Denise O’Doherty

Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Drug and Alcohol Counselor, Registered Nurse

relationship therapy

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The Holidays and Forgiveness

The holidays are approaching and they are meant to be a time of great joy and love. You can see the beginnings of planning and anticipation wherever you go. Stores and streets are decorated. Commercials have holiday themes and people are making decisions now as to how they are going to celebrate.

To enjoy the holidays fully, some of us need to give up the blocks and resistance that prevent us from experiencing the magic and possibilities of being fully present and fully able to accept the good that is all around us. Blocks such as anger, resentment and blaming can get in our way. Most people have someone in their life who they feel has treated them wrong. They hurt our feelings, left us in a difficult situation, maybe even betrayed us. Maybe we were treated in a way that we never thought possible, or never thought possible by that particular person. But it happened.

We can never change what happened in the past. Our acceptance of their behavior can put us back in control to make decisions that are best for us. Once we face and accept the truth of what happened, we can stop struggling. We don’t have to let someone else’s poor, neglectful or abusive behavior control our happiness.  We can develop healthy boundaries, have healthy friends and avoid toxic people. Let go of people, thoughts and behaviors that don’t serve you.

It’s never OK for someone to hurt someone else. Never. Forgiveness isn’t about saying what happened is OK. Forgiveness is about letting go of the negative hold it has on you.

It’s time to grieve our losses and let go of our blocks to personal freedom. Don’t give your happiness over to someone else.

Once we fully grieve our losses, feel our pain, accept what happened and forgive, we can feel joy and love once again. Let go of blocks that prevent you from living fully and having a good time. It is our responsibility to make our life work and make it work well. Be good to yourself and by being open to the celebrations, joy, warmth and love that you see all around you. Enjoy the holidays! You can choose to make them a great time for you!

Filed Under: anger management, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem, self esteem counseling
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This Is How You Know You’re In An Abusive Relationship

Original article by Jill Cory October 16, 2016 5:27 AM

You would know if you were in an abusive relationship, right? It would be obvious. Well, maybe not. Most women who experience abuse from a male partner spend months or even years thinking the relationship problem is something other than abuse.relationship counseling, marriage counseling, relationship therapy, premarital counseling It’s a “communication issue” or “a failure to set boundaries.” Maybe you’ve thought your partner has a bad temper or a problem with anger management. Perhaps you think that you are doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with you. In our society, we aren’t very good at talking about abuse, so women are often left wondering.

A common myth is that abuse means only physical abuse. But, actually, there are many different types of abuse, including emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual abuse. These can be just as damaging as physical abuse. For example, abusive partners can attempt to isolate you or cut you off from sources of support, use sarcasm or threats to put you down, change moods to intimidate you, express jealousy, and become emotionally distant.

They can also refuse to allow you to practice your faith, devalue your knowledge or education, control the finances, or threaten to have an affair if you don’t do what they ask. These and many other examples are not generally thought of as abuse. You may know there is something “wrong” but may not label it as abuse. Here’s a list of seven things that abusive partners often do in their relationships. Ask yourself if your partner does any of these things:

  1. Takes away your freedom to choose what you want or need

Abusive partners are controlling and often do not allow their significant others to make choices for themselves. You may find yourself unable to ask for what you need or want without your partner becoming aggressive, angry, or reactive.

  1. Demeans you

Abusers are very critical. Everything—your ideas, your beliefs, your body, even your feelings—are “stupid” or wrong. You may find that you second-guess yourself—what to wear, what to prepare for a meal, who you can be friends with—because you are worried about your partner’s reaction.

  1. Is unpredictable and volatile

While abusers can behave in acceptable or even positive ways some of the time, they are also unpredictable and even explosive in their behavior. This leaves women feeling like they are “walking on eggshells” because they are not sure what their partners will do next. If this is happening for you, you may find yourself exhausted and confused as you try to anticipate your partner’s next move.

  1. Blames you or others for their abusive behavior

Abusers rarely take responsibility for their behavior. Rather, it is everyone else’s fault. The boss is causing him stress. The kids are making noise. You are “pushing his buttons.” The abuse is not your fault, but he may leave you feeling like it is.

  1. Uses the “silent treatment” to punish or frighten you

Abused partners find that they are punished in many ways when they do things that their partner does not like. The “silent treatment” is just one such punishment. The “silent treatment” can be terrifying for women because they do not know what will happen next.

  1. Limits your access to money

Abusive partners are often very controlling when it comes to money. Since we need money to do just about anything, it is a powerful way to control someone. If your partner controls your access to money or other necessary resources such as a car, the computer, or the phone, you are being abused.

  1. Apologizes for their behavior and promises to change but never does

Part of the pattern of abusive behavior includes periods of behavior that appears positive—times when he might seem caring and helpful. During these “honeymoon periods,” he might even apologize for hurtful behavior and promise to change. But abuse is cyclical, and although he might promise to change or appear to be changing for a while, he will not be able to sustain it. His behavior will deteriorate again, and he will revert to controlling, frightening, or explosive behavior.

If you have experienced some of these behaviors from a current or past partner, you have likely experienced abuse. That is a hard reality to face. If you are with your partner, it may be hard to think of them as abusive. Your partner might not fit the stereotype of an abuser any more than you fit the stereotype of an “abused partner,” but that doesn’t matter. People who experience abuse come from all economic, racial, religious, and ethnic backgrounds. Abuse is not just reserved for the poor or weak—it can happen to anyone.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, find someone to talk to that you can trust, to help you with the next steps of how to deal with this. Processing your feelings and the situation may lead to making changes or helping someone else make them. Therapy can help. The important thing is to share it and not deal with it alone.

 

Filed Under: anger management, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
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Resentments in Relationships

Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving ourselves and others. Resentments do not punish the other person, they punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life. Resentments-in-Relationships-1They prevent us from being in harmony with the world. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.

Letting go of resentments does not mean we allow the other person to do anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future. We can let go of resentments and still have boundaries.

Try to see the good in the person, or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident you feel resentful about. Try to see your part. Get clarity on what your boundaries are and be willing to speak up and state your boundaries with others. (teach people how to treat you). Then put the incident to rest.

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
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The “Grey” Area of 50 Shades of Grey

This past weekend was Valentine’s Day where couples across the globe celebrated their love for one another by spending special times together, and showering each other with gifts, cards, flowers, and love.

50 Shades of Grey, marriage counseling, relationship counseling, relationship therapy, healthy sexual relationshipsThis past weekend also marked the much anticipated release of a movie based on the E.L. James bestseller, 50 Shades of Grey. 50 Shades of Grey is a erotic romance novel where a business exec who is into BDSM develops a relationship with a college student. The novel tells the story of their sexual romance in explicit detail showing the arousal achieved by pain, bondage, and other S&M practices.

This novel and movie portray intimacy and love mixed with untraditional practices that connect love with pain, control, power and submission.

Bestselling author and international speaker on relationships, Gary Thomas, sheds some light on the portrayal of love and intimacy in heterosexual relationships as depicted in 50 Shades of Grey. Here are some of the problems (paraphrased)  he sees with “Grey”.  Whether you’ve seen the movie or read the book, you can reflect on these comments to confirm your own ideas on love and sex and what you think is healthy and fulfilling in relationships.

  1. The way our brains operate, if you need pain to get sexually excited, that level of pain becomes normative and routine, so you have to increase the level of pain to get the same excitement. In a long-term, lifelong sexual relationship, that’s a problem.
  2. When sex recreates past abuse instead of providing a healing alternative, it cements the soul in dysfunction rather than releasing the soul into healthy intimacy.
  3. If a couple ignores the spiritual side of sex, their satisfaction in the bedroom is living on borrowed time.
  4. It’s simply foolish to feel intimidated by or envious of the sexual relationship of a couple that requires a billionaire’s income and schedule to sexually excite each other.
  5. Daily kindness will get a woman in the mood far more certainly than sanitized metal.
  6. Soul-satisfying sex without commitment is as real as chocolate cake without calories.
  7. An abused man who expresses his hurt with violent sexual acts against a woman is “healed” by his sexual partner being willing and submissive? The last time that happened in real life was never.
  8. Love isn’t expressed by accepting intentional pain; it’s built by giving and receiving unselfish pleasure.
  9. While an occasional blindfold might be enticing, far more satisfying is to see the look in another’s eyes when they desires and adores you.
  10. Healthy men and women want to be desired for who they are, not for the toys they can afford.
  11. The best mark of fulfilling sex isn’t a bruise or a scratch—it’s that special glance between each other two hours later.
  12. It takes far more bravery to commit yourself to one partner for life than it does to commit yourself to a new sexual encounter.
  13. What’s nobler? A married couple thinking up new ways to give pleasure or a dating couple thinking up new ways to give pain?
  14. A strong man isn’t looking for a young woman to dominate; he’s looking for a woman who inspires him, a partner to share life with, and a fellow parent with whom he can build a family.
  15. If a guy is “fifty shades of [messed] up,” he’ll bring you far more misery than pleasure as soon as you step out of the bedroom.
  16. A guy who has to control you in the bedroom won’t stop trying to control you in the living room… Or the kitchen, or the car, or anywhere else, for that matter.
  17. The best sex doesn’t require one person “training” another; it requires sharing and learning and growing together.

Read the Story in Full: 50 Problems with Grey

Love and intimacy are two things to be shared between people who cherish the connection they both have and want to nurture that relationship and grow it deeper. Introducing a action that may have adverse short and/or long term affects on the relationship should be thoroughly discussed and thought about prior to implementing it into the relationship.

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling
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Bellaire Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling

Couples come to therapy for many reasons butcouples therapy houston, couples therapy houston, couples counseling houston, marriage counseling houston, marriage therapy houston, couples therapy, relationship therapy houston, couple therapy, marriage counseling in houston, couples counseling houston tx, houston marriage counseling, marriage and couples therapy, couples therapy houston tx, marriage and family therapist, houston relationship therapy, couple therapy houston tx, relationship therapist houston, marriage and family therapists, marriage counseling, couples counseling most frequently for one or more of the following: better communication, more trust, more emotional intimacy or more sexual intimacy.

Often, one partner wants the other to have more empathy, compassion and a better understanding of their perspective. Sometimes people don’t feel safe asking for what they need or want in the relationship. Sometimes people ask for what they want but never seem to get it. Whatever the reason, couples often reach an impasse, unable to get the empathy and understanding they need from each other by themselves.

Statistics today identify the four predictors of divorce to be:
Criticism,  Defensiveness, Withdrawal, and Contempt

By eliminating these adverse coping skills and replacing them with loving and effective skills and techniques, relationships improve. Trust, communication and a loving connection can be restored and re-established.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

Therapy can provide lasting and positive results for couples to have increased satisfaction, and feel more love and connection in the relationship. Couples get faster results when both people are committed to making a positive change.

Therapy gives both people insights about what they want to see differently in themselves and what they want to see differently in their partner and the relationship. It focuses on discovering unmet needs, lost parts, and overcoming defensiveness that prevents intimacy. Therapy promotes insight to give you additional ways to perceive the problems and additional ways to get results.

Together we will:

  • Identify the issues and conflicts that prevent intimacy and safety.
  • Identify factors that you and your partner do to sabotage what you want
  • Help you develop insights and skills to let go of what’s not working and get what you need.
  • Use cutting edge communication skills and techniques to change counterproductive and upsetting behavior
  • Look at how you can support each other effectively and genuinely through the changes you make
  • Create a space where you reach a new level of success in your relationship

On the first visit, I usually ask the couple to come up with three responses to:

“This relationship would be better for me if……1)…. 2)….. 3)….. ”.

How I Can Help

I see my role giving attention, couples therapy houston, couples therapy houston, couples counseling houston, marriage counseling houston, marriage therapy houston, couples therapy, relationship therapy houston, couple therapy, marriage counseling in houston, couples counseling houston tx, houston marriage counseling, marriage and couples therapy, couples therapy houston tx, marriage and family therapist, houston relationship therapy, couple therapy houston tx, relationship therapist houston, marriage and family therapists, marriage counseling, couples counselingsupport and direction to help couples develop what they need to make a break-through rather than a break up. Most therapy is short term.  I teach effective skills that you can use at home. The goal of therapy is to make changes so the couple will have increased satisfaction and feel more love and connection in the relationship.

Pre-Marital Counseling

I also meet with couples prior to weddings and holy unions. Pre-Marital counseling gives couples the opportunity to look at issues that often come up in relationships before they come up! This gives the couple the chance to see where they have differences in values and beliefs, and how they can prevent conflict when these differences arise. You don’t have to agree on everything to have a good relationship, but you have to respect the differences.  I have a pre-commitment questionnaire that addresses relationship issues. These include: money, relatives, children, vacations, work, household chores, sex, dealing with crisis times of life, fidelity, romance, use of alcohol, tobacco, marijuana and other drugs, communication rules, personality differences, role of friends, physical appearance, jealousy, cultural background issues, personal goals, pre-nupual agreements and blending families. Discussing your areas of concern prior to your big day, will give you an insightful and valuable approach to minimizing future problems and maintaining respect for your partner and your relationship.

Let Us Know How I Can Help!

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Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling
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The Truth About Love – The Good The Bad, & The Ugly

In Pat Love’s book, “The Truth About Love“, she shares various misconceptions truth-about-love-bookabout relationships. I have turned these into the following TRUTHS about relationships as a guide for evaluating yours.

  • Relationships are never perfect. Problems don’t mean it wasn’t meant to be. It just means you have to work them through.
  • Once love dies, you can get it back with noticing, giving each other attention and celebrating the love and life you have. Happiness is wanting what you have.
  • Relationships are more than just chemistry.
  • It takes more than love to have a good relationship. Particularly trust, respect and good communication.
  • You can be in love and still be attracted to other people. Being in a committed relationship means that you still find others attractive and enjoy others being attracted to you, but you don’t act out on it.
  • It’s not about meeting the right person as much as it is about becoming the right person. If you work on being the best you can be, it is likely you will attract someone who appreciates you and whose values are more likely to be like yours.

The Four predictors of divorce are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Withdrawal and Contempt.

Therefore……

1) Instead of criticizing, ask for what you want. And when your partner criticizes, ask “What do you need?” and “How can I help?”

2) When you find yourself getting defensive: Stop. Start over. Call tome out. Apologize. Ask for more information. Take a deep breath.

3) When your partner withdraws, give him/ her more time and space. Find a way to manage your anxiety until the mood shifts. Entertain yourself. Do something fun. When you withdraw, let your partner know you need some time alone and about how long you need. If your withdrawal has nothing to do with the relationship, let this fact be known. If you have a problem, speak up.

4) When there is contempt between the tow of you, note this as a sign that the relationship could be in serious distress. Take time out to restore the good feelings between you. Do those activities that always work to bring you closer together.

These ideas and suggestions are often used in couples therapy and marriage counseling.

Good relationships give incredible rewards and unlimited opportunity for love and living a fuller life. Keep this in mind for your special relationship.

 

 

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling