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Denise O’Doherty

Denise O’Doherty

Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Drug and Alcohol Counselor, Registered Nurse

  • Relationship Counseling
    • Couples Therapy
    • Marriage Counseling & Family Therapy
    • Premarital Counseling
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    • IMAGO Relationship Therapy
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    • Lesbian Therapy
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    • Anxiety/Depression
    • BiPolar Disorder
    • Codependency/Personal Boundaries
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  • Articles
Home » premarital counseling

premarital counseling

October 24, 2019 | BY Denise O'Doherty

How to Decrease Defensiveness and Create Effective, Essential Communication

couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counselingNot being “heard” by a partner is frustrating. No one wants to feel insignificant, invisible, overlooked or taken for granted. The common response when one feels they are not being listened to, is either to fight harder to get their partner’s attention, or retreat or withdraw often leading to depression.

Often a client says they feel they can’t express themselves in the relationship because when they try to talk, their partner becomes defensive meaning they only see and defend their side and their experience, often claiming they are “right”, without even hearing the initial partners complaint.

Therefore, I am sharing with you a fail-proof system of communicating, that eliminates both getting defensive, and eliminates triggering someone else from getting defensive. It is fail-proof when done correctly and I see tremendous changes in couples when we do this in therapy.

Here is information for you to understand and use the process.  I would love to hear how it works for you. May you have significant and powerful results. Enjoy!

 


Effective communication is essential to a good relationship. Good communication skills may not solve problems or resolve issues, but no problems can be solved, or issues resolved without them. We may communicate well or poorly, but we cannot NOT communicate.

One of the most effective forms of communication between persons in a committed love relationship is the INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE. It consists of three processes called mirroring, validation and empathy.

Mirroring is the process of accurately reflecting back, the content of a message from one partner. The most common form of mirroring is paraphrasing. A “paraphrase” is a statement in your own words of what the message your partner sent means to you. It indicates that you are willing to transcend your own thoughts and feelings for the moment and attempt to understand your partner from their point of view. Any response made prior to mirroring is often an “interpretation” and may contain a misunderstanding. Mirroring allows your partner to send their message again and permits you to paraphrase until you do understand.

Validation is a communication to the sending partner that the information being received and mirrored makes sense. It indicates that you can see the information from your partner’s point of view and can accept that it has validity- It is true for the partner. Validation is a temporary suspension or transcendence of your point of view that allows your partner’s experience to have its own reality. Typical validating phrases are: “I can see that…l”, “It makes sense to me that you would thing that”, “I can understand that …”, Such phrases convey to your partner that their subjective experience is not crazy, that it has it’s own logic, and that it is a valid way  of looking at things. To validate your partner’s message does not mean that you agree with his/ her point of view or that it reflects your subjective experience. It merely recognizes the fact that in every situation, no “objective” view is possible. In many communication between two persons, there are always two points of view, and every report of any experience is an “interpretation” which is the “truth” for each person. The process of mirroring and validation affirms the other person and increases trust and closeness.

Empathy is the process of reflecting or imagining the feeling the sending partner is experiencing about the event or the situation being reported. This deep level of communication attempts to recognize, reach into and on some level, experience the emotions of the sending partner.

Empathy allows both partners to transcend, perhaps for a moment, their separateness and to experience a genuine “meeting.” Such an experience has remarkable healing power. Typical phrases for empathic communication include: “and I can imagine that you must feel…”, and when you experience that, I hear….and that makes sense to me.”

A complete dialogue transaction may then sound as follows: “So, I understand you to be saying that if I don’t look at you when you are talking to me, you think that I am interested in what you are saying. I can understand that, it makes sense to me, and I can imagine that you would feel rejected and angry. That must be a terrible feeling.”

The reciprocal exchange of this process is the INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE.

Filed Under: couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
August 14, 2017 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Marriage Counseling: 3 Truths about Marriage

A lay counselor who has worked with hundreds of premarital couples told me that he particularly looks forward to the session when he lays out what he calls the “tough love truths” to the future couple. These truths are the following:

  1. You’re not the person I thought you were.
  2. You’re not meeting my needs.
  3. Marriage is difficult.

Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, couples counselingThis counselor sees these three things as basically universal truths, and most people who have been married five years or more are unlikely to disagree with any of them. We don’t really know who we are marrying—there is always something more to find out. No one person can meet all our needs. And every marriage is difficult.

These “3 Truths” are healthy reminders for every married couple. So often we want to particularize the challenge of our marriage, making it our spouse’s fault instead of admitting that no one fully and completely knows the person they are marrying; no marriage supplies all our emotional needs; and no marriage is always “easy.”  

The trick is to keep a universal truth from becoming a specific attack. For example: “You’re not who I thought you were” can lead to, “Therefore you must have lied to me or hid from me or misled me intentionally.” You’ve taken a universal truth about marriage and used it as an individual assault.

Let me add a caveat here, however, for one particular situation: Some people are master manipulators and they really did commit fraud prior to the marriage, about who they were, what they value, and how they live. And some people can actively and intentionally cover up major issues psychological, drug dependence, etc.) from their future spouse that also amounts to fraud.

For most people, though, it’s not about fraud as much it is about discovery, having our eyes opened to distasteful things, short of abuse, that are unpleasant and maybe even shocking to discover. Even if your spouse managed to be one hundred percent honest while dating, you’ll still find out a few unfortunate truths about him or her as the marriage progresses.

The second universal truth, “You’re not meeting my needs!” implies that someone else could meet all your needs. It can turn into a poisonous disappointment and contempt, all because you accepted the premise of a lie—that your spouse is supposed to meet all your needs. Imagine a coach berating Lebron James because during one game he missed half his shots or only pulled down three rebounds. Try to find any player who doesn’t usually miss half his shots!

Finally, “Marriage is difficult” can turn into “you’re difficult so something must be wrong with you.” No one person can meet all our needs. According to the IMAGO model, if you want more love, be more loving. If you want more kindness and consideration, be more considerate and kind. If you want more sex, be more sexual. Be more of what you want. Don’t expect more than what you give. Also, ask yourself, what have I done to keep the spark in my marriage/ relationship lately?

So let’s step back and look at these three thoughts.

  • You’re not who I thought you were.
  • You’re not meeting all my needs.
  • Marriage is difficult.

When these universal truths become obvious to you, remember that this doesn’t mean you made a bad choice. It doesn’t mean you got a raw deal. It just means you have a relationship. And now it’s time to make it work.

Marriage counseling supports bringing out the best in each individual and the best in the relationship. It also helps people to be accountable for their thoughts, feelings and behavior. When things don’t feel right and there is a breakdown in communication or intimacy, therapy can help.
Often it is a matter of re-evaluating priorities and goals as a couple. Finding the right path to re-evaluate, revive and go forward are goals of therapy.

If you or someone you know could benefit from re-vitalizing their relationship, call Denise at
713-524-9525.

 

This article was paraphrased from Gary Thomas, a Christian minister, who has written much about relationships, spirituality and preserving the sacredness of a spiritual commitment. 

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
July 19, 2017 | BY Denise O'Doherty

8 Biggest Relationship Killers According To Divorce Attorneys

Hello Everyone!

I’m sending you this interesting article that shows what relationship issues divorce lawyers hear the most. Isn’t it interesting that I also hear the SAME issues which can be resolved in marriage and couples counseling! How unfortunate for the people who choose divorce when there are workable solutions. If not resolved, people often bring the same issues to their next relationship!

I hope you enjoy the article and support your friends and loved ones to be pro-active when these complains come up and see the therapist before the divorce attorney! I also tell people it is also much more cost effective!

Enjoy!

Denise.

Divorce attorneys have a front-row seat to the kinds of problems that can chip away at relationships. Every day in their offices, they get an earful from clients about what led to divorce.

What are some of the most common complaints they hear? Below, divorce lawyers from around the country share nine of the most prevalent marital issues.

1. My spouse rarely helps out with the kids.

“When I first meet with people during the consultation, I often hear that the husband or wife doesn’t feel like they have an equal partner in their marriage, especially when it comes to the responsibility of caring for their children. It takes time and energy to manage a family’s extracurricular activities, doctor’s appointments and social activities. Whenever someone feels their spouse is not pulling their weight, resentment will build. When it involves children, though, it becomes much more complicated. When they are in my office, I know they have tried everything and asked their spouse to step up and help, but they have not been successful. Filing for divorce is the only way they believe they will get some reprieve from it.” — Puja A. Sachdev, an attorney in San Diego, California 

2. We never talk about our problems.

“It’s nothing that either spouse says ― it’s what they don’t say. Problems crop up and no one wants to rock the boat. So no one deals with the problem. No one talks about it. But then it doesn’t go away. It goes underground, then another problem crops up. This time, dealing with it is even harder because both parties still hold resentment from the first problem they never dealt with. So they push the second problem under the rug. Then the third. And so on. At some point, they explode over something that seems stupid and silly. Ultimately, they’re arguing about the  ongoing, unspoken problems they have.” ― Karen Covy, an attorney and divorce coach based in Chicago, Illinois 

3. Our sex life fizzled out, and so did any intimacy.

“Honestly, I can go on and on, but those are two big complaints I hear. What it boils down to is life has gotten in the way and there is no longer a connection between spouses. Even more than sex, it has to do with a lack of communication and lack of intimacy. What couples fail to realize is that the work of the relationship does not end at ‘I do’ ― there is work to be done every day. I know it sounds trite but it is important to connect with and check in with your spouse on a daily basis whether you are sharing a meal or walking the dog.” ― Lisa Helfend Meyer, an attorney in Los Angeles, California

4. My spouse reconnected with an old flame on Facebook.

“I have recently had clients inform me that their spouses were becoming ‘addicted’ to social media; more importantly, the social media ‘addiction’ was merely a symptom of an age-old problem ― cheating. Their spouse clicked the ‘like’ button on someone’s Facebook post and it escalated into sexual chats, texting and ultimately, face-to-face meetings where the flame was rekindled. It’s likely that the person would have sought out some way to cheat even without social media. So the social media ‘addiction’ was merely a symptom of the ultimate issue: infidelity. Some couples can work through the issue of infidelity, but most cannot ― and that’s what leads them to my office.” ― Douglas Kepanis, an attorney in New York City  

5. We feel more like roommates than spouses.

“People often say that their spouse feels like a stranger, not the person they married. Clients often describe themselves as ‘roommates’ and say they spend little time interacting with their spouse. More commonly, they say that their spouse has ‘checked out.’” ―  Carla Schiff Donnelly, an attorney in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

6. My spouse is selfish.

“Selfishness manifests itself in different ways: stingy with money, unwilling to listen and be emotionally present, not sharing responsibility for chores and the kids, having an affair instead of trying to work it out or splitting with respect, not being aware of the other’s needs and wants. The exact form of selfishness varies from case to case, but the theme is always there in divorce cases.” ― Alison Patton, a San Diego-based divorce attorney and mediator 

7. We speak different love languages.

“Two people may love each other, but not ‘feel loved’ if they have a different love language. That means, if one spouse’s ‘language of love’ is to do helpful things or buy gifts, and the other’s love language is verbal affirmations, loving touch, or quality time together, the receiver doesn’t really feel love, and the giver doesn’t feel appreciated for the love they’re giving. When that happens, there isn’t enough credit in the love bank for them to get through the challenges that come with any relationship. They’re fighting over money or sex, when underneath that is the need for simple physical connection or quality time. Find out your love language: It might just keep you out of a divorce lawyer’s office.” ― Dennis A. Cohen, an attorney and mediator in Marina del Rey, California 

8. I feel taken for granted.

“This complaint makes sense. When courting each other, there’s often a lot of flattery and extra attention spent listening to and pleasing your mate. But once the deal is done, once the relationship is sealed with vows, many feel safe and worry less that their partner is happy. Many people who hire me tell me they’ve been unhappy for years, that they’ve waited and waited for things to improve before they finally hit their limit. Rarely do I encounter a couple getting divorced because of a sudden or one-time event such as a one-night stand or one ugly argument. With so much invested in a marriage, it often takes quite a lot for someone to get to the point of no return. But when they get there, it is often because they finally realize they would be happier unmarried to that person ― or as someone once told me, less miserable.”— Randall M. Kessler,an attorney in Atlanta, Georgia

Link to original article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/complaints-divorce-attorneys-hear-all-the-time_us_593eed00e4b0c5a35ca23a85

Filed Under: Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
March 14, 2017 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Chemistry or Rationality? – Finding Romantic Love

Singles seeking to marry well can learn so much from a man who got married four hundred years ago. He made a supremely wise choice for all the right reasons and benefited immensely because of it.

There was a man, Richard Baxter (1615-1691) who lived half his life as a single man because he believed a zealous clergyman was “married to his congregation” and didn’t have time for a wife. When his church fired him and he was forced to make his living as a writer (he became the most popular writer of his day, he thought having a wife would be a very good thing, and he soon entered into a very happy and fulfilling marriage to a young woman named Margaret.

In making his choice, Richard was already a wise man who, as a pastor, had seen the folly so many others had fallen into to. Thus, he was determined to “avoid the foolish passion which the world calls love.”

He didn’t minimize love, but sought a higher love: “I know you must have love for those [you marry],” he wrote, but he was insistent that it be a “rational” love that discerns “worth and fitness” in the loved, not “blind…lust or fancy.”[i]

Richard had seen how “blind lust and fancy” (sex appeal and romantic infatuation) could make seemingly wise people curiously blind to a person’s poor worth and low character so he determined early on that he would not be guided by those things.

Instead, he was determined to find a “worthy” spouse, and a “fit” spouse.

If you find yourself crazy with infatuation, and your highest desperate desire is to hear that they feel the same way about you, force yourself to ask two rational questions:

  • “Is this a worthy person?”
  • “Are they fit for a long-term relationship?”

Let’s look at each in turn.

First, are they worthy of you having such interest in them? Force yourself to look at them objectively. Does this person live by core values that you admire and respect? Have they created a life for themselves that works? Are they happy? Are they accountable for their actions? Do they have good coping skills? Do they have good relationships with others in their life?  If you didn’t have such strong feelings for them, would you still like them, admire them, and respect them? If you can’t answer “yes” to all three questions you’re falling prey to “blind fancy.”

If you’re at all embarrassed by them, or constantly finding yourself having to explain away and excuse the faults and character flaws that everyone else sees and points out to you, you’re in the midst of “blind fancy.” They’re not truly worthy of you; you shouldn’t be afraid that they don’t feel the same way about you; you should be afraid of why you’re feeling that way about them.

Next, ask yourself, “Are they fit?” That is, do they have the necessary relational and emotional skills to be a superlative partner or spouse? Can they handle conflict? Are they humble and gentle and patient? Are they a giver or a taker? Do they seek out or are they open to personal growth? Would they be a good parent and a true friend? Can you trust them in every way? These are rational questions that promote healthy and successful relationships.

If the answer is no, they’re not be “fit” or emotionally available to be a good partner.

Feelings are loud and strong, and they come and go. Asking questions about “worthiness” and “fitness” will help you to be objective and make a wise choice.

One person cannot sustain a relationship. It takes two fit people to be present, attuned to each other and committed to make it work.

Because long term relationships include the future and because feelings are only about the present, it makes the most sense to choose someone you can love who is not only worthy of your love but also fit with maturity, coping skills and a desire to make it last.

Find out first if the person you are interested in is worthy and fit. Then ask yourself, “Is this someone I’d enjoy spending time with- Physically, emotionally, sexually and spiritually? Sexual desire can be a delightful spice in life. If you make it the main course, however, you’ll end up relationally hungry.

Worthy and fit. Chemistry AND Rationality.

That’s what you want to look for and consider when evaluating qualities in a date or partner.

-paraphrased from Gary Thomas.

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
February 13, 2017 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Seven Scientifically Proven Benefits of Gratitude

Gratitude not only brightens and strengthens your marriage / relationship, but gives you a more positive attitude towards the world in general. Read this short but thought provoking article to see what it can do for you.

Click Image to Download Full Article

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
October 25, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Substance over Form

This is an excerpt from Melody Beatie’s book “The Language of Letting Go”:

Substance over Form

I’m learning that for a variety of reasons, I’ve spent much of my life focusing on form rather than substance. My focus has been on having my hair done perfectly, wearing the right clothes, having my car always neat and clean, living in the right place, furnishing it with the right furniture, working at the right job, and having the right friends and partners. Form, rather than substance, has controlled my behavior in many areas of my life. Now, I’m finally getting to the truth. It’ substance that counts.

-Anonymous

There is nothing wrong in wanting to look our best. Whether we are striving to create a self, a relationship, or a life, we need to have some solid ideas about what we want that to look like.

Form gives us a place to begin. But for many of us, form has been a substitute for substance. We may have focused on form to compensate for feeling afraid or feeling inferior. We may have focused on form because we didn’t know how to focus on substance.

Form is the outline: substance is what fills it in. We fell in the outline of ourselves by being authentic: we fill in the outline of our life by showing up for life and participating to the best of our ability.

Now, in recovery, we’re learning to pay attention to how things work and feel, not just to what they look like.
Today, I can focus on substance in my life. I will concentrate on the substance of my relationships, rather than what they look like. I will focus on the real workings of my life, instead of the trappings.

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
October 25, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

This Is How You Know You’re In An Abusive Relationship

Original article by Jill Cory October 16, 2016 5:27 AM

You would know if you were in an abusive relationship, right? It would be obvious. Well, maybe not. Most women who experience abuse from a male partner spend months or even years thinking the relationship problem is something other than abuse.relationship counseling, marriage counseling, relationship therapy, premarital counseling It’s a “communication issue” or “a failure to set boundaries.” Maybe you’ve thought your partner has a bad temper or a problem with anger management. Perhaps you think that you are doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with you. In our society, we aren’t very good at talking about abuse, so women are often left wondering.

A common myth is that abuse means only physical abuse. But, actually, there are many different types of abuse, including emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual abuse. These can be just as damaging as physical abuse. For example, abusive partners can attempt to isolate you or cut you off from sources of support, use sarcasm or threats to put you down, change moods to intimidate you, express jealousy, and become emotionally distant.

They can also refuse to allow you to practice your faith, devalue your knowledge or education, control the finances, or threaten to have an affair if you don’t do what they ask. These and many other examples are not generally thought of as abuse. You may know there is something “wrong” but may not label it as abuse. Here’s a list of seven things that abusive partners often do in their relationships. Ask yourself if your partner does any of these things:

  1. Takes away your freedom to choose what you want or need

Abusive partners are controlling and often do not allow their significant others to make choices for themselves. You may find yourself unable to ask for what you need or want without your partner becoming aggressive, angry, or reactive.

  1. Demeans you

Abusers are very critical. Everything—your ideas, your beliefs, your body, even your feelings—are “stupid” or wrong. You may find that you second-guess yourself—what to wear, what to prepare for a meal, who you can be friends with—because you are worried about your partner’s reaction.

  1. Is unpredictable and volatile

While abusers can behave in acceptable or even positive ways some of the time, they are also unpredictable and even explosive in their behavior. This leaves women feeling like they are “walking on eggshells” because they are not sure what their partners will do next. If this is happening for you, you may find yourself exhausted and confused as you try to anticipate your partner’s next move.

  1. Blames you or others for their abusive behavior

Abusers rarely take responsibility for their behavior. Rather, it is everyone else’s fault. The boss is causing him stress. The kids are making noise. You are “pushing his buttons.” The abuse is not your fault, but he may leave you feeling like it is.

  1. Uses the “silent treatment” to punish or frighten you

Abused partners find that they are punished in many ways when they do things that their partner does not like. The “silent treatment” is just one such punishment. The “silent treatment” can be terrifying for women because they do not know what will happen next.

  1. Limits your access to money

Abusive partners are often very controlling when it comes to money. Since we need money to do just about anything, it is a powerful way to control someone. If your partner controls your access to money or other necessary resources such as a car, the computer, or the phone, you are being abused.

  1. Apologizes for their behavior and promises to change but never does

Part of the pattern of abusive behavior includes periods of behavior that appears positive—times when he might seem caring and helpful. During these “honeymoon periods,” he might even apologize for hurtful behavior and promise to change. But abuse is cyclical, and although he might promise to change or appear to be changing for a while, he will not be able to sustain it. His behavior will deteriorate again, and he will revert to controlling, frightening, or explosive behavior.

If you have experienced some of these behaviors from a current or past partner, you have likely experienced abuse. That is a hard reality to face. If you are with your partner, it may be hard to think of them as abusive. Your partner might not fit the stereotype of an abuser any more than you fit the stereotype of an “abused partner,” but that doesn’t matter. People who experience abuse come from all economic, racial, religious, and ethnic backgrounds. Abuse is not just reserved for the poor or weak—it can happen to anyone.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, find someone to talk to that you can trust, to help you with the next steps of how to deal with this. Processing your feelings and the situation may lead to making changes or helping someone else make them. Therapy can help. The important thing is to share it and not deal with it alone.

 

Filed Under: anger management, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
April 5, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Resentments in Relationships

Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving ourselves and others. Resentments do not punish the other person, they punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life. Resentments-in-Relationships-1They prevent us from being in harmony with the world. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.

Letting go of resentments does not mean we allow the other person to do anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future. We can let go of resentments and still have boundaries.

Try to see the good in the person, or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident you feel resentful about. Try to see your part. Get clarity on what your boundaries are and be willing to speak up and state your boundaries with others. (teach people how to treat you). Then put the incident to rest.

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
March 1, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Your Sexual Withholding Is Tearing Us Apart

“You wonder why I’m distant, angry, and hurt. You wonder why I’m not affectionate – just think about it. How would you feel if you Sexual-Withholding-1reached out to me for sex and I turned my back, pushed you away, or made lame excuses to avoid any romantic or sexual time together? How about if I went day after day ignoring your sexual needs?

It’s hard for me to feel like helping you or supporting you when you’re so insensitive. Problem is, it takes two of us to be sexual but only one person (you!) to say no. You have the power to stop our sex life and you have used that power at the risk of our happiness.

You must not feel what I feel when we go without sex. I can’t help but believe if you knew how physically, emotionally, and psychologically uncomfortable it is for me, that you would feel guilty about your resistance. Or maybe you just don’t care; maybe you don’t care about sex and don’t care about me. Whatever the reason, I’m not happy about it and you should understand why I’m upset.”

The Purpose of Sexual Withholding

People withhold sex for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s simply a difference in sexual desire: one partner wants sex twice a week and the other prefers twice a month. (The two most common frequency preferences among couples)

Some partners don’t enjoy the same sexual activities and therefore resist any sexual contact at all. They lack effective communication skills as well as suggestions for sexual techniques that could lead to mutual enjoyment.

Some people use lack of sex as a way to “punish” their partner or get their partners attention when they feel their partner is not listening to Sexual-Withholding-2them anymore.

A significant number of couples simply don’t make time for sex. The lead busy lives with little relaxation or quiet moments together.

Some partners simply aren’t interested in sex and feel justified in ignoring their partner’s needs- although this is far rarer than you might believe. Given the right situation almost everyone enjoys sex.

If the partner who initiates sex more often exhibits offensive behavior, such as acting in an angry or defensive manner, this may serve as a turn-off and justification for the other partner to withhold sexual contact. Without effective communication skills a cold war may ensue.

Easily, the most common reason partners withhold sex is lack of information related to healthy, fun, sexual practices. They don’t know what turns them on and therefore cannot provide their partners with constructive information that would lead to mutual satisfaction. They may never have come close to experiencing their own sexual potential.

The Disconnect from Sexual Withholding

Early in a relationship, with novelty fueling the libido, sexual desire and receptivity run high for most couples. Over the course of time normal differences evolve, requiring skills and knowledge to navigate. Unfortunately, not all individuals or couples are equipped to manage these sexual changes.

When reality falls short of expectations, disappointment sets in. In the beginning of a relationship it appears as if you both have the same desires, similar interests in sex, and are tuned in to one another’s needs in an almost perfect manner. Managing your intimate love life takes little or no effort at all. This romantic love stage fosters the belief that it will always be this way. When normal differences emerge, disenchantment follows. How you manage this common post-rapture stage of love will determine how connected or disconnected you are as a couple.

Disconnection occurs when curiosity, caring, compassion, and open communication are replaced with criticism, control, blame, bullying, defensiveness, defiance, withdrawal, withholding, anger, or avoidance.

Transforming Sexual Withholding

Most people live a lifetime and never experience the full pleasure of their sexual potential – or the potential of the partnership. Unaware of sexual styles as well as the differing partnership. Unaware of sexual styles as well as the differing pathways to arousal, they stay stuck in old patterns and parochial views. Transformation requires a new perspective beginning with commitment to creating a passionate relationship together.

Sexual withholding can be a little problem or a big problem, and transformation must be congruent with the level of severity. If you are just out of practice and need to get back on track, reignite your sex life with these words of wisdom:

  • Set mutual established sensual/sexual goals for your relationship.
  • Start with small, doable goals.
  • Make time for sex. Block off private, uninterrupted periods and make these commitments sacred.
  • Become an expert in your own sexual arousal and desire.
  • Establish a safe way of talking about sex.
  • Accept and honor differences between the two of you.
  • Understand that half the population doesn’t feel like having sex until they are already having sex.

Most couples agree that sex is important to the care and feeding of a relationship, but they get stuck around the “will wee or won’t we have sex” stage. Take away the tension, reflect on what you admire in your partner and keep an open mind. Replace withholding with a Sexual-Withholding-3commitment to be available as a sexual/ sensual/ intimate partner whenever either of you has the desire.

There are many, many ways to be sexual. From the quickie to the weekend sex fest, couples run the gamut when it comes to sensual pleasure. Get in the habit of expanding your sexual repertoire in terms of time, attention, and technique.

If the issues between the two of you are more complicated than just getting off track, then you might need to address the unresolved issues that are contaminating your sex life:

  • Set aside time to talk and listen in a calm, respectful manner.
  • Practice replacing criticism with asking specifically for what you want.
  • Anytime your partner comes close to pleasing you, acknowledge the act with a smile, touch, or “Thank you!”
  • Consult a third party – Read a related book such as “Hot Monogamy” or “You Can Make It Happen” as a study guide for your relationship.

If sex has become a deal-breaker, or if the two of you are growing further apart, consult a specialist ASAP. If there is underlying contempt, or the feeling that there is “too much water under the bridge” or that you are no longer feeling like you are understood by your partner or compatible for reasons outside sex, then the relationship needs help. There is no substitute for professional support when it comes to sexual issues that threaten your relationship. Counseling doesn’t have to go on forever or cost a fortune. Be sure to work with a therapist who has been trained in relationship counseling as well as sexuality. There’s not a better way to invest in your home improvement!

“Your’re Tearing Us Apart”
    by Pat Love, Eva Berlander, and Kathleen McFadden

 

 

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
February 2, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Your Affair is Tearing Us Apart

“Just the thought of you being with someone else literally makes me feel sick. I can’t believe you would do this to me. I can’t believe you would do this to us! After all we have gone through and after all we have built together, I can’t believe you would throw it all away without a thought or concern for anyone but yourself. What were you thinking? Did you even think of how I would feel? Did you even care? Does this Your Affair is Tearing Us Apartstranger mean more to you than your own family? You have ruined all our lives just to follow your feelings and please yourself.

So is this about sex? Are you not attracted to me anymore? Did you ever find me attractive? Am I such a miserable failure? It feels like my heart is being torn out of my body. Why are you doing this to me?

I am angry but I am also deeply sad. I’m grieving the loss of a dream. I guess it was a dream because I thought we had a strong loving relationship while all along you were giving your love and attention secretly to someone else.

How could you look at me and act like nothing was happening while knowing you were lying to my face? Some part of me feels like a big fool- for loving you, believing you, and trusting you. Well, you’ve broken that trust, and I don’t know if I can ever get that back again.”

The Purpose Behind Affairs

People have affairs for a variety of reasons, but the ones I hear in therapy are often, “I felt someone paid attention and was interested in me”, “It’s fun”, “I felt important to someone”, “It feels good”. Although most of us enjoy the security, companionship and comfort of a committed, monogamous relationship, we also might desire the passion and intensity that comes from a new relationship, especially a secret one.

People have affairs because they consider it nobody else’s business (not even their partners’). This affair might be about sex only; it could be an emotional affair they don’t consider infidelity; it might add spice to their committed relationship; it might be a lifelong personal style and they have no interest in changing; it could be perceived as a reward for working hard and fulfilling responsibilities. An affair can also be payback or a passive-aggressive act against the committed partner.

Your Affair is Tearing Us ApartMost people, however, don’t decide- they slide into an affair. Conscious thought doesn’t enter into the picture. An innocent acquaintance gradually becomes more intimate until it’s the primary source of pleasure. An innocent acquaintance gradually becomes more intimate until it’s the primary source of pleasure. The affair begins with two people sharing information or an activity; they bond around personal contact and mutual experiences. With little or no conscious thought, they cross the line into infatuation. Once the affair relationship start to provide a sensual or sexual high, then it’s “game over.” You are now under the influence of infatuation, one of the strongest forces found in nature. Infatuation sets up an insatiable craving for more contact that’s practically impossible to resist.

It’s easy to be judgmental about affairs. But being attracted to another person is normal. For some, monogamy is compatible and comfortable. For others, monogamy takes a more conscious effort.

An important clarification regarding affairs- contrary to popular belief- is that affairs can and do happen in good relationships. You can be in a happily committed relationship and still meet someone at work with whom you have chemistry. If you follow the chemistry, an affair will follow.

The Disconnect from Affairs

Infidelity threatens the connection between two people in many ways. Affairs break trust, lack of trust creates anxiety, and managing anxiety is exhausting. Affair-repair takes a lot of energy.Your-Affair-is-Tearing-Us-Apart-4

Affairs change your image of your partner. Whether you had the affair or you’re reeling from your partner’s affair, the experience will show you another side of one another’s personality. When we are in the throes of fear or shame, none of us function at our best.

Affairs are traumatic. Trauma is any real or perceived threat to survival. When you are in a committed love relationship your partner becomes an attachment figure. This means, your partner’s attention determines your feeling of security and survival. So if your partner chooses someone else over you, it feels like you are going to die. Affairs evoke fear of abandonment. Even though affairs most often are the result of your partner’s unilateral, personal decision, it’s hard not to take it as a personal affront. When you’re reeling in the hurt it’s hard to reach the love that once connected you.

The unfaithful partner can feel shame because:

  • I broke my promise of fidelity. I lied and cheated.
  • I gave away what I promised to you.
  • I went against my core values. I disappointed the people I love.

The betrayed partner can feel shame because:

  • I told other people what you did to punish you.
  • Like a fool, I trusted you.
  • I took you back after all the hurt, the betrayal, and everything you’ve done.
  • I’ll put up with anything, so what does that say about me?

