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Denise O’Doherty

Denise O’Doherty

Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Drug and Alcohol Counselor, Registered Nurse

  • Relationship Counseling
    • Couples Therapy
    • Marriage Counseling & Family Therapy
    • Premarital Counseling
    • Domestic Abuse Counseling
    • IMAGO Relationship Therapy
    • LGBTQ Couples Therapy
  • Substance Abuse
    • Alcohol & Drug Addiction
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  • Gender Identity / LGBTQ
    • A Guide For Parents of Transgender Children
    • Parents of Transgender Children
    • Gender Related Topics
      • Gender Dysphoria
      • Cross-Dressing
      • Adult Children of Transgender Parents
    • LGBTQ Related Topics
      • LGBTQ Issues
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  • Other Areas of Practice
    • Anxiety/Depression
    • BiPolar Disorder
    • Codependency/Personal Boundaries
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    • Love Addiction/Love Avoidance
    • Overcoming Shame /Increasing Self-Esteem
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    • Dissociative Disorders
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Home » couples therapy

couples therapy

October 24, 2019 | BY Denise O'Doherty

How to Decrease Defensiveness and Create Effective, Essential Communication

couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counselingNot being “heard” by a partner is frustrating. No one wants to feel insignificant, invisible, overlooked or taken for granted. The common response when one feels they are not being listened to, is either to fight harder to get their partner’s attention, or retreat or withdraw often leading to depression.

Often a client says they feel they can’t express themselves in the relationship because when they try to talk, their partner becomes defensive meaning they only see and defend their side and their experience, often claiming they are “right”, without even hearing the initial partners complaint.

Therefore, I am sharing with you a fail-proof system of communicating, that eliminates both getting defensive, and eliminates triggering someone else from getting defensive. It is fail-proof when done correctly and I see tremendous changes in couples when we do this in therapy.

Here is information for you to understand and use the process.  I would love to hear how it works for you. May you have significant and powerful results. Enjoy!

 


Effective communication is essential to a good relationship. Good communication skills may not solve problems or resolve issues, but no problems can be solved, or issues resolved without them. We may communicate well or poorly, but we cannot NOT communicate.

One of the most effective forms of communication between persons in a committed love relationship is the INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE. It consists of three processes called mirroring, validation and empathy.

Mirroring is the process of accurately reflecting back, the content of a message from one partner. The most common form of mirroring is paraphrasing. A “paraphrase” is a statement in your own words of what the message your partner sent means to you. It indicates that you are willing to transcend your own thoughts and feelings for the moment and attempt to understand your partner from their point of view. Any response made prior to mirroring is often an “interpretation” and may contain a misunderstanding. Mirroring allows your partner to send their message again and permits you to paraphrase until you do understand.

Validation is a communication to the sending partner that the information being received and mirrored makes sense. It indicates that you can see the information from your partner’s point of view and can accept that it has validity- It is true for the partner. Validation is a temporary suspension or transcendence of your point of view that allows your partner’s experience to have its own reality. Typical validating phrases are: “I can see that…l”, “It makes sense to me that you would thing that”, “I can understand that …”, Such phrases convey to your partner that their subjective experience is not crazy, that it has it’s own logic, and that it is a valid way  of looking at things. To validate your partner’s message does not mean that you agree with his/ her point of view or that it reflects your subjective experience. It merely recognizes the fact that in every situation, no “objective” view is possible. In many communication between two persons, there are always two points of view, and every report of any experience is an “interpretation” which is the “truth” for each person. The process of mirroring and validation affirms the other person and increases trust and closeness.

Empathy is the process of reflecting or imagining the feeling the sending partner is experiencing about the event or the situation being reported. This deep level of communication attempts to recognize, reach into and on some level, experience the emotions of the sending partner.

Empathy allows both partners to transcend, perhaps for a moment, their separateness and to experience a genuine “meeting.” Such an experience has remarkable healing power. Typical phrases for empathic communication include: “and I can imagine that you must feel…”, and when you experience that, I hear….and that makes sense to me.”

A complete dialogue transaction may then sound as follows: “So, I understand you to be saying that if I don’t look at you when you are talking to me, you think that I am interested in what you are saying. I can understand that, it makes sense to me, and I can imagine that you would feel rejected and angry. That must be a terrible feeling.”

The reciprocal exchange of this process is the INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE.

