pleasure. Under an MRI scan, you can actually see the part of the brain where this all goes down. We instinctually seek out things that makes that spot light up. So, do you think your brain would ever light up at the smell of… Brussels sprouts?

Dr. Susan B. Roberts of Tufts University thinks so. In a recent study, her research suggested that we can retool our brains to find junk food less appealing and healthy food irresistible.

The study consisted of 13 men and women, eight of which were subjected to a modified version of Dr. Roberts’ iDiet system. Participants also attended weekly group sessions for a period of 15 weeks.

Over time, subjects associate the “healthy” food with feeling nice and full, retooling their brains.

The idea behind the iDiet system is that foods with high protein, high fiber, and low glycemic-index carbohydrates tend to make you full without lots of excess calories and blood sugar spikes. Over time, subjects associate the “healthy” food with feeling nice and full, retooling their brains.

Roberts, who is also a trained chef, leveraged these traits to create meals that tasted good, satisfied hunger, and prevented large fluctuations in blood-sugar levels.

Aside from losing weight, MRI scans showed that the participants’ brains actually lit up less for junk food and more for healthy meals. And unlike gastric-bypass surgery, the participants did not report a decline in the enjoyment of eating.

“We also use a unique set of behavioral strategies that mesh with our dietary composition to emphasize hunger reduction and craving reduction,” Dr. Roberts told Reviewed in an email. “My ultimate goal is to help slim America down, and I believe this is an important advance.”

It should be noted that the study relied on a pretty small sample size, so further research is needed to confirm the results. However, it’s an interesting direction for nutritional science. Since the days of President Taft, people have been relying on unhealthy, sugary foods to give them that nice dopamine rush. But training our brains to light up at the sight of, say, kale is a crucial step in the pursuit of sustainable weight control.

Read The Original Article Here

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling

BY Denise O'Doherty

Robin Williams’s Death: A Reminder That Suicide and Depression Are Not Selfish

Most of us can think of at least one Robin Williams role that brings an instant smile to our face just thinking of his comedic genius and ability to make us laugh. With the news of his death from an apparent suicide as a result of suffering from severe depression, we can’t help but ask the question, “how can someone that seemed so happy on the outside, be hurting so much on the inside?”

The Guardian addressed the issue with depression and how it can be overwhelming difficult to deal with for some people. The article brought great insight on those suffering from depression.

News of Robin William’s death due to apparent suicide, said to be a result of suffering severe depression, is terribly sad. But to say taking your own life because of such an illness is a ‘selfish’ act does nothing but insult the deceased, potentially cause more harm and reveal a staggering ignorance of mental health problems

Many words can be used to describe Robin Williams. ‘Selfish’ should not be one of them. Photograph: Allstar/Universal PicturesSportsphoto Ltd.

News broke today that Robin Williams had passed away, due to apparent suicide following severe depression. As the vast majority of people will likely have already said, this was terribly heart-breaking news. Such an iconic, talented and beloved figure will have no shortage of tributes paid to him and his incredible legacy. It’s also worth noting that Robin Williams was open about his mental health issues.

However, despite the tremendous amount of love and admiration for Williams being expressed pretty much everywhere right now, there are still those who can’t seem to resist the opportunity to criticize, as they do these days whenever a celebrated or successful person commits suicide. You may have come across this yourself; people who refer to the suicide as “selfish”. People will utter/post phrases such as “to do that to your family is just selfish”, or “to commit suicide when you’ve got so much going for you is pure selfishness”, or variations thereof.

If you are such a person who has expressed these views or similar for whatever reason, here’s why you’re wrong, or at the very least misinformed, and could be doing more harm in the long run.

Depression IS an illness

Depression, the clinical condition, could really use a different name. At present, the word “depressed” can be applied to both people who are a bit miserable and those with a genuine debilitating mood disorder. Ergo, it seems people are often very quick to dismiss depression as a minor, trivial concern. After all, everyone gets depressed now and again, don’t they? Don’t know why these people are complaining so much.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; dismissing the concerns of a genuine depression sufferer on the grounds that you’ve been miserable and got over it is like dismissing the issues faced by someone who’s had to have their arm amputated because you once had a paper cut and it didn’t bother you. Depression is a genuine debilitating condition, and being in “a bit of a funk” isn’t. The fact that mental illness doesn’t receive the same sympathy/acknowledgement as physical illness is often referenced, and it’s a valid point. If you haven’t had it, you don’t have the right to dismiss those who have/do. You may disagree, and that’s your prerogative, but there are decades’ worth of evidence saying you’re wrong.