Shame is a disabling feeling that can make you want to hide, shut down, and disconnect from the pain as well as the partner. Pain makes us defend and protect ourselves. You don’t feel connected when you’re busy defending.

Transforming Affairs

Affairs can bring out the best and worst of times when trying to repair your relationship. The best of times can include realizing how important you are to one another, having fun together, being vulnerable and compassionate, becoming better communicators, making new commitments, being affectionate and having great sex.

Your Affair is Tearing Us Apart
Your Affair is Tearing Us Apart

Affairs can also bring out the worst of times. If you had the affair you may feel like

you never loved your committed partner. You may grieve the loss of the affair partner and resent your committed partner for taking that away. You might believer you will never be as happy as you were with the affair partner. You might even believe you have lost the love of your life.

If you are the betrayed partner, you may feel like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster. You may feel like your whole life has been a lie and the rug was pulled out from under you. You may have feelings of hatred and revenge, even violence, something you never thought you could feel. You may become obsessed about micromanaging your partner’s behavior and want to monitor every hour of the day. You may hack a phone or computer, plant a GPS device, or hire a private detective. You may want to stay one minute and run away forever in the next. It may feel like temporary insanity to either of you or both. The good news is, it’s not only possible to survive but to thrive in a relationship after an affair. Here are some basic steps to facilitate the process:

Step One – Zero Contact:

Generally, recovery and repair can’t begin until there is zero contact with the affair partner. That means no face-to-face visits, phone calls, emails, texts, or internet contact – nothing. That also means no fantasizing, re-reading communications, listening to your “special music,” or revisiting the love scenes. This can be especially difficult when the affair involves someone from work.

Step Two – Informed Consent:

Most individuals need some relevant information and facts about the betrayal including, but not limited to, names, places, time spent together, money spent on affair/ affair partner, activities, and details. The partner who was betrayed has the right to the information to make an informed decision about moving forward. It’s difficult to rebuild a relationship without a foundation of honesty. Giving relevant information is also an indication that the unfaithful partner is protecting the committed partner not the affair partner. In couples therapy, this is called a “disclosure” session.

Step Three – Remorse:

The partner who betrayed must understand and have compassion for the betrayed partner’s pain caused by the infidelity. This is a pivotal step. Without remorse, forgiveness is difficult, if not impossible. Without remorse, further betrayal is probably. It’s not about just being sorry but being able to tell your spouse why you are sorry.

Step Four – Forgiveness:

This step is vital for the relationship to grow and prosper, and it is often a difficult process for the betrayed partner. It means to let go of anger, bitterness and being able to see good in yourself and your world. It does not mean to forget what happened, but to see it in a way that doesn’t make you toxic and sick.

Step Six – Create a New Contract:

This doesn’t mean you need a formal, legal document (although some couples do), but be sure you’re in agreement about what it means to be in a committed, monogamous relationship. Most couples commit to being lovers, best friends, confidants, playmates, financial partners, social partners, each other’s priority above everything else, and always on each other’s side.

Recommitment

Most couples get into relationships without discussing expectations and behaviors that are acceptable and unacceptable for the relationship. It’s important for both of you to be on the same page about your recommitment to one another. A therapist can be a good third person to help you create a safe space for this. Some couples even have a recommitment ceremony after a period of healing and forgiveness.

After the Affair

Once time has passed and healing has begun, it may be important to look at issues that were in play before the affair took place. Addressing unresolved issues, changing communication patterns, and revitalizing your sex life may be in order as you move forward together, but only well after you both have recovered from the betrayal.

The ultimate question for couples facing infidelity are the following. Your Affair is Tearing Us ApartThese can also be addressed in psychotherapy with a professional who is familiar with guiding you through to build trust, safety and a positive connection.

  • Is this a relationship that I want to nourish, cherish and value as a priority in my life?
  • What actions will you take in your relationship to be the best partner you can be?
  • What expectations will you have of yourself to be an excellent partner?
  • What action steps can I take to keep my relationship exciting, alive and meaningful.
  • What are your core values?
  • How can you live each day with authenticity and without regret?

Recovering from an affair can be well worth the hard work. Many couples will tell you even though they never would have chosen this path, their relationship became stronger and more rewarding through the journey.

Paraphrased from “You’re Tearing Us Apart – 20 Ways We Wreck Our Relationships and Strategies to Repair Them” – Pat Love, Eva Berlander, and Kathleen McFadden

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
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