Filed Under: couples counseling, couples therapy, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
January 22, 2018 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Assessing Intimacy in Your Relationship

Intimacy is a bonding between two people based on trust, respect, love and the ability to share deeply. You can have intimate relationships with lovers, partners, co-workers, acquaintances friends, and family members. In an intimate relationship, you experience the give and take of being real and vulnerable, as you share a connection.

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When a couples come to my office for therapy, I usually ask, “What is it that keeps you together?” Answers range from convenience, sex, money, companionship to the most frequent response, “We love each other”. The problem with this response is that love means different things to different people. Sometimes the expectations that one associates with love can add to the relationships conflicts. i.e. “If you loved me you would do this ..…or you would feel this ..…” The second question I ask is, “Do you trust each other?” Interestingly, many people emphatically say “No, we love each other but we don’t trust each other”. Trust and good communication are the two main ingredients necessary for intimacy. Therefore, love without trust is not enough. Without trust we don’t feel safe. Many people have problems with trust. If handling things alone and taking care of yourself was what you had to do as a child, it may feel unfamiliar and scary to be in a close relationship. On the other hand, come people cling to those they love, being overly jealous and unable to tolerate a healthy level of independence.

Intimacy isn’t something you can experience alone. By it’s very nature, it assumes a relationship and a relationship means risk. The other half of any relationship is a person you can’t control. But in a loving relationship, you and your partner can create intimacy with excitement, passion, good communication and trust. Rewards are great when you are willing to work together.

The following is an INTIMACY ASSESSMENT meant to be used as a guide to assess intimacy in your relationship. Think about a partner or a close friend and ask yourself the following:

  1. Do I respect this person?
  2. Does this person respect me?
  3. Is this a person with whom I can communicate with ease?”
  4. Do we work through conflicts together well?
  5. Do we both compromise?
  6. Is there give and take?
  7. Can I be honest? Can I show my real feelings?
  8. Do we both take responsibility for the relationships successes and problems?
  9. Could I talk to this person about the effects that childhood abuse or trauma is having on our relationship?
  10. Is there room for me to grow in this relationship?
  11. Am I able to reach my own goals within this relationship?
  12. Is this person supportive of the kind of changes I am trying to make?
  13. Is this person willing to help me?

These questions provide a guideline for taking a deeper look at the depth of intimacy within a relationship.

Skills that promote intimate relationships are: saying what you mean and meaning what you say, listening clearly without judgement, letting go of control of your partner, asking for what you need, being willing to negotiate and being willing to compromise.

Good relationships add fun and joy to life. They give us rewards that last a lifetime. It is said that it is not about finding the right person, but about becoming the right person. With good intimacy skills I believe we get both.

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling, self esteem counseling
April 5, 2016 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Resentments in Relationships

Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving ourselves and others. Resentments do not punish the other person, they punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life. Resentments-in-Relationships-1They prevent us from being in harmony with the world. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.

Letting go of resentments does not mean we allow the other person to do anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future. We can let go of resentments and still have boundaries.

Try to see the good in the person, or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident you feel resentful about. Try to see your part. Get clarity on what your boundaries are and be willing to speak up and state your boundaries with others. (teach people how to treat you). Then put the incident to rest.

Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling
October 29, 2014 | BY Denise O'Doherty

The Importance of End of Life Planning: Y Collaborative Partnership

Have you ever wondered how someone would know what was important to you and gather all the necessary information regarding your personal wishes if you died? Y Collaborative represents a way of thinking to put life in order and put worry away by making decisions about issues before you are in the position to where you have to decide.

endoflifeplanning

Y collaborative gives you the tools to have meaningful conversations with family, friends, and trusted advisers about end of life decisions. Of course we all know how important it is to have a will, but what about other things affecting your life? If something were to happen to you, do you have someone who would take your pet? Does that person know who they are? Have you made financial decisions for them to care for your pet? Is there someone who knows which social / political organizations you would like to be informed of your passing? If you have no relatives in the state, would someone here know how to contact your siblings in other states? If you were to pass on, would someone have a record of your bank accounts with checking and savings account numbers, safe deposit number and key location? Sometimes loved ones are in the hospital and they have made it clear to you that they do not want certain procedures performed on them. Hospitals will routinely do some procedures that may go against someone’s personal wishes. Does someone know your last wishes? Most important, where do you keep all the information you would want someone to have?

Many people express in individual, couples and family therapy their feelings of hurt and anger when end of life issues were not handled the way they thought it should be handled for someone they loved. Hostility among siblings results when they disagreed over how a parent would want to be remembered. This can lead to years of confusion and resentment. All this negativity can be prevented.