Depression doesn’t discriminate

How, many seem to wonder, could someone with so much going for them, possibly feel depressed to the point of suicide? With all the money/fame/family/success they have, to be depressed makes no sense?

Admittedly, there’s a certain amount of logic to this. But, and this is important, depression (like all mental illnesses) typically doesn’t take personal factors into account. Mental illness can affect anyone. We’ve all heard of the “madness” of King George III; if mental illness won’t spare someone who, at the time, was one of the most powerful well-bred humans alive, why would it spare someone just because they have a film career?

Granted, those with worse lives are probably going to be exposed to the greater number of risk factors for depression, but that doesn’t mean those with reduced likelihood of exposure to hardships or tragic events are immune. Smoking may be a major cause of lung cancer, but non-smokers can end up with it. And a person’s lifestyle doesn’t automatically reduce their suffering. Depression doesn’t work like that. And even if it did, where’s the cut-off point? Who would we consider “too successful” to be ill?

Depression is not “logical”

If we’re being optimistic, it could be said that most of those describing suicide from depression as selfish are doing so from a position of ignorance. Perhaps they think that those with depression make some sort of table or chart with the pros and cons of suicide and, despite the pros being far more numerous, selfishly opt for suicide anyway?

This is, of course, nonsensical. One of the main problems with mental illness is that is prevents you from behaving or thinking “normally” (although what that means is a discussion for another time). A depression sufferer is not thinking like a non-sufferer in the same way that someone who’s drowning is not “breathing air” like a person on land is. The situation is different. From the sufferers perspective, their self-worth may be so low, their outlook so bleak, that their families/friends/fans would be a lot better off without them in the world, ergo their suicide is actually intended as an act of generosity? Some might find such a conclusion an offensive assumption, but it is no more so than accusations of selfishness.

The “selfish” accusation also often implies that there are other options the sufferer has, but has chosen suicide. Or that it’s the “easy way out”. There are many ways to describe the sort of suffering that overrides a survival instinct that has evolved over millions of years, but “easy” isn’t an obvious one to go for. Perhaps none of it makes sense from a logical perspective, but insisting on logical thinking from someone in the grips of a mental illness is like insisting that someone with a broken leg walks normally; logically, you shouldn’t do that.

Stephen Fry, in his interview on Richard Herring’s podcast, had a brilliant explanation about how depression doesn’t make you think logically, or automatically confide in friends and family. I won’t spoil it by revealing it here, but I will say it involves genital warts.

Accusations of selfishness are themselves selfish?

Say you don’t agree with any of the above, that you still maintain that for someone with a successful career and family to commit suicide is selfish. Fine. Your opinion, you’re entitled to have it, however much we may disagree.

But why would you want to publicly declare that the recently deceased is selfish? Especially when the news has only just broken, and people are clearly sad about the whole thing? Why is getting in to criticize the deceased when they’ve only just passed so important to you? What service are you providing by doing so, that makes you so justified in throwing accusations of selfishness around?

Do you think that depression is “fashionable?” And by criticizing the sufferers you can deter others from “joining in”? Granted, we hear more about depression than we used to these days, but then we know what it is now. We see a lot more photos from Mars these days, because we have the means of doing so now, not because it’s suddenly trendy.

Perhaps you are trying to deter anyone else who might read your views from considering suicide themselves? Given that statistics suggest that one in four people suffer some sort of mental health problem, this isn’t that unlikely an occurrence. But if someone is genuinely depressed and feels their life is worthless, seeing that others consider their feeling selfish can surely only emphasize their own self-loathing and bleakness? It suggests that people will hate them even in death.

Maybe you know some people who have “attempted” suicide purely for attention? Fair enough; a debatable conclusion, but even if you’re right, so what? Surely someone who succeeds at committing suicide is a genuine sufferer who deserves our sympathy?

Perhaps you feel that those expressing sorrow and sadness are wrong and you need to show them that you know better, no matter how upsetting they may find it? And this is unselfish behavior how, exactly?

A brilliant but tortured individual has taken his own life, and this is a tragedy. But leveling ignorant accusations of selfishness certainly won’t prevent this from happening again. People should never be made to feel worse for suffering from something beyond their control.

If you feel you are dealing with depression, the charity MIND has many helpful sources, but there are many other avenues you can pursue.

As a therapist, I have dealt with family members, particularly adults and children of those who have suicided who ask, “Why didn’t they love me enough to stay alive for me?” It is particularly difficult for close ones to realize that suicide of a parent does not mean that you were not loved. It means that your parent was in so much physical and emotional pain, they couldn’t stand to live any longer.

Most people used the word “depression” lightly. Someone may say they are depressed when they are actually sad about something that could pass in a short period of time. Clinical depression is not like that. Clinical depression is when there are sysmptoms that last for a month or more such as 1) not eating or eating too much, 2) not sleeping or sleeping too much, 3) feeling extremely tearful, 4) feeling like you can’t focus or concentrate and 5) feeling like everyone else is out there having fun and you feel numb. When people have 2 or more of these symptoms, for more than one month, doctors usually prescribe antidepressants. People have described their symptoms as, “I feel like there’s a hundred pounds of weight that I carry on each shoulder”, “I feel like I’m swimming in a room full of molasses,” “I feel like there’s a grey cloud around me above me that won’t go away.”

Support those with clinical depression to seek professional help. Be empathetic. Depression is a real illness.

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling, Substance Abuse

BY Denise O'Doherty

5 Tips For Raising Healthy, Resilient Kids

Say No To Perfect Parenting

As a culture, we’re always looking for perfection. We want the perfect body. The perfect job. The perfect kids.

Sure, it would be nice if your children were always well-behaved. If they picked up after themselves. Asked and answered with a respectful “please” and “thank you.” Did their homework without being told. But perfect kids? Would you really want them if you could have them?

“When we expect perfection from our children, we rob them of important experiences and the chance to learn and grow along the way,” said Dr. Craig Pierce, president and CEO of the Southwest Family Guidance Center and Institute and author of Parenting Without Distraction: The Attunetion® Approach. “In the process, they often end up missing out when it comes to developing independence, trust and self-esteem—in other words, some of the very traits that are necessary for an emotionally healthy life.”

Nonetheless, many people believe in the myth that if you do everything “right” as a parent, you’ll raise perfect children. In truth, there’s no such person as the perfect parent, or the perfect kid. But here’s the good news: according to Dr. Pierce, you don’t need to be a perfect parent to raise healthy, well-adjusted and resilient children; you just have to be an attuned one.

“Children whose parents pay attention and tune in to their needs sense that they matter,” said Dr. Pierce. “As a result, they tend to have higher self-esteem, get along better with their peers, and adjust more easily to school than children who are not given the same level of healthy attention.”

So how do you let go of perfect parenting and tune in to what’s best for your kids? Dr. Pierce has five tips.

Be a positive mirror. Much of a child’s self-image comes from how others perceive him or her. This is especially true of preschoolers, who learn about themselves from their parents’ reactions. “When you give your child positive reflections about strengths, skills, and talents, he or she learns to think well of him- or herself,” commented Dr. Pierce.
Cheer on your child. Every child needs encouragement to believe in him- or herself and to take risks and grow. Give your child opportunities to demonstrate special skills. It may be drawing or singing, doing a summersault, or making breakfast. Whatever the skill, give your child a chance to shine.
Make a play date with your child. Playing with your child sends a clear message: “You are worth my time. You are a valuable person.” Play can help you learn about your child—his or her temperament and capabilities at each stage of development. “And the more interest you show in doing things with your child early on, the more interest your child is likely to have in doing things with you while growing up,” said Dr. Pierce.
Show trust. One of the most powerful things you can do as a parent is to let your child know you believe in his or her abilities. “For example, when Bella offers to brush the dog, let her. But instead of micromanaging how she does it, say, ‘I trust you to do a great job,’” explained Pierce. “This small gesture sends a power message to your child, a vote of confidence that says, ‘You can do it’ and ‘You are capable.’”
Build healthy self-esteem. One of the most important gifts you can give your children is the confidence they need to handle their own lives. Fostering this sense of independence can be achieved in small steps. Some that Dr. Pierce suggests include encouraging your kids to entertain themselves—without electronics. “Let them learn to play by themselves. Doing so will teach them self-reliance, foster creativity, and give them time for solo pursuits.” Similarly, Dr. Pierce urges parents to let their kids take care of homework on their own. “Check for completion, but don’t correct mistakes. Teachers get better information when children do their own work, and children learn valuable lessons about maintaining focus and taking pride in their work.”

Another suggestion: parental-counseling Assign chores that are meaningful. “Teach your children to clean up after themselves, starting with their toys and their clothes. Show them how to organize and manage their belongings. This will help them appreciate the value of their possessions and foster a sense of personal responsibility and respect,” said Dr. Pierce. “You’ll also help them to recognize that the success of their family depends on everyone’s contribution.”

Forget this notion of perfect parenting. The more you can accept yourself and recognize that there will be good days and bad days as a parent, the more accepting and attuned you can be of your children and their needs. As Dr. Pierce reminds us, having a positive, loving approach to yourself and your children is the key to raising healthy, confident kids in a not-so-perfect world.

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling