Trying to prove how good we are, trying to prove we’re good enough, trying to show someone how much he or she has hurt us, trying to show someone we’re understanding, are warning signs that we may be into our self-defeating behaviors.
They can be an indication that we are trying to control someone. They can be an indication that we are not believing how good we are, that we’re good enough, that someone is hurting us.
They can be a warning that we’ve allowed ourselves to get hooked into a dysfunctional system. They may indicate that we’re stuck in that cloudy fog of denial or doing something that is not good for us.
Trying excessively to make a point with another may mean that we have not yet made that point with ourselves. Once we make that point with ourselves, once we understand, we will know what to do.
The issue is not about others understanding and taking us seriously. The issue is not about others believing we’re good and good enough. The issue is not about others seeing and believing how responsible or loving or competent we are. The issue is not about whether others realize how deeply we are feeling a particular feeling.
We are the ones that need to see the light.
-Melody Beattie – The Language of Letting Go
The more we want approval from others, the less we get it. Living a life that is not you for the sake of pleasing others, leads to anger, resentment, and misery. It can literally make people ill. Focus on your life, what works, where your passions lie and creating a life that feels successful to you. Your confidence, peace of mind, health and happiness are what matters. Do it for you. Ironically, it is your success and happiness that will be attract others to you.
This concept is essential for overcoming co-dependency, decreasing shame and guilt, increasing self-esteem and improving marriage and intimate relationships. It is often a core concept that when not understood or overcome, contributes to the pain underlying many addictions. I share it regularly in Individual Therapy and Marriage Counseling. Once fully understood and applied, it contributes living with serenity, peace of mind, supportive relationships and overall happiness.
Contact Denise O’Doherty for more details on overcoming self-defeating or co-dependency issues, contact Denise HERE.