Nancy Rust, founder of YCollaborative provides end of life planning services that gives you the peace of mind when making important decision about your well being and personal choices as you near the end of your life. YCollaborative, believes in planning ahead and making those tough end-of-life decisions in advance before they are needed in order to avoid someone else making those decisions for you. To make these important decisions, Nancy has created a workbook, that outlines all that important things we need to address so someone could easily have access to necessary information and our personal wishes. To learn more about Nancy and YCollaborative, contact her at http://www.ycollaborative.com or at [email protected], and by phone at 713-521-7699.

 

Filed Under: areas of practice, couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling
October 10, 2014 | BY Denise O'Doherty

Bellaire Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling

Couples come to therapy for many reasons butcouples therapy houston, couples therapy houston, couples counseling houston, marriage counseling houston, marriage therapy houston, couples therapy, relationship therapy houston, couple therapy, marriage counseling in houston, couples counseling houston tx, houston marriage counseling, marriage and couples therapy, couples therapy houston tx, marriage and family therapist, houston relationship therapy, couple therapy houston tx, relationship therapist houston, marriage and family therapists, marriage counseling, couples counseling most frequently for one or more of the following: better communication, more trust, more emotional intimacy or more sexual intimacy.

Often, one partner wants the other to have more empathy, compassion and a better understanding of their perspective. Sometimes people don’t feel safe asking for what they need or want in the relationship. Sometimes people ask for what they want but never seem to get it. Whatever the reason, couples often reach an impasse, unable to get the empathy and understanding they need from each other by themselves.

Statistics today identify the four predictors of divorce to be:
Criticism,  Defensiveness, Withdrawal, and Contempt

By eliminating these adverse coping skills and replacing them with loving and effective skills and techniques, relationships improve. Trust, communication and a loving connection can be restored and re-established.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

Therapy can provide lasting and positive results for couples to have increased satisfaction, and feel more love and connection in the relationship. Couples get faster results when both people are committed to making a positive change.

Therapy gives both people insights about what they want to see differently in themselves and what they want to see differently in their partner and the relationship. It focuses on discovering unmet needs, lost parts, and overcoming defensiveness that prevents intimacy. Therapy promotes insight to give you additional ways to perceive the problems and additional ways to get results.

Together we will:

  • Identify the issues and conflicts that prevent intimacy and safety.
  • Identify factors that you and your partner do to sabotage what you want
  • Help you develop insights and skills to let go of what’s not working and get what you need.
  • Use cutting edge communication skills and techniques to change counterproductive and upsetting behavior
  • Look at how you can support each other effectively and genuinely through the changes you make
  • Create a space where you reach a new level of success in your relationship

On the first visit, I usually ask the couple to come up with three responses to:

“This relationship would be better for me if……1)…. 2)….. 3)….. ”.

How I Can Help

I see my role giving attention, couples therapy houston, couples therapy houston, couples counseling houston, marriage counseling houston, marriage therapy houston, couples therapy, relationship therapy houston, couple therapy, marriage counseling in houston, couples counseling houston tx, houston marriage counseling, marriage and couples therapy, couples therapy houston tx, marriage and family therapist, houston relationship therapy, couple therapy houston tx, relationship therapist houston, marriage and family therapists, marriage counseling, couples counselingsupport and direction to help couples develop what they need to make a break-through rather than a break up. Most therapy is short term.  I teach effective skills that you can use at home. The goal of therapy is to make changes so the couple will have increased satisfaction and feel more love and connection in the relationship.

Pre-Marital Counseling

I also meet with couples prior to weddings and holy unions. Pre-Marital counseling gives couples the opportunity to look at issues that often come up in relationships before they come up! This gives the couple the chance to see where they have differences in values and beliefs, and how they can prevent conflict when these differences arise. You don’t have to agree on everything to have a good relationship, but you have to respect the differences.  I have a pre-commitment questionnaire that addresses relationship issues. These include: money, relatives, children, vacations, work, household chores, sex, dealing with crisis times of life, fidelity, romance, use of alcohol, tobacco, marijuana and other drugs, communication rules, personality differences, role of friends, physical appearance, jealousy, cultural background issues, personal goals, pre-nupual agreements and blending families. Discussing your areas of concern prior to your big day, will give you an insightful and valuable approach to minimizing future problems and maintaining respect for your partner and your relationship.

Let Us Know How I Can Help!

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Filed Under: couples counseling, Marriage Counseling, relationship counseling
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